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I’ve been crying a lot with all the talk and advertisements of Mother’s Day. I’m finally responding to my mom’s death—before I was distracted due to other drama going on, but now, her death is brought before me every day. I hate hearing my coworkers talking about Mother’s Day, I hate them all saying ‘Have a good Mother’s Day!’ as they leave for the weekend. Twice yesterday, two friends of mine asked me what I was doing Sunday, and I said, “…visiting my mom’s grave,” and then they got all uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I love these particular friends and don’t think them insensitive or anything; I’m just sore at everyone right now who has a mother. I was crying so hard last night that I called up my dad and just complained. It was good.

I just hate that our family dynamic is so confused. We’re all still not used to her not being here, and I hate the inconsistency/instability. And just when the foundation of my family has been shaken, the foundation of my friends also gets shaken, nearly demolished, so I can’t even find comfort in my friends. Every way I turn there’s instability and inconsistency, no solid foundation I can stand on.

But that is merely how I feel; I know that’s not the truth. My family is still very consistent and stable, it’s just our dynamic that’s confused. My friends, such as you all, have always been consistent and supportive. It’s just a stupid feeling, one of self-pity. I just feel like I’ve lost so many people lately, and I can distract myself from the fact until a holiday comes up celebrating one of the people I lost.

I bought my mom a pretty wreath to put on her grave when we make the drive Sunday. I’m probably going to cry, even though I didn’t cry at her funeral. I miss her so much.

On the positive side, Jami and the kids are coming up from Texas the first week of July, and I got off that Friday and Tuesday of July 4th weekend, so I’ll have a mini vacation then!

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
ja_revolution
May. 7th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
I actually think my relationships with the family have become MORE stable. Just because we're still not used to it, doesn't mean we're being inconsistent or unstable. Maybe our emotions are inconsistent, but I've been leaning on dad and Ange a lot and they've been coming through with flying colors, and the words that come to mind when describing our family, for me, are actually "consistent" and "stable".
seanjjordan
May. 10th, 2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
Hang in there
Hang in there, Vickie (and, of course, Jackie, and the rest of the family, too!).

It occurs to me that many mothers spend Mother's Day disappointed because their children don't acknowledge them. Your mother never had to worry about that, and even now, she is loved. That's tremendous.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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