(no subject)

Its thanksgiving... currently sitting in my living room in all of my Hartford gear. What a stupid school, the stupid choice I made that drew us apart. I am only writing in this because I forgot my journal there. I feel like the girl from a movie I watched last week. Always the substitute, rebound, replacement...... never the original, the treasured, the one sought after all the while..... Just the girl who loved you for 4 years and was used for 6 months. It is so amusing how things work out... You spend so much time waiting, thinking about how things could be... daydreaming about a boy. Then, all of a sudden, unexpectedly, you are in a relationship with him. I guess after all the time spent waiting I could have figured out how to be a good girlfriend. I mean, I don’t think I really did much wrong, maybe I was too attached, maybe I didn't care enough... I will never know. Actually, "You fell in love with me and ruined everything." That pretty much explains it. I will never forget what you said. I wish I could have hidden it. I never said it to you, except that one night you were sleeping and you said it to me first. You were probably thinking about someone else... the girl you are with now… the original one. Its funny how easily some people, like me, will believe a lie. I never thought of myself as gullible, but I also never thought someone would lie about loving me. I knew you felt it all along, I saw it in your eyes that night… but why tell me after it’s over? Why make me hurt more?
I could write a book on "remember when's". Remember when you showed up at my house every day after school without me asking? That time we drove around for what seemed like hours; you showed me your old house and all these places I had never been before. The night you gave me the necklace, you were so excited… you tried to hide it and you put it on me when I wasn’t expecting. The night you hid the rose behind your back and I found it when I hugged you. That time we layed together and talked until 3 a.m. in just our skin. the night of the thunderstorm. the night you brought me to the backyard to look for shooting stars. The morning you layed in my lap and held me so tight I thought something was wrong. The night after graduation you told me you were falling for me.
That night you looked at me that way.....

I could go on forever. It's sad it had to end.
  • Current Music
    breathe taylor swift

(no subject)

I cant get [....] out of my head. 3 weeks ago he never even crossed my mind. I dont want to like him again. There is something about him that makes me crazy in a good way. i feel so overrwhelmed right now. i didnt ever want to feel like this agin. i just cant get himout of my head"

Found that old journal entry. I wrote that before we were together. Before I "fell in love with you and ruined everything."

(no subject)

wow. looking back on the past entry made me laugh. i didnt do any of those things this summer. no more paris next year, no kayaking, no swimming, no quarries. just working and drama.

i have changed a lot this summer, but there are still the same issues that bother me. I am working too much and sleeping too much. i cant wait for school just because it is a change from work. this year for classes i am taking Anatomy and physiology, physchology, sociology, pre college math and topics, enlglish, art, and computers. i think its going to be a very good year.

on the other hand....why would someone so smart settle for someone so stupid? stop searching for happiness. it will find you if you just let it.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

I cant wait for summer. The warm weather we had the other day was such a tease, but it made me feel sooo good. I cant wait to sleep late, have the weekends to myself, go to the beach, go KAYAKING with sasha and felicia, go to maine with andy, climb mount manadnok, go swimming, go back to the quarries, find NEW quarries, and accomplish things.

last summer was amazing, but this summer can only be better.i want to meet new people and find new places and do new things.

i also cant wait for paris next year, i need a break from the united states for a while.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm


i started going to the gym again, i am feeling better every day... about certain things. i met a boy, and things are.... weird. i am making them that way. i dont want to try. i hate persuing people- i wish i was the one being persued for once. ahhhh i dont know. i always do this to myself! :(
  • Current Music

(no subject)

i have been working a lot lately. 5 days in a row this week.

i finally hung out with kristopher. we drifted in a parking lot with the beatles playing as loud as it could go. it was one of the best feelings ever!

i have learned in life that people come and go, but those who stick around through the bad times are going to stick around forever. i hope he is one of those people, because so far he has proved he is.

(no subject)

things may finally be getting back to normal in my life. all i want to do right now is focus on school and work. i cant deal with stress anymore!

i miss kristopher so badly i feel like im going crazy. i need to see him :(