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I’ve been crying a lot with all the talk and advertisements of Mother’s Day. I’m finally responding to my mom’s death—before I was distracted due to other drama going on, but now, her death is brought before me every day. I hate hearing my coworkers talking about Mother’s Day, I hate them all saying ‘Have a good Mother’s Day!’ as they leave for the weekend. Twice yesterday, two friends of mine asked me what I was doing Sunday, and I said, “…visiting my mom’s grave,” and then they got all uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I love these particular friends and don’t think them insensitive or anything; I’m just sore at everyone right now who has a mother. I was crying so hard last night that I called up my dad and just complained. It was good.

I just hate that our family dynamic is so confused. We’re all still not used to her not being here, and I hate the inconsistency/instability. And just when the foundation of my family has been shaken, the foundation of my friends also gets shaken, nearly demolished, so I can’t even find comfort in my friends. Every way I turn there’s instability and inconsistency, no solid foundation I can stand on.

But that is merely how I feel; I know that’s not the truth. My family is still very consistent and stable, it’s just our dynamic that’s confused. My friends, such as you all, have always been consistent and supportive. It’s just a stupid feeling, one of self-pity. I just feel like I’ve lost so many people lately, and I can distract myself from the fact until a holiday comes up celebrating one of the people I lost.

I bought my mom a pretty wreath to put on her grave when we make the drive Sunday. I’m probably going to cry, even though I didn’t cry at her funeral. I miss her so much.

On the positive side, Jami and the kids are coming up from Texas the first week of July, and I got off that Friday and Tuesday of July 4th weekend, so I’ll have a mini vacation then!

Discerning is AWESOME

Marriage As Vocation, Week 2, Day 12 (I think?): Wow. You guys, such blessings, such self-discovery has come from this 2 week thing. I was confiding in Holly, my therapist, yesterday, about my peace with this vocation, and how…I don’t know, it’s like my soul has been cleaned, and I don’t recognize the once messy room I’d kept. Holly said, “Being decided on marriage as your vocation, it’s like it gave you PERMISSION to actively look, to be open to a relationship!” :-O That’s true! I needed permission from myself! I hadn’t even realized that. Holly said how she always saw dissonance in me surrounding romance, like I wanted a relationship but wasn’t willing to admit such for fear it’ll make me look weak or pathetic, so I played games with myself, screwing with my thinking and screwing up my chances. Now she sees a peace in me, she hears it in my voice, she sees me radiating positive energy. I said, “No way! That’s crazy, cuz I totally felt like I was getting special attention from some guys Saturday!” Correlation much? Crazy how that works!
I’m having so much fun with this vocation, experiencing such peace that I don’t want to move onto the consecrated life 2 weeks>P But I will, just to be obedient and thorough.

I feel free, liberated, and taken care of. Let me just pat myself on the back and say I’ve come a long way in the last two months, when I lost a lot of support all at once. Well, I shouldn’t pat myself on the back cuz this was all God’s doing, so let’s all pat Him on the back:-P

Discernment Week 2...oh forget it!

Ok, I’m getting kind of sick of keeping this daily vocation diary. I’m sure you all are getting sick of reading the same thing over and over. I have peace, there it is. I have more peace now that I’m reading books that are all about giving up your love life to let God deal with it. So I’m totally laid-back with everything; I’m back in my usual state of being cool with being single. I know how to make it fun. Guys catch my eye here and there, but I’m not looking go fall prematurely, so I’m keeping my distance emotionally. I suppose these two weeks, though I’m only beginning the second week, have taught me—wow, yeah, they’ve totally taught me how to be at peace with a vocation of marriage and how to be Ok with being a woman seeking out fulfillment of such vocation. I used to be the girl who hated admitting to such, cuz I felt it conveyed I needed a man to be happy were I to actively look. But you all know I don’t need a man to be happy; no one does, though lots of people believe that. I don’t, and you know I don’t. So I’m Ok with this vocation; it’s not anti-feminist or cliché. It’s special and beautiful and…dare I say, me. It feels like me.


I have to be careful there; don’t wanna claim marriage as my vocation TOO soon. Fr. Martin said when people ask him what it’s like being a priest, he says, “It’s like being me. It’s who I am.” And that’s what I’m looking for in a vocation—the continuation of me.

Discernment week 2, Fr. Corapi

I’ve been slacking on keeping up with my daily vocation goings on. The weekend screwed me up! I’m keeping up with it offline, never fear! We are now into the second week of marriage as my vocation.
Week 2, day 2: Have moments of intense discouragement, other moments I’m cool with things. My emotions aren’t a roller coaster, just my faith. But I’m reading ‘Quest For Love,’ a book on giving control of your love life up to God, and it’s bringing me such strength and comfort. I’m finding much peace in select verses from Psalm 37:
Delight your in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
The justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.
[…] Refrain from anger and turn from wrath,
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
[…] If the Lord delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
[…] WAIT FOR THE LORD AND KEEP HIS WAY.
He will exalt you to inherit the land.

Saturday I went with friends to see Fr. Corapi speak (Fr. Corapi is a popular Catholic speaker). It.was.a.blast. Fr. Corapi was awesome-- though, sadly, his usual salt-and-pepper goatee was now dyed completely black. Jackie said he looked more like Howie Mandel than his usual Sean Connery self (he looks and sounds like Sean Connery). Then he told a story about riding a motorcycle, so our friend Eric speculated he was going through a midlife crisis>D We mean no disrespect, the guy’s awesome!!

But it was just so much fun—it was a series of 4 talks, and inbetween each talk there was a 45 minute break, where all of us would just wander about and run into people we knew (the Catholic community is St. Louis is so close-knit, you end up knowing A LOT of the people at these things! Though not everyone, of course—there was 7,000 people there!), or hanging outside, goofing off. It all ended with Mass celebrated by Archbishop Carlson, at which point a lot of the crowd left, so my friends and I snuck down to the floor seats (this was held at the Chaifetz arena) and got to sit on padded seats for Mass! Afterwards we went out to eat on the Hill….there ended up being 10 in our party! I don’t know how this happened, but now, if ever a few of us are going out to eat, we always end up with a MASSIVE group of people. Cuz everyone calls everyone! But it was still fun. I ended up hanging out with these people from 8am to 10:30pm! I was EXHAUSTED that night, cuz, being an introvert, being around so many people takes a lot out of me. But it was still a blast and a full day of absolute goodness.

Discernment, Week 1, Day 4

Marriage as vocation, week 1, day 4: Now I'm just sounding like a broken record. I don't know what God's doing, and I'm trying to be Ok with that, but I'm so used to doing SOMETHING, not just sitting by. But at least I'm waiting, listening, and that's what's important.

Week 1, Day 3

Marriage As Vocation, Week 1, Day 3: I'm confused as to how 'peace' is supposed to feel like. I know I've felt it before, but I question if what I'm feeling NOW is 'peace,' or if I'm just really comfortable and secure or sleepy. Must pray for clarity. Been meditating lots and relating deeply to the Scripture, "To whom much is given, much is required." (Luke 12:48)

Happy St. Catherine of Siena Day:-) Jackie sent me some articles on her, and one of the articles included this statement Jesus made to Catherine, via her book 'Dialogue': (it was such a blessing because it is exactly what I needed to hear from Jesus today)
"If you choose me as your companion you will not be alone; my love will always be with you...Trust in my love and set aside every fear...confront the princes and tyrants of this world with my strength. Take from me the fire of my Spirit and share with all my mercy and my burning love.
You are not alone. You have me."

Those last two sentences were DEFINITELY two hugs from Jesus. "You are not alone. You have me." ((HUGS))

Too Beautiful For Words

Married Life As Vocation, Week 1, Day 3: gained some insight into people's behaviors. Had some peace, but it was a confused peace, though that probably doesn't make sense. I still have NO CLUE as to what God's doing, but I'm having fun with it. Went to Adoration and was left completely alone in the chapel with Jesus. It felt like a date for us:-)

I like the lyrics to this song, Too Beautiful For Words. It's from the musical "The Color Purple," which is an amazing musical, very touching music.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND OF GAL
THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY.
I SAYS THE THINGS THAT'S ON MY MIND,
TOO DUMB TO SHY AWAY.
BUT YOU HUSH MY MOUTH AND STILL ME
WITH A SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE JUST
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
I'VE SEEN THIS LIFE FROM HIGH AND LOW
AND ALL THAT'S IN BETWEEN.
I DANCED WITH DUKES, CROONED WITH COUNTS,
BEEN COURTED LIKE A QUEEN.
BUT WHEN I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART,
ALL THE REST IS BLURRED.
THE GRACE YOU BRING INTO THIS WORLD'S
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
YOU HIDE YOUR HEAD UNDER YOUR WING
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BIRD.
OH, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS?
CELIE, YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.

Discernment, day 2

Married Life As Vocation, Week 1, Day 2: Began the day bitter and confused as to how God was going to work this me-getting-married thing out. Had a revelation on the Scripture, “The Lord giveth and taketh away.” Hard to explain the revelation, but it oddly gave me much comfort and hope, and I’ve taken to repeating it randomly throughout the day to myself. Ended the day extremely hopeful; my heart definitely woke up a little:-)

Discernment!

I have been given an assignment from my spiritual director, Fr. Martin. He says I am to spend two weeks on one of the vocations—consecrated religious or married life—and for those two weeks, I am to act, pray, and think as if that one vocation IS my vocation. Then, after those two weeks, do another two weeks praying, thinking, and acting as if the OTHER is my vocation. Whichever brings me more peace is probably where God is calling me. Granted, it probably won’t make things *crystal clear*, but it WILL give me a chance to “be still and know that He is God.” And who knows, maybe it WILL make things crystal clear (fingers crossed)! But either way, the main point is I’m in conversations with both vocations. I need to give one conversation my full attention as opposed to switching back and forth, getting things muddled. Fr. Martin advised I begin with the married life being my vocation. So, for the next two weeks, starting yesterday, I am DECIDED. I plan on updating my journal daily with how I am doing with the call and how I am reacting to it. These journals will be a day late—i.e. what I post today is actually how I did yesterday—but the days don’t matter so much as the entries themselves.

Called to Marriage, Week 1, Day 1: didn’t feel much different, though it did feel really nice to be decided. Not at peace due to external circumstances. Kind of wanted to start out with religious life as vocation, but Fr. Martin told me not to do things out of fear, which was exactly why I wanted to postpone the married life vocation. He’s good.

My weekend plans

Tonight is my me night, the night to spend time alone, doing my hobbies that require only me—namely, exercising, reading, art journaling (or at least clearing off my desk, PREPARING for art journaling;-) I’ve been so busy all week, doing fun stuff, mind you, but still, it’s contributed to not enough sleep or lousy sleep, and consequently my left eye has turned pink. It’s not pink eye aka conjuncivitis, just *a* pink eye. Yesterday it was hurting, so I thought it MIGHT be pink eye, but today it’s felt totally fine; my cousin Brian said his eyes get like that when he has exams due to stress, poor sleep, and reading lots of tiny print. So I just need to chill out, sleep, and take some time away from the computer. I can do that. ERGO my me night consists of going to bed early! I’m excited.

Tuesday I practiced softball with Brenda, and we were SO HARDCORE, I ached all the way to last night from our 30 minute practice! She actually said I was really good! I’ve NEVER been complimented on my softball skillz before, it felt pretty special. Our first game is Monday…I’m kind of nervous, kind of not. Meh. The team knows what they’re getting by now, after the batting cages and practice;-)

Like I said, tonight’s my one free night this week. Tomorrow night I’m karaoke-ing, and Sunday I hope to go to a carnival! (Jenna, interested in the carnival? It’s in St. Louis! I’m going cuz the proceeds go to the charity Family Resource Center) Oh, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this Sunday. I’ll be going to the Basilica for Mass, and Sarah and Paul will be there. At first I was confident about the matter, but then Sarah emailed me yesterday, and it wasn’t anything mean, but just hearing from her or Paul fills me with such self-loathing; the whole situation has plummeted my self-esteem, so being reminded of the situation or of them fills me with this icky feeling that I’m not good enough. I mean, I WAS rejected by a guy AND a friend, how does one come out of that feeling totally capitol about oneself? Obviously not dealing with the feelings isn’t good, you gotta deal with it to be liberated from it, but ugh, it’s just so hard. So since her email totally killed my spirits and any self-worth I was feeling, I’m super dubious about the Basilica once again. So please keep me in your prayers, that my self-esteem will be THROUGH THE ROOF and that I’ll have fun no matter what.

What do you guys do when you feel down on yourself or to build yourself up?