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Goodness abounding

I haven’t written much lately cuz I’ve just been doing so much stuff, and I COULD list off the stuff I’ve been doing, but those journals are so droll, and journals are more for writing about your feelings and thoughts, not so much your actions.

I’m currently reading St. Theresa of Avila’s The Interior Castle, it’s a book on contemplative prayer. SO.GOOD. One line from the book is “God appreciates it when we don’t put limits to his works.” The next line was something about how we should then place all our trust in God, so in front of the Eucharist, I prayed, “Ok! I trust you completely, God!” And immediately, my heart started racing and I had trouble breathing—the anxious kind of physical reaction. I prayed, “I WANT to trust you completely, God, but…it’s so SCARY!” Then, it hit me—trust is scary! Duh! Trust doesn’t start out as this warm, fuzzy feeling; it starts out as a conscious decision to let go, and yeah, letting go is scary; if I WEREN’T scared of such a leap, I’d be a sociopath or something! So it’s not a matter of me FEELING the trust so much as deciding on the trust. So I prayed again, “God, I trust in you completely,” and the heart started racing and my breath came shorter, but I stuck to that prayer and said ‘screw you’ to my physical reactions. And ya know what? My body eventually went back to normal and I was able to chill again. And I haven’t been getting anxious since…in fact, I just realized this, I’ve been a lot more grateful for everyone and everything in my life and more laid back than ever. Well, I think part of that is also due to my currently reading Little Women, which has a bunch of good moral tales:-P But didn’t I just write a journal entry on how I’d been getting heaps of minor panic attacks? Haven’t had one since.

Then, as if to drive the lesson home for me, Dad, Ange, and Jackie are leaving Sunday for Texas, and I was a little concerned about what I would do for Memorial Day. Cuz everyone’s gonna be spending it with their families, but my family was going to be out of town. I was worried doing NOTHING would only invoke loneliness in me and a dissatisfaction of my extra day off. But I didn’t think too much on it, figuring something will come up, and if nothing does, oh well. I didn’t go out of my way to plan anything cuz I wanted to put it entirely in God’s hands, let something fall in my lap. Then, today, my friend texted me saying he got 5 tickets to Six Flags and wants us to get a group together and go Monday!! Well, first he was like, “Would you be interested in…” and I was all “UM YEAH!!!” Yay!!! Six Flags with friends on Memorial Day, I’ll take that! I feel like had I gone out of my way to plan something, it would have been NOWHERE NEAR as cool as Six Flags. AND I never even had to worry before about what will become of my Monday, cuz God’s watching out for me:-D Yes, even in seemingly frivolous things like this.



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June 2010
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