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Saturday morning I visited a cloistered convent. It was a convent where my grandma used to take my dad and his brothers and sisters for Eucharistic Adoration, so I felt an instant spiritual connection with the place. When I entered the place (the living quarters, not the chapel), a young, super sweet, smiling nun opened a slot in a door and instructed me to a certain room—since they’re cloistered, they speak to you through slots in a door or wall. The room looked like it came STRAIGHT from the 1930s; I wondered if they changed it at all since my grandma had been>D But I loved it. That week, I’d felt no peace regarding being a nun, but once I sat down and could take inventory of my feelings, I realized I was totally at peace; it felt sooo good.

Something that really opened my ears was talking to the Mother Superior about how one knows where one is supposed to be—like, first you decide between marriage and consecrated religious, then you have to decide what guy to marry or what religious order to enter, and there are TONS to choose from, where does the discerning end??? She comforted my saying there are more guys in the world than there are religious orders;-) But she also said, “In the end, it’s something God just puts on your heart.” My spiral into this chaos of confusion and discomfort is me wanting to grab ahold of the situation, shake God and demand to know what’s to be decided RIGHT NOW. But I’m not meant to decide anything right now; when I am, He will put it on my heart, and I will listen. So all my ranting and raving about confusion, don’t put up with it, cuz it only reveals a lack of trust and patience on my part. Oooh I want to listen to that song “Listen to Your Heart” now! That’s a good song, “Listen to your heart when he’s calling for you/listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do/I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why/but listen to your heart before you tell him good bye.” It kind of works for my situation! I now have a theme for my discernment process>D I like giving things theme songs.

Last night, whilst journaling about my consecrated religious vocation, I realized I hadn’t been taking it very seriously; I hadn’t been doing much to nurture it and focus on it. So it’s turn-over-a-new-leaf time! My schedule, when I don’t have already established responsibilities like work and softball, is going to mimic that of a nun’s! I woke up at 6 this morning to pray the Angelus, Benedictus, Lauds, Morning Prayers etc., then in the evening I will allow myself one hour of recreational activity, but any other time will be devoted to prayer/spiritual reading/meditation. Then I will have Night Prayers, Vespers, and Compline, cuz that’s how nuns do! Granted, this is more the life of a contemplative nun, but it’s where I want to start; I feel it on my heart:-) When I have a free night, I’m going to go to bed at 9:30 and wake up at 5:30, cuz those are the sleeping hours the Dominicans and Pink Sisters keep. And I assured Jackie I can still go on evening walks with her;-P So we shall see how it goes, and hopefully I will have more time to journal on this vocation!



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June 2010
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