Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating: soft R
Type: Angst, General, Oneshot
Warnings: Language, Adult themes
Summary: It wasn’t about sex, but it wasn’t about love either. Mostly it was about the need to be next to someone who was warm, soft, and alive.
Note: Not a smut fic. Kind of an... after the smut fic... I was just feeling the need to write some angst, so here it is.
It wasn’t about sex, but it wasn’t about love either. Mostly it was about the need to be next to someone who was warm, soft, and alive. Not that Ed would ever say this out loud, no not for anything. If word ever got back to Alphonse that he felt that way, Ed would never be able to look his brother in the eye again.
But as much as he loved his brother, and as much as he knew Alphonse tried to be a physical support, Ed just couldn’t get what he needed from his brother—not the way he was now. Ed needed flesh and blood beneath the touch of his real hand, needed to be able to feel the rise and fall of the chest beneath his head, or hear the beating of a heart. He needed to wrap his arms around something warm and feel the warmth as he was held back.
The brush of fingers over his arm, brought Ed’s attention to the present; a present where he was unclothed and on a bed with his superior officer. They were almost at the end of their time together for the night, and it was now that Ed was getting what he really wanted, what he really needed.
It would be a lie to say he didn’t enjoy the sex with Roy Mustang, the man knew how to make every experience pleasurable and sweet, sweet, bliss. But there was still the humiliation of letting another man take him, enter him… fuck him...
Sex with Mustang wasn’t what Ed wanted, he didn’t enjoy men in that way, but it was worth the guilt and humiliation to have a few moments where he felt wanted and comforted. And so he gave Mustang everything he asked for in exchange for having someone hold him for just a little while.
Ed wrapped his arms around Mustang’s body, pressing his face into the man’s chest. It was almost time for him to go, but he just wanted to hold on for another minute or two; not necessarily to Mustang, but to the illusion that he’d built up for himself. It was the one he took home with him and kept wrapped around himself like a blanket as he fell asleep.
“It’s getting late,” Mustang murmured gently—his way of hinting that he was done with this cuddling bullshit and if they weren’t going to have sex again tonight, then he wanted Ed to go.
“Is it?” Ed asked, already knowing that it was. He didn’t move, didn’t want to... not yet.
There was another minute or so of silence where Mustang gently ran his fingers through Ed’s hair. It felt so good and he leaned into the touch, craving more, needing it on a level even he didn’t understand.
“I have a meeting at eight o’clock sharp,” Mustang said, less gently than he had before.
“With who?” Ed asked, stalling.
“None of your business,” Mustang said, with a hint of annoyance.
“I’m not stopping you from falling asleep.”
“You’re not sleeping here.”
Ed knew that. They’d been over it before, and there was Alphonse to think of. His brother would be expecting him to come home from whatever lie Ed had told him. But he wanted to stay. He didn’t want to let go. This was the worst part of their meetings for Ed.
“Is this a hint that you want me to leave?” Ed said with a note of teasing in his voice, though in truth he was still stalling.
“Pretty much,” Mustang muttered.
“You mean you’re already done for the night? The equipment doesn’t work like it used to, eh?” Ed taunted, even though it wasn’t the sex that he wanted. He just wanted to stay like this...
There was a heavy sigh from Mustang, then Ed felt him move away. “It’s time for you to go home. Don’t make me throw you out like last time.”
“You didn’t throw me out,” Ed said sullenly, disappointed that this really was the end for the night. He felt Mustang get off the bed and moment later the light came on and Ed squinted at the sudden brightness.
“You know what would be great? If we could end on a good note sometime. Can’t you just leave like any normal fuck would?” Mustang asked in annoyance. Ed rolled off the bed and grabbed his pants from the floor. All of the good feelings he’d had a moment before were gone, and he felt cold and empty.
“That’s ‘cause I’m not a normal fuck, you bastard,” Ed snapped, pulling on his pants. He stopped, glared at Mustang, then snatched his shirt up from the floor. “I’m not a ‘fuck’, okay? I’m not some rent boy from the street, or wherever else you get your whores. It’s not like I get paid for this.”
“You’re still a fuck, still just another lay. Only you’re giving it out for free,” Mustang said snidely.
Ed felt a chill run over his body and he shivered involuntarily. It wasn’t hard to read between the lines, to know that Mustang was saying that he was even worse than those boys he paid to have sex with him. Keeping his gaze downturned, Ed picked up his belt and put it on, then grabbed his jacket before looking back at Mustang.
“I guess you get what you pay for, huh?” Ed said coldly.
“If I pay you will you start leaving with grace?”
“No, I don’t want your money,” Ed said, pulling on his jacket.
“Then what do you want?” Mustang asked.
Ed looked at Mustang, but didn’t answer. How could he say that what he really wanted was just to be held and wanted? He couldn’t ever expect that someone would actually want him, not with all his faults, but if he could at least have someone pretend...
In that moment, Ed wasn’t sure exactly what happened or what Mustang must have seen in his face, but the annoyance on the man’s face changed to something close to pity. Ed didn’t want to be pitied; and, in fact, it made him feel ashamed that his most private feelings could have possibly been seen or understood by someone else.
“I’m leaving,” Ed said ungraciously. “Enjoy your old man sleep.”
“I’m not old,” Mustang growled. “Thirty isn’t old.”
“It’s ancient,” Ed snapped, leaving the bedroom and walking out into the living room to put on his boots.
“What are you doing Thursday night?” Mustang asked, following him.
Ed stopped halfway through pulling on one of his boots and stared at the floor. “Something else,” he said in a low voice.
“None of your business.”
“Can you come over around nine?”
Ed sighed heavily. After what had just been said in the bedroom, he should tell Mustang no, should tell him to go fuck himself with something sharp and pointy, but...
“Are you going to feed me?”
“You can’t eat before coming over?”
“I could, but it’s more satisfying to have you pay for my dinner.”
“Buy something on the way here and I’ll reimburse you,” Mustang said in exasperation.
“Whatever,” Ed muttered as he finished pulling on his boots. Something was better than nothing. Standing up, he looked at Mustang and felt the urge to walk forward and put his arms around the man and demand to be held back. Just for a moment... But he didn’t. He’d be back on Thursday, and his memories would keep him warm until them. Instead Ed lifted a hand in farewell and left without saying another word.