ZaKai Stonewall (zakai_) wrote,
ZaKai Stonewall

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Oneshot: How to Open a Bottle of Champagne

Title: How to Open a Bottle of Champagne
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating: PG
Pairings: None
Type: Oneshot, Crack, Humor, Holiday
Summary:  A variety of characters from the FMA cast give their opinions on the best way to open a bottle of champagne.

A/N:  If you head over HERE, [info]hikaru_9 drew a nice picture to accompany this fic!  Thank you hikaru!  You’re awesome!  Happy New Year to all! 



How to Open a Bottle of Champagne


Starring: The FMA Cast



Jean Havoc


“How would I open a bottle of champagne?” Havoc asked with a smile.  He held up a finger to the camera, took the bottle over to a scantily dressed woman and said, “I had this bottle of champagne and I thought that this champagne should be drunk by a wonderful and good-looking person.”


The woman smiled, grabbed the bottle, and said, “You’re right,” before turning and walking off with the bottle. 


Jean blinked, looked at the camera, and said moodily, “That happens to me all the time...”




Alphonse Elric


With a piece of chalk, Alphonse drew an array on the ground, set the bottle down, and transmuted the foil, wire cage, and cork into particles of dust that scattered on the wind.




Riza Hawkeye


Riza pulled out her gun and with one shot, took the top of the glass bottle off.  Champagne foamed out of the jagged top as she gave the camera a smug look.




Alex L. Armstrong


Flexing his massive muscles, Alex bellowed, “I will now show you the Armstrong champagne opening technique passed down from generation to generation!”  He grabbed the bottle tightly with one hand, grabbed the top where the foil covered it, and pulled the foil, cork, and wire off in one mighty pull.  Champagne sprayed out of the bottle and covered his body, making his muscles glisten and sparkle.






Opening his mouth wide, Gluttony stuffed the whole bottle in, chewed on it, then made a grab for the camera.




Winry Rockbell


Winry positioned the bottle in a clamp to hold it still, then secured a small wrench around the cork, and pulled. 




She frowned, then climbed on the table and with a mighty heave, pulled the cork, and the wire holding it, from the bottle.  With a yell, she fell off the table while the champagne bubbled from the bottle.


A moment later the wrench flew through the air, smashed into the bottle, and slammed against the opposite wall.




Heymans Breda


“Champagne?” he said with a laugh.  “I don’t do that kind of stuff.  I do beer, buuuut...”  Untwisting the wire, Heymans let the cork fly off the bottle and took a swig of the overflowing champagne as it bubbled messily onto his uniform.






Holding up a plastic bottle that said ‘Cream Soda’, Envy grinned and said, “I’ve already opened it and put the champagne into a different bottle.  I can’t allow you to see the champagne bottle’s true form or I’ll have to kill you.”




Edward Elric


Edward yelled incoherently at the camera man then hurled the miniature bottle of champagne someone had exchanged for the normal one toward the camera.




Izumi Curtis


After clapping her hands together, Izumi pressed her palms against the bottle and after a flash of light she easily took off the foil, undid the wire, and pulled off the cork.  She smiled when nothing foamed out, then proceeded to give the camera man a long winded lecture on changing the properties of a carbonated beverage.






With a smirk, Greed tucked the bottle under his arm and said, “I’m greedy and don’t want to share that secret with you.




Maes Hughes


Grinning manically, Maes Hughes plopped the bottle next to his daughter and proceeded to snap pictures.  “Isn’t that cute!  It’s her first New Year’s Eve!!”




Zolf J. Kimblee


“Here,” Zolf said, stepping up the camera man.  “Hold this for a moment...”  There was silence for a moment as Zolf moved out of the camera’s view.  The camera began to shake then suddenly there was an explosion and the camera fell before being shut off.




Alfons Heiderich


“Wow, champagne!” Alfons exclaimed excitedly, then turned and set it down on the table.  As he turned back toward the camera, he bumped the table and the bottle crashed to the floor.  For a moment, disbelief filled his face then he looked beyond the camera, pointed, and cried, “Look!  A rocket!”  The camera turned, but when nothing was in sight, it turned back only to find Alfons was gone.




Ling Yao


Ling looked at the bottle for a moment, smiled, then said to the camera, “This is on Edward Elric’s tab, right?”






Walking angrily up to the camera, Scar said to the camera man, “You’re not a State Alchemist, right?”


The camera moved back and forth.


Scar relaxed a little and said, “That’s good for you because if you were a State Alchemist, I’d open this bottle on your head!”




King Bradley


“Opening a bottle of champagne is easy,” he said, then waved over a private.  “You have someone else do it for you.”  He handed the bottle to the private, then said, “Open this bottle, and be warned...”  His tone became dark and foreboding.  “If you do not open this bottle correctly, the punishment is death.”  There was a moment of silence while the soldier, who was now pale and quivering slightly, thought about this, then Bradley said with a grin, “Just kidding.”




Roy Mustang


After examining the bottle, Roy easily unwrapped the foil where the tab lay and said, “You start with the tab and by undoing it you can take the foil off the top to reveal the wire cage and the cork.”


“To take off the wire cage,” Roy continued knowledgeably, “you twist the wire counter-clockwise a few times, but be sure to keep your finger on the cork because once you loosen the cage, there’s a very good chance that the cork might fly off.”  He scowled at the camera.  “Especially with cheap champagnes.”


“So, put the cage down.  Notice my finger is still on the cork,” he added.  “Immediately you want to go to the forty-five degree posture because that will keep the champagne from spilling over when you open it.”


Taking a firm grip on both the bottle and the cork, he continued.  “You’ll want to turn the cork—not the bottle, the cork.  Gently wiggle the cork back and forth, and you’ll find that you may have to fight it from not flying off.”  He paused and gave the camera another glare.  “Especially if the champagne is cheap...”


Clearing his throat, Roy said, “Now, you’ll want to let the air out very slowly by picking the corner of the cork up.”  There was a faint hissing sound.  “If you let the air out,” Roy said, finally taking the cork away from the bottle, “you don’t have it flying out everywhere.  The point is to get the champagne in your mouth, not on the floor.”


He grabbed a glass and began to pour.  “With champagne, you want to pour it very slowly because it will foam up.  Just a very small drizzle so it doesn’t spill over.”


Roy took a sip, shrugged, then smiled at the camera.  “And that is how you open a bottle of champagne.  I hope you all have a safe and fun New Year’s Eve.”  And with that, he loosened his tie, grabbed the bottle and two glasses, wiggled his eyebrows at the camera, and said with a grin, “I know I will.”

Tags: oneshot, stories
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