This weekend was very strange indeed. It started out something like this...
Phillip picked me up on Friday for some much needed time away. We went to his house for awhile and didn't do much. We decided to try to go to the Bean or Starbucks... Starbucks was voted against, so the bean it was! Plus he already had a friend up there... so I called Todt Miester and we picked her up. After talking for awhile, it was obvious to me that Phillips friend was gay ( he had just glossed his lips and put on his sweet pea scented bath and body works lotion) Not that it mattered... because I'm totally cool with that. We got to the subject of Panic Attacks... which Phil has been having them a lot lately. I could tell something wasn't quite right with him... because he looked sweaty and unsure of himself. This automatically makes me nervous because I am terrified I won't be able to help him if I need to, and the embarrassment is terrible. Shame on me for being shallow.
Saturday I came home for awhile... took a shower and got my stuff ready to go back to Phil's house. He picked me up and then we called Sarah to hang out. I was not cool with this idea at first, because she has never struck me as friendly and I'm a little intimidated by her. It was a little awkward at first... but then she proved me wrong and actually it was very enjoyable. We went to Japanese resturaunt which I threw a fit about at first because I don't usually like to try new foods... I'm quite picky. Plus I suck at using chop sticks... but I'm trying here. It turned out to be very tasty. We decided to go to the bean again after dinner... and as soon as we got into the study room I saw Morgan, Sarah and Caitlin. Which was really strange too... oh well. It's crazy to think that they were my friends at one point, because overhearing their conversations I found that they definitely hadn't changed at all, and I'm glad I don't associate myself with them. But it did remind me of where I have been and where I am now... which is a little depressing in it's self. We got back to Phillip and cuddled until we fell asleep. I woke up randomly in the middle of the night freaking out... I had this really loud screeching noise in my ears... weird. So I woke Phillip and he eventually got me to chill. Before going back to bed I had this really good conversation with Britt. I love that girl... We talked about how I keep myself busy so much that I am unable to think or let myself think about everything that has happened this past year, because it hurts so badly. And that I will go anywhere to just get away, even if I just want to be alone. I'm scared to be. I'm scared to be at this place that I'm forced to call "home" where I have no place. Anyways... I'm going to be SO devastated when she leaves for New Jersey. We've gotten so close.
I woke up on Sunday morning to Phillip... telling me he was leaving to take Derek to the airport, and asking if I wanted to come. I went back to sleep and soon he was back again... to take me down stairs with him to fall back asleep. ( It's so nice to be so close to someone you care for so much. I seriously love being cuddled so close... it makes me feel like someone actually cares.) I went to his work meeting with him... and ended up walking around the mall by myself before any stores were open. This is when I really started thinking... I was alone. This was the only alone time I've gotten in a long time. It made me upset... but I ignored it and got over it fast. That night I got back to Phillips house. I was hostile and frustrated all day from that. Then he broke what I thought was a promise, but it was a misunderstanding. I almost made the biggest mistake in awhile and was sure I was going to break up with him. I freaked out... and pulled out my hair and cried until my eyes hurt and my face was puffy. And through all of this Phillip was right by my side.. holding my hand. Even when I was screaming at him and acting irrational because I was so hurt. Sitting there with him it dawned on me... that he cares. He loves me and he will be here for me. And that I would be okay. It was such weird timing... but I'm glad it happened in a sense... because I feel so good about us again. All the doubts I had were gone. I'm really going to try... I'm going to try to make the best of things, and not take my frustration out on him. I'm going to find an outlet like Brittany said. And I'm going to be okay. So I figured out from this weird weekend... that the goal of losing weight is just a stupid one, and I need to set goals for myself. Ones like getting a job, and going to school, and driving... and being close with my family and finding my place, and making us (Phillip and I ) work, because it is worth it and he means a lot to me.
Right now I feel happy that I figured some things out... but sad at the same time. I'm here. "home"? The only home that I have right now. Without mom, or Nick or Madison. But this is going to have to be home for awhile... I need to make the space that I have in the back bedroom mine for the time being, and start feeling like I have home again. Because it's been such a long time... I just miss my mom. I always miss my mom. I feel dumb for it because I'm almost 18 years old... I shouldn't need mommy. But I do more than ever, and I never see her and I miss it. A lot.
But I'm still alive... and I'm going to benefit from all of this somehow. And I'm going to be okay. I just need to keep telling myself that...
I don't feel well.
Physically, emotionally... the whole thing.
I hate myself for complaining.
I hate myself for being human.
For being a needy, gross, disaster of a human being.
A waste of flesh.
I don't feel motivated.
I don't feel anything.
I hate feeling this way.
I just wish I could be back to normal.
I just don't see a point to anything anymore.
Everything and everyone ALWAYS leaves in the end.
So what's the point?
What's the use?
I'm lonely... but I prefer to go un noticed.
I just want to be loved.
I want to be needed.
I want to be adored.
I want a reason for being here.
Because living to just live life like a normal person, and for myself is not worth it to me.
It's been such a fucking long time since I've last written in this thing, so I think it's time we meet again. Where to start? I have no idea because things have been CRAZY lately. Seems like there has been a big event to go with each passing month lately. Currently? Phillip and I broke up. Not sure how to take it... but I think it will be a learning experience at the very least. This is part of life. Other than that I have been extremely depressed lately. Well since about March. But it was up until a few weeks ago that things really started to get bad... I have just too much on my plate right now. Literally. I see myself going back to my old ways, which isn't necessaraly a bad thing I guess. I was much, much less dependent on people and quite a loner. It's time to stop, pick up the pieces and see what happens. Much easier said than done, I'm sure of it... it's going to be a hell of a task but it will get done. I'm going to try and start doing things for me. As much as it hurt to let Phillip go, I think this is a much needed change in my life right now. I need to get my shit together. Start building up my relations with other people again. I'm pretty sure this is going to be one of the hardest things I've experienced in my young life, but I feel like I'm finally ready to take it head on. I will be okay. I give myself pep talks daily. I tell myself everyday that I'm going to be okay, and it's starting to work. I'm starting to believe it. Of course their are set backs, and hard days but it will be easier everyday. I just hope things start to get a little less hectic. I need to get healthy. I need to regather my friendships and relationships with family members. I need to get on track. Somedays I feel SO ready, and others I feel like I will never get any of it accomplished. This point of my life is entirely confusing, and very frustrating. I just hope I can eventually be at peace with myself and others. Myself first and fore most, because that hasn't happened in such a very long time. It's safe to say that I hate myself. Entirely. And I know that I cannot have healthy relationships with others until I come to terms with me. I need to realize that things cannot always be perfect, and people are flawed... and that's okay. I need to work on my temper. My self image. I need a lot of work... but I'll just have to keep reminding myself that it's not impossible. And there will be a better version of me with time. And once that happens, I think it will be much easier to rebuild the rest of my life. I just wish I weren't so impatient.
Life the last 6 months:
December- Lost the Canton house, the truck, and the boat. As well as all personal space, and started a new school.
January- Sasha was extremely ill... and had to be put down. I miss her a lot lately. Bryan was over a lot lately, and him and my mom were fighting lots. Very stressful for me.
February- Beez Nonna was extremely sick.
March- Beez Nonna passed away. :-/ Started to get a bit depressed.
April- House is hectic. Sick lots. Bryans dad passes away. Bryan is calling regularly threatening suicide (oh no!). Hah. Mom is rarely around. It sucks... We fight when she is.
May- Papa gets into his motorcycle accident. Is hospitalized for 4 1/2 weeks. Bridget has 2 brain surgery. Phillip and me split up. :-/ Bryan decides to hold the dog hostage? Police intervention.
Just what I can think of right now. I know there was more... it's hard to think about. I didn't face anything while it was happening, and it's been hitting hard lately.
Who knows what June holds? Hopefully something decent... and not dramatic.
On a lighter note; School is almost out. I'm not sure what the summer holds... but hopefully it's good. :]
It kinda sucks right now though, I'm a bit over loaded and pretty fucking stressed out. Not to mention, I've got a hell of a cold. :-/ I passed out in school today. Yippiiee. I don't think anyone really noticed, I was sitting down... so I just put my head down and went with it. I sure as hell was not going to get up for help, and fall on my face... and I certaintly was not going to hollar for the teacher. I woke up sweating and freezing... couldn't hear and a little shaken up. I hate my body sometimes. It's so fucking difficult. I've lost 10lbs without trying. Which I guess isn't a bad thing. Who knows?
I feel like I haven't been living lately. I just try to get through the days. It's not a fun way of doing things... but it isn't so bad either. It's just the aftermath that gets ya. I rarely come back down to earth. But when I do, I feel like the ground underneath me has shattered. So I guess I'll keep my head in the clouds for a little while longer...
I'm watching my whole life fall apart.
And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
But I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
I wish I could be optomistic about things, but I can't...
I'll be moved into my grandma 3 bedroom house with 6 people and 3 dogs.
A new school again. Yay. :-/
I guess that's just the way it goes....
OH, cable and internet will be shut off by tomorrow...
Home for the third day in a row. All because of my stupid episode of passing out on Wednesday? I believe. Which got me a trip to the hospital. Yippiee! NOT. I hate hosiptals and am absolutely petrified. They took my blood away from me, and yes it was as bad as I'd expected. I could feel her shoving the needle into my hand... which is now bruised. They also did and ekg on my heart, and a chest x-ray.. and blood tests, a long with an iv to hydrate me and valium to calm me down, which did no justice. My heart rate was skyrocketing... but they haven't figured out why. The highest it got was 181 and lowest was 71 after they took my blood. After that it varied from 115-145ish.
After all of that excitement, I am extremely happy to be home. No more blood... yay. I had some chest pain last night, and a little bit of lightheadedness.. but I feel okay for the moment. Last night was Phil's 18th Birthday, and our 7 months. Which I'm not allowed to say apparently, because he forgot and doesn't think it's a big deal or should be spoken of? Pfftt. mkay, whatev. "After this, I don't think there should be anymore celebrating.." There has been NO celebrating, idiot. Yes, I did call him an idiot. Sometimes he makes me SO angry. My blood boils. He finally came to see me yesterday, as promised. And is maybe coming over today? Though I'm not sure I want him to if it's such a hassel. This relationship used to be so good, and I've been watching it slowly go downhill. It was bothering me a lot, but not so much anymore.... seeing as I'm the only one who cares. And I no longer do. I don't know anymore.
Tonight I get to stay home alone for a few hours... and then Bryan or Phil will keep an eye on me, I'm not sure which. Because Katrina and Niki are going to the TOOL concert without me, whatev. I do not even have enough energy to really complain about it anymore... nor do I care all that much at the moment and it's not worth getting my heart rate pounding out of control for. I'm sure it'll sink in later.
I'm going to go lay down.
Except for my lovely boyfriend. Whom is the only one who doesn't make me crazy these days.
That's a lie, he does.. but it's okay... he's supposed to.:-P
School has started and I have some hard classes, but nothing is too bad so far.
Public Speaking fucking sucks.. oh well.
And Compostition is boring as all hell.
I'm in a very pleasant mood today... not.
Leaving for daddy's a bit later and the idea doesn't exactly thrill me.
What a waste of weekend.
Last night was nice though.:] I love spending time with Phil.
The only person who pays attention to me anymore.
I miss having friends, and a life.
On a lighter note... I need to stop being so fat.
I hurt where I can't feel.
I feel where I can't hurt.
Today started off alright. I felt a little sick to my stomach this morning.. but it passed. I tried to call my dad to let him know that I am finally home, and that I'd like to see him this weekend.. but of course he didn't answer, nor did he call me back. Later on in the day I went on a frantic search for my savings bonds, which I NEED to cash for school supplies and clothes. Seeing as I currently have 1 pair of jeans and 1 skirt that isn't falling apart... I have yet to find them. Hung out with Phil today, we went to dunkin donuts and he bought me an iced latte.:] It wasn't too awefully long after that- that I started to feel crazy. I can't quite describe it.. and it's a mixture of SO many things, but I spent a good half hour laying in the fetal postition on his futon crying and pulling my hair out.. which is embarrasing to say the very least. I miss Victoria, her mom tells me that she is so drugged from the excessive pain from her surgery, that she is acting very strangly and doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. It makes me really sad to know that she's in such pain.. and I hope she starts to feel better soon. I'm going to try to visit her tomorrow. Recently my anxiety has spun out of control, and I feel really horrible about everything. Mostly I'm scared to leave my house right now, and when I come home from Phil's every night I have this sick feeling in my stomach, and I'm very eager to get inside and make sure that everything is okay. I'm nervous once again for school to start. I'm going to miss spending my days with Phil. Though today I felt like I could just walk away from our relationship.. it really scared the crap out of me... because in reality I know that I am so very attached, and I am very very happy with us... but today that faintly went away, and I could hardly find it in me to kiss him back. Of course it didn't last long.. and it's a good thing too. I'm upset I haven't lost anymore weight.. and I've pretty much lost most of my motivation... if I had any at all. I felt in control today, and I didn't need food.. the little food that I did eat, I got rid of... and I've been drinking coffee for the remainder of the day. It kills me to know that I cannot keep this going, I never do.. it lasts for a day or two.. or maybe even a week or two, and then I'm right back where I was.. only shed about 5lbs.. and on my way to gaining it back. I really fucking hate this cycle. That's all I can get out for now.. there's a lot more I can think of that I can't quite put into words... but when I find it, I'm sure I'll be venting about it.
I am too connected to you.
To slip away, to fade away.
Day's away I still feel you.
Touching me, changing me.
And considerately killing me.
I feel like I cannot breathe.
.. I am over dramatic.
And over tired.
And everything, in my mind, is a wreck.
I'm obnoxious when I'm upset, and I embarrass myself.