Today well lets just say interesting.. For the least.
So much stuff has been changing.
I feel I have to watch what I say around certain people now.
I feel I have lost a few close friends.
People spread too much bull-shit.
And some people never grow up.
I guess most people would call this my "depression stage". But also, most people aint at this so called "depression stage" most of their life’s. This is being posted not as a "feel sorry for me" post but so everyone will know exactly what im going through, exactly what is the matter with me so no-one will ask me "Whats wrong". To speak the obvious i really don’t know myself. Im so freaking aggravated, I’ve been like this forever now. I hate everything. Everything is bothering me. I get so frustrated so easy. I lose my cool over some pretty stupid shit. I miss everything the way it used to be. I miss all of my friends being there, all of my family being proud, all of my family being together as a family, I miss having God in my life, I miss having someone there, just to listen, for me to cry on their shoulder, for them to understand. I hate not having that. I hate me, no i don’t hate me i just hate being me. Maybe if i was someone different, a God filled gracious person I would have a better life. I know its not best to live in the past. Right now that is so hard to remember. In the past everything was so great. Had so many great friends. The type that would do anything for you. now, I only have a few. sure, they say their your there friend but as soon as you tell them everything, spill your guts to them they run off and stab you right dead in the back. The thing is I have no one to talk to, no one. Not anyone from North Gaston, not anyone from Ashbrook, not anyone from East Gaston, not even anyone from Highland. I shouldn’t get attached to anyone anyways. In the end there just going to disappoing you and you will end up with no one anyways. I can never live up to ANY of my expectations. I can't with my friends... I am always a disappointment to them. I don’t wear the right clothes, I don’t spend enough time with them, they don’t have enough comments from me to them on my profile, etc.. I can't with my dad... I always disappoint him. I don't have good enough grades, don’t do enough chores, talk on the phone too much, talk on the computer too much, don’t spend enough time with the family, I spend to much money, etc.. I cant with my mom... I always disappoint her too. I don’t spend enough time with family, too much computer time, im never home, i spend to much money, etc.. Boys...now threes a big disappointment. When i have a boyfriend he’s always saying im to this or not enough that. That I talk to too many other people. Its always crazy shit. But no one and i mean no one is ever satisfied by what I do or what I can do. I hope im not crazy by thinking this but sometimes I wish there might not be a tomorrow. I wish I could just leave my unhappy life and go on to what is ahead for me. I mean people say, "People Would Be So Sad" but i truly doubt that. I mean come on, who would cry at my funeral? No one that’s who. Mostly I just feel like no one is ever there to listen, I mean really who wants to listen. But, it would be so great if I could have just ONE *best friend* that would be there to just listen to me. Some one i could even "cry on their shoulder". But, yeah, sure, like that will EVER happen. Who wants to be this girls friend? Anyone? ((Cricket, Cricket)) Well really this whole thing was just to get some stuff of my chest. Everyone one lately has been asking if I am alright. And the answer is NO! Im not alright. I am about five seconds away from a breakdown. If I was to breakdown. I wouldn’t make it back out of my breakdown. You know why? Because there is no one to bring me back up. No one! No one! I may seem angry but Im not. I just feel like I deserve some one, anyone. I just need something. One thing to make me better. I am so sorry to sound "cry babyish" if i did. It is everything that is going on right now. I feel bad acting so awful. I feel guilty because I know I don’t have it as bad as some people. I am grateful for what I have, I really am. I just need SOMEONE, ANYONE! And I need for life to GET BETTER!
"I wish all of this would end. Im tired of the drama, I am so tired of the bull shit. Im just tired, tired of being me."
x.0.S0me Sh0ut 0uts.0.x.
Lily. Thank you so much for everything, If you wouldn’t of been there I would of Been so lost. Worse than I am now. But I am always here for you no matter what. But I don’t know what to do About the other thing I was talking to you About. Its all confusing and scary. I am so scared what the outcome would be. I don’t Know. But I will let you know when you Can talk to him about it all, if I ever let you. But don’t until I tell you to. Thanks lily, for everything. You are the Greatest. Everything has been so confusing lately and you have been one of the few people to be there so thanks so freakin’ much!! But thanks again for everything and I am always here if you need me.
Smruti. You are so awesome. I am glad That everything worked out in the end. I am also glad that we became friends Again and I am so lucky to have someone Like you there for me. I know I can tell You anything and I hope you know that You can tell me anything as well. I am Always here for you no matter what. Don’t tell anyone what I told you because like I said I am sort of ashamed about it Now that I look back. But please keep Quite about that. Thanks. And you are The greatest. Ohh, good-luck with your decision on what you are going to do about him! Love.
Lauren. Thanks for everything. The trip Was so much fun but it would have been So much different without you. I am glad That we have became closer. I am always Here if you need me no matter what. I Hope everything goes good/or works out For you and Brad. I don’t know what to Tell you but if you think it is best, then Go for it. I know I should so not be the One saying that because look at me I Haven’t went for anything but just go for It. But you are the greatest. Love.
Lace. You are so great. I know that you Will always be there, and I am always There for you if you need me no matter What. You are so lucky to have such a Great guy like Josh. He is so in love with You. Yall are so great together and you Seem so happy. I know you have been Together awhile but I hope it last so much Longer. Good luck with everything. I am Always here if you ever need me no matter what. Ohh, and don’t worry about HER she isn’t going to do anything to mess things up he wont let her. Love.
Lauren. You are such a great person. I am always here for you no matter what and we have to get together over the summer. And the party that your going to “get made to have” is going to be a blast. LMFAO! But have a great summer and you better keep in touch. Love.
Allyson. I am so happy for you. And don’t worry about “them” he is in love With you and nothing they do will change That. But I can so understand where you Are coming from. But I am so glad that We have gotten so close this year. I would Of been so in the dark without you. I am Always here if you ever need me no Matter what it is about. Don’t worry about her we will fix what all she is saying about all of us. And yes, know she likes him there is nothing in my mind telling me she isn’t, I’m not that stupid! Thanks for Everything Allyson. Love.
Shannon. I hope that everything going On with you and Oompa works out. If Not then God must have something else Planned out for you, something better. But don’t get discouraged, you have Great friends that are always there if You need them. But thanks for everything You have done for me. I am always here If you ever need me no matter what. Thanks, Shan*, Thanks. Love.
Aaron. The past few weeks have been so Great and your friends are so awesome. Thanks for showing me everything with Pool, it has been so much fun. I am so Lucky that we became friends and I am Always here for you if you ever need Someone to talk to, no matter what. Love.
Jacob. We need to get together. Our phone call that lasted like forever was great we needed to talk to each other about so much stuff. I hope everything gets better for you and all. But if not I am always here for you no matter what. Love.
Bennett. Thanks for everything this year. You are such a great person and a great Friend to have. I am always here if you Ever need me or just need someone To talk to. But I am always here for you. Hope everything gets better for you Soon, if not, then it will and remember, You are not alone. But thanks again and I am always here. Love.
You guys are the greatest..*
Holly. Lily. Smruti. Lace. Lauren. Allyson. Allison. Shannon. Aaron. Bennett. Goose. Paul. Jessica. Stacey. Hannah. Amber. Jimmy. Megan. Megan. Nikki. Leah. Aaron. Brittany. Braden. Jacob. Whitney. Deanna. & Anyone Else I May Of Forgot <33
I.F. you <L.o.v.e.3 S.o.m.e.o.n.e. You say I.t. Right Then.. Out L.o.u.d.
Otherwise.. The M.o.m.e.n.t. Passes You B.y.
Pull the t.r.i.g.g.e.r. and the nightmare s t 0 p s*