There's people that were in my life that I've lost directly due to my mental health problems, especially in the last couple of years. I've just got worse and it's been the last couple of years that I started losing grip on reality. I didn't really do anything nasty to anyone but they were affected by my mood and behavior and in the end stopped speaking to me. I stubbornly can't let things go, I've decided I need to contact people to let them know what was really happening when I last knew them (I didn't know) and what's happened since. I'm not expecting them to start being friends with me I'm just after some kind of closure, I don't like the thought of people thinking the wrong thing and I want to fix it.
I'd love to hear anyone's opinion on the matter, I'm fully prepared to be told to leave things alone.
I decided I need to start writing in here more, I think part of me avoided it because I made it public again and was worried about that. Well, tough, who cares who sees it? It has been my place to document everything for years now and I don't want to give up on it, it's probably my longest ever commitment. I've been saying that a while because my commitments arn't really that long, not always because of me either, I can actually commit to things it's just that the things I choose don't last. People mostly.
I miss people. Mum's going to be the only person I see for a while, until I get used to doing things again. I really miss having close friends around, I've lost most of them now and it's hard as hell to make new ones. If I was still in Sheffield I'd stay there as I had a few friends but I never achieved that in Norwich so I'm not moving away from any. Only some potentials and it would be me making the same mistakes all over again if I held onto the idea of those potentials and then nothing came of it. I'm going to do some searching and find new people to add on here to make more use of it. I don't use facebook to find new people, I actually resent that it exists at all but since it does it's only for people I already know. I've been on OKCupid as well to have a look around for people to chat to. On there I looked for people in Preston as well, don't worry I'm not thinking of doing a mad dash up there to live right now but I am thinking of one day going back. It was my home for 4 years, just because the people will have changed it doesn't mean it couldn't be home again. I'd have to have something to do there though or it'd ruin it.
Something to do. I'm going to still try to think of myself as a student, when I'm studying here I really will be and won't be doing a lot different to had Norwich worked out. I need to not feel guilty about not doing anything else. Studying is my priority and I'm lucky to be given a position to be able to do it, so I need to feel okay about it. This is a thing that puts me off from being around people, because of the dreaded question "what do you do?" if I can at least say I'm a student it's okay.
I panicked a lot on Thursday, couldn't breath, fell and landed on my face. I'd been forgetting my medication sometimes and then took too much to make up for it. I think the lack of it made me think taking more was a good idea. It caused huge panic in me though I did also manage to sleep which was lucky as after I fell I didn't want to stand up. Had horrible restless legs in the evening which Mum helped with by telling me to try keeping them still even if every urge was to kick them around. This actually helped and I was able to sleep again that night.
I feel like a massive loser saying this but I decided I can't be alone right now. I don't have another move to a new place in me, I can't deal with looking for somewhere, movers and doing it all in one go and I don't think I'd cope with settling into a new place and a new area because I don't want to interact with anyone outside. So I'm coming home for now. I'm still actually here, I was meant to go back to Norwich Thursday but totally couldn't, I wanted to die that day. I will still have to sort out moving back here, get rid of my furniture but that's easier than having movers move it. Luke wants to stay in the house after I've gone and is willing to pay all the rent. That's fine, I'm glad I'm not being trapped there. I'm going to offer to let him have the furniture there if he deals with it when he leaves.
Been back in Norwich since Tuesday, I had a meeting at the uni but only one of the two people I was meeting could make it. My student advisor is very decisive in thinking doing OU is the best choice for me, unfortunately she's also very decisive about things I don't really agree with. She seems to think it'd be easy for me to be in a job by Christmas, the thought of even trying scares me more than going to Uni did. She was also dead set against me working at night, saying I should have a day job to be more "normal". Good idea in theory but what if you naturally function and feel better at different hours to the norm? I've always preferred being up at night and if I find that easier then why is it wrong?
On that subject I've been thinking about something else... I have never let go of Preston and the Safety Bus. I got in contact with Karl, the bus is still running and he's still driving it. I'm going to keep my ears open for any opportunity to move back there and drive it again. Sounds very drastic I know but I'm not running up there tomorrow just keeping it in mind. I know that I wouldn't have my old life if I moved there, I wouldn't be going out with CJ or living with Ian and Kim or really know anyone anymore but if I liked the town and the job could I make it work? Nowhere else has ever felt like home like Preston did, moving to new places and starting from scratch has never worked I just compared everything to Preston. No job has ever suited me like the Safety Bus did, I know it got me down towards the end but I think I should have taken a break instead of quitting completely. I regretted that decision quite a lot when I was still living there. It's weird, it's not like it's a massive career and I wouldn't want it to me my life forever but I still talk about it with a happy face, I talk about Preston the same way.
I at least know I don't want to stay in Norwich, I'm over moving somewhere new and trying to make it home. I'm very willing to move back home for a while where I'll have all the time I want to try and settle there or really think if I want to move again.
Scary. I spoke to several people at the uni yesterday. My advisor especially thinks I'd be better doing OU for a while as I'm not going to improve quick enough. I think for far too long I've been expecting to change too quickly, it's more realistic to go slower and give myself years rather than weeks or months. One thing I've been thinking about is when I was meant to study in Sheffield in 2007 and I fled home before enrolling. I regretted that a lot and it sunk me into depression. I always felt that leaving Sheffield then was my mistake but now I've tried to go back to Uni again I think the same thing could have happened then had I stayed. I think my real mistake then was doing the wrong thing when I went home, I should have thought of OU then. While making this current decision I've bee afraid of "doing another Sheffield" but if I have a plan this time and can make it work then it should be alright?
I'm nervous, I have to leave for my psychologist appointment soon.
Been looking at OU, I looked at it a lot in the summer when I was considering it. It's a massive upheaval, it means getting rid of most of the furniture I've collected in the last couple of years and I was surprised to hear Mum already mentally planning for it and using it as a reason to have a clearout. Though the only thing I really need room made for is a desk.
Opened some post from yesterday, I finally have a 2nd psychologist appointment I can make.The last one I didn't see the letter in time but couldn't have made it, the one before they left me an answerphone message saying they'd made me an appointment but the letter didn't get sent out. This has come at a great time, it probably won't get very deep being only an early appointment but it's nice to feel some progress.
Okay so my last post was a bit dramatic, I was referring to my current life in Norwich and the Uni. I don't think any of it's going to work. I wish that it could but I'm being realistic, I feel like I'm constantly touching the same hot cake and being surprised when it burns me when I should be thinking of a new strategy. Right now people scare me the most, I don't feel at all comfortable being around people I don't know well and that's everyone in Norwich, I even live with one and I really don't like feeling uncomfortable at home, I so regret moving into this house I regretted it from the day I moved in, I didn't like that last flat but now I'd much rather still be there than here. I feel completely cut off from civilisation, that I can't do what I want or need to here, the ferrets have to live outside, my bedroom is too small and claustrophobic, I have no desk to work at and I have to deal with everything to do with all the house. I barely feel able to cope with my own things let alone other peoples.
So I'm back to considering OU again, running away from people. It sounds like such a negative thing to do but what do you do when you feel like you can't cope with something? Distancing yourself from it seems like the only option, I'd have time to work on it and eventually get more comfortable again I don't feel like throwing myself at what I'm scared of is going to fix it. Last time I felt as bad as this I ended up staying in that house for a few months miserable and terrified, only when I escaped did I started to feel better. This house and Uni isn't the shitty Sheffield house but the feeling feels the same. I constantly feel like I'm having a panic attack, all the time. If I did OU there doesn't seem any point in me living alone in Norwich, I'd have to move home to limit stresses as much as possible. I feel like a massive loser for it and a burden to my Mum but I don't know what else to do, I'm not expecting to be looked after or anything I just don't know what else to do.
Internet security drives me mad sometimes, my facebook account has been blocked for ages when I try to log in it tells me someone correctly answered my security question right and if I acknowledge it was me I'll be able to log in within 24 hours. I've gone back way after 24 hours and it always says this now. Yes I'm locked out for getting my security question right. There's no help for this, anyone tried to contact facebook? They don't even have a contact link on the bottom of the page. They have a help centre full of FAQs of which this isn't one. I got through to a contact form once that got me an auto reply asking for a screencap of the problem, I got what seemed to be another stock reply with a link to a generic log in page. There's a help forum as well that I've posted on, no answer yet. I made another account in the meantime but I want to use my real one, it has photos that exist nowhere else since my phone and laptop were stolen and my UEA email is stuck to it so I can't rejoin the UEA network. So I thought of going back to twitter, only I can't remember the password I used, it's not one of the more obvious ones and to reset it I have to go through my biggest security hate: the barely readable two words you have to reproduce, I hardly ever get the first try right! After getting through that it asked me for my phone number so I phoned my Mum to see if she had old numbers written down from 2009, once she found the one I thought it might be twitter decided I'd tried too many times and told me to wait. Fucking hell.
Why am I watching Big Brother? It really is dreadful now, I only watched the first 3 series, the people in it and the whole style as completely changed since then. I actually watched some episodes of series 2, my favourite series, recently so I'm able to compare it properly. Then because of how my mind works I use it as proof that the past is better than the present, though in 2001 I still pined for the past what does it say about now if I'm pining for 2001? I'm not really pining for it, more pining for the fact that a lot of things had yet to go wrong so it'd be nice to go back and make sure they didn't but also some good things hadn't happened yet so I'd be afraid of those not happening. What I really need to do is find a way to be at least comfortable with the present instead of outright hating it. I haven't felt that relief since the summer of 2006, I've had moments since then but they've been about certain things, like having a girlfriend while the rest of my life is a mess, summer 2006 really was the last time when I felt relaxed in life as a whole. I still got ill though and couldn't believe stress as a cause of my stomach problems, I was happy, there was no reason for it, it went on in a disruptive way for a year, with various camera involved tests! never got resolved - IBS means "we don't know what's wrong and give up" - then just disappeared on it's own which is a good thing but I'd have liked to know what was wrong. I'd actually rather have that back than have the anxiety, I could cope with the stomach aches and nausea at uni, the problem was my jobs were too active and it was really hot that summer.