Different from the Last.

It's been over six months since I last updated this journal.
Six months ago I had nothing but pleasant things to say. Now I have nothing but negative things to talk about. I had been fucked over in the past but none has hurt as bad as this one. I've been lied to before but never felt the sting of pain and my stomach drop the way it has the past few days. When you waste 7 months on something you thought would last forever only to find that it was wasted time and you came out of it feeling worse than you ever have. I can't bear to hear his voice or see his face. I was overcome with a feeling of nausea when I had heard the truth.
Friends don't lie.
Boyfriends do.
People think that by not telling you the whole story they're keeping you safe. That’s completely false. I'm not going to explain the story I refuse to be childish and say mean things to or about him anymore.
I just wish he knew how much this has hurt me.
Damaged me.
I don't know if I’ll ever recover from something this traumatic. I doubt it right now.
I would have taken his name. I would have carried his children. I would have done anything for him. I regret ever meeting him. Ever saying he was hot. Ever looking at him because look where its got me now. Walking through crowded hallways at school, ignoring friendly hellos, head down, tears streaming down my face.
But isn't this what high school is all about? Heartbreak, lies, pain?

I will forget about him, move on.
I don't know how long it will take but I do know that if I try hard enough I can erase time wasted. I can make up for the mistakes I have made. I will never be pure again but I will get as close to it as possible.
I am a phoenix. I will rise again. I will be strong reborn beautiful.

For those that used to care.

I would like to announce that I have finally found the love of my life. He treats me better than anyone I have ever encountered in my life. He sings me songs and writes me cute notes. V-day was yesterday and we celebrated together. He recorded a song for me in the studio, bought me roses, and wrote me the most beautiful card I've ever written. He's absolutly amazing. Go look at my myspace if you'd like to see his pretty face. I love you all Goodnight

(no subject)

This life is just an excuse for people to look like assholes. So today with the free time I had on my hands I thought. I thought about my life and where the hell I'm going. Who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. Right now I have nothing. After high school where will I be? What the hell will I do? Who will I be with? I need to clean up my act and get my shit together. I gotta stop worrying about all the chaos around me and start focusing on myself. I'm failing school and have resorted to blaming it on my parents divorce. I have to be strong and get over it. I have to let go of Florida and the people there. I have to be the mature person I know I can be. Another thing I relized is that I'm head over heels in love with Thomas LaMarche. We went out for awhile but since the last time I commited I was fucked over and I was scared so I ended it. After talking to him and being with him I discovered that he's not going to hurt me and that he's a genuine guy. So yeah, I'm in love with him... be it petty or childish I am in love. I'm sick of taking everyday as it comes. I need a plan. So here it is.... I'm going to pass highschool. In feb. I'm starting photo&ceramics at Moore College and then i'm going to graduate and get out of this town. Where everyone is rich and materialistic. Where everyones Egos are bigger than their brains and where being popular is the only thing that matters. If people choose not to like me for wanting to suceed then that's thier own problem. I have no need for anyone's imput on my plan. I want to take pictures. I want to enjoy something for the first time in my life. I want to get my hands dirty in clay. I want to make beautiful things that make others think. Things that make people smile or cry. I want things that spark the lust we all hold inside the romantic selves we all are. I want to change someone or to change something. I don't want to be a nobody who does nothing. My goal in life isnt to discover time travel or to be a genius it's simple I just want to do something. More than others do. I want to love, live, and let go. I want to travel the world and study every eccentric thing I possibly can, Film, Photo, Poetry, Rocks whatever. I want to love and be loved by another. I think that having a perfect love story to tell when I'm wrinkled and old is the best thing you can acchive. To be able to tell your childern and grandchildren about a man, or woman that you've shared you darkest secrets with and spent your best times with. I am determined to do that. To live, work, and love. To enjoy myself and the ones around me. I know that this was a big jumble of words that no one will actually read and I'm fine with that. I felt it nessecary to blab about nonsense for a while and I think I've accomplished that. So adu adu
goodmorning, goodevening, goodnight.
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(no subject)

MY BIRTHDAY IS ON MONDAY.
I'M GOING TO SARASOTA IN LIKE A WEEK.
HANGOUT EVERYONE.
OH. I BOUGHT AN EXPLORER.
COME DRIVE MY CAR.
I'M AWESOME.
I MISS FLORIDA.
BECAUSE IT'S COLD HERE.
AND THE SCHOOL HAS HOT GUYS.
YEAH, CALL ME 941- 321- 5235
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

(no subject)

Thanks to the criticism of A few people who will remain nameless from Sarasota. I have decided that I am going to start over with my life. My name will still be Gabby. My physical appearance will still be shitty. I'll still be turning 16.

BUT my attitude towards everything from this point on will be completely different.

I have decided that I no longer want myself to be known as the bitch of the group who everyone hates but no one wants to confront her about her horrible attitude.

Up until now I have basically thought that everyone's world should revolve around me. I realize now that it's stupid.

I am not a tough girl.

I don't like making fun of people.

Starting drama and talking shit. It's a complete waste of time. And As I see it my life has been a whirlwind of nasty talk, fighting, & complete DRAMA!

I will no longer Aim to be someone else who is liked because of what they wear and what smart-ass comments they're able to make. I want friends, Lots of them. I like people. The truth is I have; up until this moment I have had no guts and have been looking forward to trying to be someone I’m not just because everyone else likes it.

I used to listen to Good Charlotte. I used to be obsessed with N'sync, Back street boys, and yes, Britney Spears. I can't stand music that you can't get the words out of because it's all people screaming. I do like meeting people. Ugly, fat, skinny, tall, short. I was a complete and utter bitch to EVERYONE I got close to. I'm changing. I'm growing up.

And now I want every single person that I've ever hurt in my life to know that I am extremely sorry.

I'm sorry for calling you names behind your back, for being rude, obnoxious, childish, and whatever else I've done to offend any of you.

I regret any rumors I spread about anyone. I understand that some things that I said or did a simple "sorry" will not erase.

I want people from Sarasota to still talk to me.

I want you all to still be my friends.

I'm going out on a limb here.

If you accept my apology please comment telling me so.

I really don't want anyone to regret ever seeing/talking to me. I'm pretty sure that would ruin my life.

So again I'm starting over & I am sorry.

Love,

Gabby
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