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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Monday, August 20th, 2007|
I'm finding myself dipping back down into my depression. I have no energy to do anything. I'm also getting back into old habits. Some days I have to force myself to eat. After a trip to the hospital for low potassium and electrolytes, I'm forcing myself to not purge. My life has crashed around me, and I'm pickinf up the pieces. I dont want to get back to where I was before in life, but it seems I'm headed there, unless I can stop it, which is hard to do. Help me find the strength. Current Mood: depressed
|Saturday, February 24th, 2007|
i'm alive.. just been uberly busy. long update tomorrow.
|Wednesday, December 27th, 2006|
Hope everyone had a good christmas. despite all the trouble i've had lately, i had a somewhat peaceful one for the most part. best one in years actually. now.. if only i can get those people that read this to actually sign up for LJ and stuff.. my friends list is rather bare.. even though my friends tell me they read this.. they're MEAN!
got off track. Happy Holidays! (its too late to say Merry Christmas).. i got a digital camera for christmas.. yaay.. so maybe now i can add a pic or two soon. woot! (yes.. i just woot'ed)
|Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006|
Men are disgusting pigs. They only think of themself and tell every lie they can to get what they want. Yeah.. Jeremy.. your dad came to see me today. He told me you ran off and got married. YOU said you loved me enough to do that with me.. then you changed your mind and said you would NEVER get married again. wtf. do you know how hard its been to get over you? Your dad told me they never liked any of your girlfriends like they do me. Also told me that your mom is still crying because you broke up with me. Why did you have to ruin something so perfect?! Something so perfect to go out and get someone that you barely know and marry? I dont get you or the whole male species. Do you know how much crap I'm going to get from my stepdad now? "I told you so!" he hasnt said it yet but he's already gave me the look. Yeah, and now that you're not living there I can go get my stuff. Your dad said it was okay and he said if you have my tuff with you at your new place he'll come get it. I'm not giving up my relationship with your mom for you. You tore everything away from me. I hope you're happy. You just deepened my depression 10 times worse. Yeah.. I almost burned because of you, but I dont want to do that because YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT.
|Friday, November 3rd, 2006|
Me and Jeremy broke up on Halloween night. Evidently he's come to realize how hard its going to be juggling a relationship and his daughter at the same time. He's trying to get visitation rights of his 4 year old daughter.. and he says he doesnt want to put me in a position to be hurt by that. Because when he first gets his daughter.. the first few weeks he wants it to be just him, her and his family.. which means he wouldnt get to see me for a few weeks. So he'd rather break up with me than hurt me by not seeing me for a few weeks? It doesnt make sense to me. I'm very hurt right now and very depressed. He asked me not to "do something stupid" because he said nobody is worth that. His mom had given me a ring of hers and I called her the next day and asked if she wanted it back.. can you believe she still considers me "her daughter" and so does his dad. She even invited me to keep calling her and coming to spend the night. She says he really didnt want to and hopes that after things settle, we can pick right back up. But why would I hurt myself like that "after things settle" and I have time to start picking my life back up? I'm so confused.. I dont know what to do, feel, or even think. Its all so sudden. I was willing to give up my dream of someday getting married and having my own kid.. I was willing to give that up for him...I shouldnt have to but I loved this boy that much. Now I'm left alone.. gah! If things were bad, then I wouldnt be so surprised.. but they werent.. they were perfect.. he even said so two days before he broke it off.. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING
|Sunday, August 20th, 2006|
Okay, so me and Jeremy (my bf) seem to be okay for now. We're not sure when/if they are moving, it all depends on if they can afford the appartments. I spent the day with him Thursday, came home, then stayed the night Friday night. I was supposed to stay until Sunday but mom needed me home. He hadnt called back yet, but I'm guessing he fell asleep. We had some awkward moments last night. He didnt know I was coming, and so he was surprised, it was just awkward at first. I hadnt surprised him before, but I found out he liked it. After out scare (we thought I was pregnant) things are fine now, since we dont have that stress. I am alittle stressed still about the whole situation with his daughter and such, but a friend made me realize that I'm trying to push things too fast, and not even knowing it. So now I have to work on that. My life lately has been consumed by work and Jeremy. I finally got to take a picture with him, but I need to get that developed. I'm also thinking of joining myspace.. but I'm not sure. Some friends say they like it, some totally hate it so I'm on the edge. Okay.. time for sleep. We woke up at 9:30 this morning, and not going to bed until 12 or 1, I'm exhausted. Normally I'd be okay but being home tires me now. *Sigh* I've gotten it bad, unfortunately. I just know I'm going to get my heart broken again, but at least I'm trying right?
|Tuesday, August 1st, 2006|
Wow.. I cant believe its August already. I'm finding the time passing so fast. I've finally become happy. I've been dating this guy Jeremy for 3 months now, and we've been great. Until lately. I found out that he might be moving. Which really sucks because I've fallen hard for this guy. He's the only one that I've thought about in awhile that I could see myself with for a long time. So I've been trying to spend as much time as possible with him. I hope he doesnt end up moving because my heart will be shattered, just when its finally become whole again.
|Wednesday, June 28th, 2006|
For the first time since January, i have a smile on my face that I havent had to fake! update later with details
|Thursday, May 18th, 2006|
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. My friends, my family, my exes, just my whole life in general.
I feel so alone. my parents don't get along anymore, me and my sister don't even get along. I only get along with my mom.. and not my stepfather. I miss my friends. The main one being Erich, who just became my ex. I can't shake him. I still love him, and want that friendship back. He left me at the worst time, he took away my whole support system. We talk every now and then, he says he wants to be friends again. Thing is, that I do too, I want that more than anything, but its too hard to be friends with him again. I long for the words he used to say. As friends we used to kinda flirt around, just being silly, and now we cant. When I do things like *sit in your lap* and such, just innocent things we used to do, he gets mad/sad and stops talking to me for awhile. How am I supposed to go back? I love this man and I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else this much. I still cry every night over him, even though we broke up in January. He's hundreds of miles away now, and I was supposed to make that move. Valentine's day was the day I was moving. I had quit my job and everything for this man, just so we could be together once again. But he broke up with me because I cut. I needed him. He knew the things I went through with my ex before him, and he knew that it would be a little harder for me than it would be for any other girl. He stuck with me through the hard times, and then just when I got to where I could move to be with him again, he broke it off. Now he's going for a friend of mine, trying to get with her, even though she's here too. Did he really love me? Its so hard. Its TOO hard. I'm so depressed now, and I need a job. I have let men destroy me. My ex, him, even a guy I *thought* was a friend.. a friend of a friend you could say. I let him use me, but I was blind and thought it was different until I found out he was using me *and* my friend to cheat on his now ex girlfriend. I believed that guy when he said he wanted more and that I was the only one. I shook him because I knew it wouldn't have worked. Man, I sound obsessed. And this thing is just way too long!I needed a place to ramble. Right now I don't even know who I am anymore.I guess I should shower.. and go out and try to do something productive.. before this depression sinks in even more today. *sigh*
|Tuesday, May 9th, 2006|
lol so.. i thought i'd write a little, i actually have time and feel pretty good enough to do it. seems i have a little "Stalker" this guy from hs i know that i havent seen in years fgot my # and now he calls 20 times a day.. its horrible. and my ex is currently rethinking his decision of our breakup, but only because he just joined some army reserves thing and is getting ready to leave for 5 months. totally not fair, how can he do that? try to get back with me then say "oh and i'm going to be leaving for 5 months, but i still love you" BLAH.. i'm determined to not let it ruin my day. today is my friends birthday, and so we're trying to decide what to do.. hmm..
|Friday, April 7th, 2006|
Well, today is my 23rd birthday. I woke up to an email from him saying he wanted to be friends and wishing me a happy birthday. Well, after several email exchanges, i still dont know if i can believe it. It seems a bit off that he'd want to be friends and only tell me today, the day of my birthday. Maybe he's heard that I've been down lately? Or maybe he is sincere? I'm not sure. I dont know what to believe. I miss him much more than he knows, and I need to have time to heal myself. Just being without him hurts so bad. Somehow I've managed to not cry myself to sleep this past weekm which is an improvement I guess. I need to get out of this house and do something, especially tonight. Guess I'll call up and see what everyone's doing.
|Monday, March 6th, 2006|
well well, where to start. depressed. lonely. blah! after me and my bf breaking up, mom seems to hate me. she told me i should have started a life with him when he wanted me, because then i wouldnt be here and her life would be so much easier to deal with. what crap is that? i'm not even wanted by my own mother. sometimes living just feels so terrible. i dont understand myself and my depression. i have so many things to be happy about, but still, all the bad overshadows the good. i need to get out of this somehow.. so i can be happy.. grrrr Current Mood: frustrated
|Monday, January 30th, 2006|
Erich and I are no longer together. He broke up with me today. After a year and a half (on and off). I don't know if we'll have another chance. I'm not sure that I want to, at least not right now. I really do love this man. I've known him for 6 years, and 5 of those years I've secretly loved him. He was my life. My friend pointed out that I'm emotionally unstable. I guess I am, but I can thank my parents, especially my stepfather, for that. I feel that if he wanted to dump me over something so stupid then he doesnt deserve me anyway. I feel good about it right now, but it hasnt actually sunk in yet. Only time will tell. Current Mood: artistic
|Sunday, January 1st, 2006|
everyone i know has resolutions.. i have no idea why i should. all the ones i've had before.. i never stuck too. so right now the only one i'm going to have is to eat healthier (lets see how long that lasts).. no soda except diet and tea (shouldnt be too hard, thats all i drink mostly, and try to be happier this year. its only the first day of the year and its already starting off BLAH! i'm depressed, tired, stressed, grumpy.. and have been those all day. for those that read my other journal.. things have gotten better.. but not much. now i have a deadline of valentines day! VALENTINES DAY! can i get my screwed up life on track by then? i have to try Current Mood: BLAH!!
|Friday, December 2nd, 2005|
I'm so lonely. I've got to be the biggest loner ever. I'm sitting here crying and I know its stupid. all of my friends.. i pushed them away. and the one i didnt isnt really my friend anymore. she never talks to me unless she wants something or unless nobody else is around. whats the point of this life? it sucks.
|Tuesday, November 29th, 2005|
okay, i seriously think I gained 10 pounds from thanksgiving. lol i'm kidding.. it seemed like i ate alot.. but it seems i've lost 3 pounds. i've been rather depressed lately.. cant really pinpoint why. been really busy lately.. tooo busy actually. got some christmas shopping done today.. and ging to finish the rest up this weekend i hope. .. so tired.. i think i need a nap *frown* Current Mood: depressed
|Friday, October 14th, 2005|
Okay, so I've been neglecting this thing lately. Not enough hours in the day. I believe I'm coming down with pneumonia again. I had "walking pneumonia" earlier this year and since then my immune system has been non-existant. Now, I'm getting the symptoms all over again. I havent been able to keep any food down in 3 days. But I'm stubborn, and I hate doctors. Going to catch some sleep now. Its early for me but I'm so tired because I've been sick
|Friday, September 2nd, 2005|
Okay so Erich (my bf) is on vacation in Atlanta, GA. right now. He went on Thursday and wont be coming home until Wednesday. I'm kinda worried about him because of all the recent weather. But he took his laptop so we talk when he's not busy, he sends me txts and calls me before bed. Today he went on a Segway tour of Atlanta and a tour of CNN Studios (click the links for info!) He told me that at the CNN studios store he got me a beaded keychain with my name on it and a set of shotglasses. (He remembered that I collect keychains and shotglasses.. I'm a dork huh?) Sometime before he leaves he is doing a Coca-Cola tour (again click for info!).. If he likes it in Atlanta he wants us to move there someday. Thats all for tonight I guess.
P.S. If the links dont work for you let me know. I got them out of my email that he sent for his itinerarym, so they might just work for me. In that case I'll have to go and change them to ones that do work. Thanks
|Monday, August 29th, 2005|
short entry.. will write more later...
Nov. 11, Cleveland Ohio.. HIM concert.. YES!!! cant wait!