(no subject)

Reading: Edinburgh, Althusser, ...
This qtr read: The Temperature of this Water, Native Speaker, Dictee, The Interpreter, Under Flag, The Watcher from Waipuna, The Iliad, Karl Marx, Minima Moralia, Catherine Belsey, Lenin.....
Last qtr?: Nightwood, The Postman Always Rings Twice, The Sheltering Sky, Moses Man of the Mountain, Manhattan Transfer, Home to Harlem, Wise Blood, Lolita, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Death and the Maiden, ...

I want to be a science-fiction writer.
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(no subject)

my wish/need list :))))

digital camera
dkny red delicious or be delicious
silver flats
strawberry facesoap from missha
hello kitty stuffffffff
french manicure set
cell phone decorations
mattress pad

(no subject)

"The man who would be a warrior considers it his most basic intention to keep death always in mind, day and night, from the time he first picks up his chopsticks in celebrating his morning meal on New Year's Day to the evening of the last day of the year. When one constantly keeps death in mind, both loyalty and filial piety are realized, myriad evils and disasters are avoided, one is without illness and mishap, and lives out a long life. In addition, even his character is improved. Such are the many benifits of this act.
-Daidoji Yuzan, Budoshoshinshu: The Warrior's Primer

If you understand this then do not mourn them but be thankfull that they make the sacrafices of killing and dying."

(no subject)


" It should be understood that Sartre does not apply this principle universally, but only to humanity. Sartre argued that there were essentially two kinds of being. The first is being-in-itself (l’en-soi), which is characterized as fixed, complete, and having absolutely no reason for its being — it just is.

This describes the world of external objects. The second is being-for-itself (le pour-soi), which is characterized as dependent upon the former for its existence. It has no absolute, fixed, eternal nature and describes the state of humanity.

Sartre, like Husserl, argued that it is an error to treat human beings in the same way we treat external objects. When we consider, for example, a hammer, we can understand its nature by listing its properties and examining the purpose for which it was created. Hammers are made by people for certain reasons — in a sense, the “essence” or “nature” of a hammer exists in the mind of the creator before the actual hammer exists in the world. Thus, one can say that when it comes to things like hammers, essence precedes existence.

But is the same true of human beings? Traditionally this was assumed to be the case because people believed that humans were created by God. According to traditional Christian mythology, humanity was created by God through a deliberate act of will and with specific ideas in mind — God knew what was to be made before humans ever existed. Thus, in the context of Christianity, humans are like hammers because the “essence” (nature, characteristics) of humanity existed in the eternal mind of God before any actual humans existed in the world. "

"A central question in Kierkegaard’s writings is how the individual human being can come to terms with their own existence, for it is that existence which is the most important thing in every person’s life. Unfortunately, we are as if adrift in a infinite sea of possible modes of living with no secure anchor that reason informs us will provide certainty and confidence.

This produces despair and anguish, but in the midst of our “metaphysical sickness” we will face a “crisis,” a crisis which reason and rationality cannot decide.

We are forced to reach a decision anyway and to make a commitment, but only after making what Kierkegaard called a “leap of faith” — a leap that is preceded by an awareness of our own freedom and the fact that we might choose wrongly, but nevertheless we must make a choice if we are to truly live.

Those who have developed the Christian themes of Kierkegaard’s existentialism explicitly focus upon the idea that the leap of faith we make must be one which causes us to surrender ourselves totally to God rather than to insist on a continued reliance upon our own reason. It is, then, a focus upon the triumph of faith over philosophy or intellect. "


(no subject)

I've been feeling a little depressed lately. A different kind of depression, however. If it had been 2 years ago i would have been looking for people to rant to or to harvest sympathy from. Whether it be a friend, a cute guy, or an attractive older man. Yes, I'm twisted and I used to like pulling people down with me all the while convincing them of...well many things.

I bled on the ballroom floor for attention OK? hhahaa yeah. Sometimes...maybe hardly ever but since I'm so ashamed that I did it's all that stands out to me.

Back to what I was saying maybe...
I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of questioning things that can't be answered (?)
I can't seem to dwell on anything else and I find myself tracing my life from one negative aspect to the next which affects other around me which turns into a vicious cycle of pain for everyone, of course including those at the end of the butterfly effect who are at the bottom of it all and suffer the most.

I can't focus on anything lately either I just haven't really been myself to myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm only a spectator and I hate feeling that way.

I have discovered many things about myself in the last 6-8 weeks though. I love ashlee simpson, and lindsay lohan . AS MUSIC ARTISTS GAHHH. Lol, funny how I used to not be able to admit that I liked certain bands
but I really don't care anymore. I like everything except for the things I don't like :) Hmm?

But being in an intensive learning environment has taught me a thing or two about why I'm such a "die-hard" existentialist. chh hahaha. Well for one thing all the science in the universe that will ever come out of this institution or any like it will never reveal the meaning of life. Although, I'm not so sure whether the approach is..subjective or objective, but its all the same.

And sometimes it just doesn't really matter, and the absurd can be a lot more thrilling than being all the time i killed Peter Jennings.

I wish I could feel for a moment how the man who was quantitatively the happiest man in the world. Just to know what I should be aiming for ;)

Just remember that existence precedes essence and that says so much on many levels. Everyone defines themselves through their essence but how often do you think about the former and how it actually feels to exist. Your essence is subject to make or break your day, but it'd have no value without your (not my...mind you) pathetic existance. Oh sartre, kierkegaard, nietszche, and camus i love you. hehehe~

Ugh and I have been having a compulsive shopping problem. Like I'll have intuition that my deposit has been put in for the 2 weeks ($150) and I'll wake up at 4:00 am and work myself into the negatives and go back to bed and wake up at 1 pm and freak out. damn

Angsty entries are always the longest but I do have happy things to talk about of course!!

I like someone :) I love crushes they're so 7th grade but they never get old and I don't want to know what happens the day it does get old :O :(
I miss all my good chyllbuddies back home..I can't wait until winter but then again I really love it here and I love the way it has changed me and I wouldn't want to actually live in Seoul again. You just don't get as much out of a place that is so close to being a homogenous society and well...there's no stars.

I really hate sympathy. Empathy is great but I really do have a huge grudge against sympathy. Is sympathy not a lazy person's compassion /helping hand? Goddammit.

I aim too high on things I shouldn't and I don't try hard enough on everything else. My ambition is skewed ...and my priorities are uhh nonexistant. I don't know whether I wander through organized chaos or chaotic organization but the latter sounds like a good thing so it's probably not that.

My mom would be proud of me though, I actually like cleaning my room (>than once a week) but nonetheless.

I miss my family, a lot of things make me sad. . . but a lot of things here make me happy too. I feel really awkward like I kind of lost myself in the transition from wherever or whatever I was before until now.

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