April 21st, 2012

lord byron

(no subject)

As my 23rd birthday approaches I can't help feeling sad about it - not in a throw-myself-off-a-bridge-oh-god-i'm-old kind of way, but in a small, quiet sort of way that's more about the fact that when I was 16, or 17, or even 18 I thought that by now, surely, I wouldn't be as depressed as I was then. It's kind of exhausting and a little annoying to think that while I've made progress as a student, professionally, etc - this one problem has followed me throughout these years and will probably never go away. 

On my birthday, I will probably do nothing. I haven't any money to go out with close friends, and I haven't any close friends to begin with. I'll probably stay home and watch TV. And it will be OK. My birthday stopped being an event years ago. But I wish, at the very least, that while watching TV or surfing the internet on that day I would at least feel a sort of peace rest over me. But I know that the 29th will be like every other day before it, or after it - the same throbbing ache, the same wish that I didn't exist. Perhaps the only peace I can really achieve is a peace in feeling what I'm feeling and being ok enough not to kill myself for a few more years. 

Sorry this is so morbid. Livejournal was always a good place for this sort of thing.