1x01 - PILOT
"Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil but: her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh and she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test so she really needs to focus and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold."
1x02 - SPANISH 101
"Hey Abed, real stories -- they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?"
1x03 - INTRODUCTION TO FILM
"I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face."
1x04 - SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
"I wasn't sure how or when to bring up that I was hanging out with Vaughn, I figured that you'd.. make fun of him, and me."
1x05 - ADVANCED CRIMINAL LAW
"I don't know, I guess the same reason that I cheated.. I just have more experience being worthless, I think I left that cribsheet on the floor because I wanted to get caught. I'm so used to screwing everything up I just wanted to get it over with."
1x06 - FOOTBALL, FEMINISM, AND YOU
"I've peed alone my whole life. Women have always hated me. I don't even know how it started, maybe it was when I got boobs before everyone-"
1x07 - INTRODUCTION TO STATISTICS
"I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress like sluts, you know."
1x08 - HOME ECONOMICS
"Saying goodbye to Britta was the hardest thing to do, but when someone's a bitch and a liar, there ain't nothing left to woo. I'm getting rid of Britta, I'm getting rid of the B. (She's a no good B) I'm getting rid of Britta, I'm getting rid of the B. (She's a GDB)"
1x09 - DEBATE 109
"NO! I've got one for you! A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder!"
1x10 - ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE
"Oh, Abed I'm sorry. He probably found more rats and is very happy living with them!"
1x11 - THE POLITICS OF HUMAN SEXUALITY
"Carwash Redhead,Tubetop REM Concert, Juror #6, that sounds above board. At least you have mommy in here."
1x12 - COMPARATIVE RELIGION
"The real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness."
1x13 - INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
"Where did you go, Britta?"
"Amsterdam. I think. I'll know more when I find my camera."
1x14 - INTERPRETIVE DANCE
"Ooh, "you people"? What do you mean "you people"? I cannot believe I got to say that!"
1x15 - ROMANTIC EXPRESSIONISM
"Fine! I cared! I'm a girly girl! I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends! I'm not that cool. I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice?!"
1x16 - COMMUNICATION STUDIES
"Well, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid but entertaining."
1x17 - PHYSICAL EDUCATION
"Don't be Mike Brady. Mike Brady's not sexy. You should be like Jo from Facts of Life."
1x18 - BASIC GENEALOGY
"I don't understand you, Britta! I don't understand you at all!"
1x19 - BEGINNER POTTERY
"Someone's mom gave them way too much praise."
1x20 - THE SCIENCE OF ILLUSION
"I'm a buzz kill, that's why. Because that's who I am. That's my role. You guys, you create fun, and I destroy it. Of course a silly little joke ends with a dead body on the lawn. I should have known that, but I wanted to do it anyway, cause I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be funny. Knock knock! Who's there? Cancer! Oh, good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"
1x21 - CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN POULTRY
"I may not eat meat, but I'm not gonna eat that injustice."
1x22 - THE ART OF DISCOURSE
"You need to bang that kid's mom!"
1x23 - MODERN WARFARE
"Please tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball."
"No, I had sex with you and now I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross."
1x24 - ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE
"Will someone back me up if I say this is ridiculous or is this going to be another Avatar situation?"
1x25 - PASCAL'S TRIANGLE REVISITED
"Jeff needs a girl who doesn't just not wear underwear because Oprah told her it would spice things up, he needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear because she hasn't done laundry in three weeks. He's been to flavour country now, they should retire the table we did it on."
all caps credit to fishsticktheatre.
do not post anything here to tumblr,
I'll be posting them to my own.