On my birthday, I will probably do nothing. I haven't any money to go out with close friends, and I haven't any close friends to begin with. I'll probably stay home and watch TV. And it will be OK. My birthday stopped being an event years ago. But I wish, at the very least, that while watching TV or surfing the internet on that day I would at least feel a sort of peace rest over me. But I know that the 29th will be like every other day before it, or after it - the same throbbing ache, the same wish that I didn't exist. Perhaps the only peace I can really achieve is a peace in feeling what I'm feeling and being ok enough not to kill myself for a few more years.
Sorry this is so morbid. Livejournal was always a good place for this sort of thing.