Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Type: Crack, Humor
Pairing: Roy/Ed… Roy/Ed/…?
Summary: Ed suggests that he and Roy include the next person they see in their activities for the night, and gets an unexpected surprise.
A/N: This was written for nochick_fics, who spawned the idea by a poll she made asking people who they wanted Roy and Ed to meet down an alleyway. I personally thought it would be funny if they met a specific character (though she didn't quite feel the same and told me if she had to write smut with that character that she'd kill me given that I was trying to get everyone else to vote for that character XD ).
But yeah, no smut here. Just crack. Enjoy.
Ed stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked beside Roy and frowned deeply. It was Friday night, which meant that he’d be spending it with his handsome, brilliant, charming, though admittedly much older, boyfriend. It also meant that Ed could pretty much predict what they’d be doing. ‘Brilliance’ did not always equate ‘exciting’, and that just happened to be the case with Roy Mustang. Not that he couldn’t be exciting, Ed amended mentally, it was just that he was sort of laid back in his spare time and... well... just not exciting.
Ed was spontaneous and a risk taker in everything he did. He loved the thrill of doing something new, or challenging, or down right crazy. Perhaps that’s why he’d pursued Roy Mustang as a love interest. It had just seemed insanely ridiculous and impossible. And yet, now that Ed had Roy, he was starting to realize that the man was a lot more boring than he’d thought he’d be.
“What’s with the face?” Ed glanced up and realized that he was being watched.
“Eh, well...” Ed began, wondering if it would be in his best interest to share his thoughts or not. “I was just thinking we should try something... new.”
“New?” Roy asked, sounding interested and wary at the same time. “The last time we tried something ‘new’ we almost got arrested.” Ed felt his face burn a little and decided he didn’t want to dwell on that little embarrassment.
“You’re right, but this time it won’t be like that,” he explained quickly, then seeing the doubtful look on Roy’s face, Ed said, “No really, trust me!”
“That’s also what you said last time,” Roy reminded him, then said, “What do you have in mind?”
Ed glanced around, trying to think quickly. He hadn’t actually had something in mind, but he said the first thing that came to mind. “Let’s have a threesome.”
“A threesome?” Roy asked, sounding both incredulous and interested. “Who do you have in mind?”
That was a very good question that Ed didn’t have the answer to. He couldn’t think of anyone he knew who would be open to having a threesome with him and Roy, or that he would want to have a threesome with. It had just been a split second idea.
“Well,” Ed drawled slowly, trying not to let Roy know that he actually hadn’t planned this out at all. “I figured we could just walk down a few alleyways and the first person we saw we could try to talk them into it.”
Any interest on Roy’s face instantly vanished. “No way,” he said flatly.
“Why not?” Ed asked, feeling like this was an incredibly awesome idea he was coming with out of no where.
“Have you seen the type of people who hang out in the alleys?”
Ed rolled his eyes. “There are normal people in alleyways near Central Headquarters, and we’re in the area anyway, so let’s just try an alley or two.”
“This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen,” Roy said hesitantly. “Can’t we just find a third person in a more normal way?”
“Hey, you didn’t sign up for normal when you started dating me,” Ed said with a grin. “So what do you say? Let’s at least try one alley.”
Roy gave him a dubious look, but finally sighed and shook his head. “Okay, one alley.”
With a grin, Ed turned down the next alley way. He didn’t see anyone, but that didn’t stop him from walking in anyway. Truthfully, he felt a little relieved. He wasn’t exactly sure how he’d go about asking some random stranger if they wanted to have sex with him and Roy.
When they were several paces in, a voice behind them boomed loudly, “Colonel! Edward!”
Ed’s heart stopped at that voice, and he dreaded the thought of turning around, but turn around he did. And there, at the alley entrance was Alex Armstrong in all his muscular glory. Unable to help himself, Ed glanced up at Roy only to see that his lover had a very evil grin on his face.
Now, while ‘exciting’ wasn’t the word Ed would use to describe Roy, ‘devious’ definitely was. And for someone who was supposed to be ‘oh so mature’, Roy had a way of keeping Ed on his toes. Because while sometimes what Roy did was just teasing, sometimes he really meant it, and Ed could never count on Roy not following through with something, no matter how ridiculous it might be.
“Hello, Major,” Roy said in a voice that clearly told Ed he was up to something.
“I was on my way home,” Armstrong said in his characteristically strong voice. “And I passed by and unexpectedly saw the two of you.”
And of course he just had to say hi, Ed thought, knowing all too well how the man worked.
“And I just had to say hello!” Armstrong finished with a smile.
“Uh huh,” Roy said with that same evil grin. “And you have plans for this fine Friday night?”
Ed felt blood rush to his face. Oh HELL NO, Ed thought in panic. Sure he was daring and spontaneous, but not that daring and spontaneous. Roy had to be joking. He absolutely had to...
“Sadly no,” Armstrong said. “Tomorrow I’ll be visiting my parents for dinner, but tonight will be quiet. And you? Do you and Edward have plans?”
Roy glanced down at Ed, who tried to psychically convey that there was no way in hell he was going to have a threesome with Armstrong. For one thing the man was huge. Hell, his cock was probably thicker than Ed’s arm. There was no way Ed was going to let that near any opening on his body. For another, the man’s personality was just... No. He was just too over the top. Ed wouldn’t be surprised if the man came glitter.
If Roy picked up on the vibes Ed was trying to send out to him, he gave no sign. Instead, he looked back at Armstrong and said, “We’re still trying to decide, but it’s possible we could be doing something very big.”
Ed involuntarily choked at what Roy said and began to cough. Instantly, Armstrong was beside him patting him hard on the back and asking him if he was in good health.
“I think the prospects of tonight’s activities are a little overwhelming to him,” Roy said, and Ed didn’t even need to look to know that the man was grinning. “Ed,” Roy said, addressing him now. “Don’t worry. The major will take really good care of you.”
Ed instantly turned his head and stared at Roy in disbelief. This was not happening. It just wasn’t. Roy had to be joking with him.
The smile on Roy’s face grew and he said, “Did I ever tell you that the major and I were good friends during the war?”
Instantly Armstrong began to sniffle, and put his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “You were always so good to me!”
The mental image of Roy and Armstrong being good friends left Ed wondering if he should be laughing or crying right now. The conviction Ed had that Roy was playing with him, now began to slip away, leaving him feeling a little sick to his stomach.
Roy glanced at him, and as if he understood that Ed had suffered enough, he said, “Well, I think Ed and I are going to go. Thank you for stopping.”
“Of course!” Armstrong boomed cheerfully. He gave Ed one last smack on the back, then was on his way.
There was a long moment of silence, then Roy began to laugh. “You should have seen your face!”
“Fuck you!” Ed snapped, embarrassed now that the threat was gone.
“That sounds good to me,” Roy said, still chuckling. “How about we make it just you and me though.” Ed nodded, not about to argue after the trauma he’d just suffered. “And I have a friend who can get us tickets to the symphony tonight...” Roy added tentatively. “I know a nice place we could get dinner.”
“Uh... no,” Ed said, not feeling magnanimous enough to suffer through Roy’s idea of a pleasant evening. “Hamburgers and laser tag,” he counter offered as they headed out of the alleyway. They argued back and forth for a few minutes, each presenting their case to the other of what they should do for the evening, until they finally decided on an activity—one that involved just the two of them.