Snackattack (xeroxicide__) wrote,

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I've been feeling a little depressed lately. A different kind of depression, however. If it had been 2 years ago i would have been looking for people to rant to or to harvest sympathy from. Whether it be a friend, a cute guy, or an attractive older man. Yes, I'm twisted and I used to like pulling people down with me all the while convincing them of...well many things.

I bled on the ballroom floor for attention OK? hhahaa yeah. Sometimes...maybe hardly ever but since I'm so ashamed that I did it's all that stands out to me.

Back to what I was saying maybe...
I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of questioning things that can't be answered (?)
I can't seem to dwell on anything else and I find myself tracing my life from one negative aspect to the next which affects other around me which turns into a vicious cycle of pain for everyone, of course including those at the end of the butterfly effect who are at the bottom of it all and suffer the most.

I can't focus on anything lately either I just haven't really been myself to myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm only a spectator and I hate feeling that way.

I have discovered many things about myself in the last 6-8 weeks though. I love ashlee simpson, and lindsay lohan . AS MUSIC ARTISTS GAHHH. Lol, funny how I used to not be able to admit that I liked certain bands
but I really don't care anymore. I like everything except for the things I don't like :) Hmm?

But being in an intensive learning environment has taught me a thing or two about why I'm such a "die-hard" existentialist. chh hahaha. Well for one thing all the science in the universe that will ever come out of this institution or any like it will never reveal the meaning of life. Although, I'm not so sure whether the approach is..subjective or objective, but its all the same.

And sometimes it just doesn't really matter, and the absurd can be a lot more thrilling than being all the time i killed Peter Jennings.

I wish I could feel for a moment how the man who was quantitatively the happiest man in the world. Just to know what I should be aiming for ;)

Just remember that existence precedes essence and that says so much on many levels. Everyone defines themselves through their essence but how often do you think about the former and how it actually feels to exist. Your essence is subject to make or break your day, but it'd have no value without your (not my...mind you) pathetic existance. Oh sartre, kierkegaard, nietszche, and camus i love you. hehehe~

Ugh and I have been having a compulsive shopping problem. Like I'll have intuition that my deposit has been put in for the 2 weeks ($150) and I'll wake up at 4:00 am and work myself into the negatives and go back to bed and wake up at 1 pm and freak out. damn

Angsty entries are always the longest but I do have happy things to talk about of course!!

I like someone :) I love crushes they're so 7th grade but they never get old and I don't want to know what happens the day it does get old :O :(
I miss all my good chyllbuddies back home..I can't wait until winter but then again I really love it here and I love the way it has changed me and I wouldn't want to actually live in Seoul again. You just don't get as much out of a place that is so close to being a homogenous society and well...there's no stars.

I really hate sympathy. Empathy is great but I really do have a huge grudge against sympathy. Is sympathy not a lazy person's compassion /helping hand? Goddammit.

I aim too high on things I shouldn't and I don't try hard enough on everything else. My ambition is skewed ...and my priorities are uhh nonexistant. I don't know whether I wander through organized chaos or chaotic organization but the latter sounds like a good thing so it's probably not that.

My mom would be proud of me though, I actually like cleaning my room (>than once a week) but nonetheless.

I miss my family, a lot of things make me sad. . . but a lot of things here make me happy too. I feel really awkward like I kind of lost myself in the transition from wherever or whatever I was before until now.


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    nom nom nom

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    Reading: Edinburgh, Althusser, ... This qtr read: The Temperature of this Water, Native Speaker, Dictee, The Interpreter, Under Flag, The Watcher…

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    reading: dispatches from the cold, mythologies, homer

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