I’m sitting in the middle of my apartment with Logan in my lap and there’s like 50 people just walking around us, laughing and talking together in some big horde. I’m “comfort rocking” with my eyes closed, holding him close. When I open my eyes, there’s tears in them. The crowd parts and I look up and there’s his father, coming at me with his arms outstretched to receive Logan. I turn away and hold him closer.
“It’s time.”
“No, it can’t be. It’s not time, yet.”
By now, there’s tears streaming down my face and I’m completely sobbing. I stand up and start pushing through the crowd, but every time, his father is right behind me. I’m trapped.
“C’mon Mandy, don’t make this so hard.”
I looked at him blankly. Hard? HAH. As if he knows the meaning of the word. I give Logan a few kisses, hug him tight and he’s taken from me.
I watch as everyone in the crowd slowly leaves after him… and I’m laying in the middle of the floor, crying.

I go to visit him at his fathers house. I’m tickling him and laughing with him. Gosh, he’s grown so big. I feed him a bottle and he gives me this blank look, and looks as if he wants to say something but of course, he can’t talk.

I’m visiting again, he looks to be about three years old. We’re sitting in his room playing with blocks. They’ve got the ABC’s on them and I start saying what they are to him as if to teach him. But instead, he tells me what they are… and I sit back in shock. He gives me this blank expression and looks like he wants to say something but a small truck catches his attention and he scoots off to drive it around.

I’m visiting again. He’s about 10 and his room looks so grown up now. I’m talking to him in his room but I’m not so sure what to say. We play a game of monopoly and I let him win. After the game, he quietly puts the pieces away and looks at me with this blank look, opens his mouth to speak but quickly shuts it.

I’m visiting again. He’s all grown up. So handsome. I’m watching him go about his room, cleaning things… but we’re not doing anything. We’re not talking. He’s not even looking at me. He’s putting things away, oblivious to me. I keep looking around his room, seeing pictures of him and his dad, of Logan’s friends, of the life it doesn’t seem I’m much a part of. He turns around and sees me. He gives this blank look and says,
“I don’t know you.”

I’m back in my apartment and every image of my son is spinning before me, or I’m spinning. I don’t know. Every image of those blank looks and those words over and over. Through my head. Spinning, spinning.

And then, I wake up… bawling.

Is it any wonder why I don’t fucking sleep?
  • Current Music

That's What You Get For Falling Again...

"I'm not the sort of person to fall in and quickly out of love, but to you I gave my affection right from the start."

I'm not sleeping well.
I'm not eating well.
I'm not doing well.
I'm not well.

I guess I only feel like writing in here when I'm upset, depressed or completely falling apart. I don't know...

I hate loving you.
I hate not being loved back.
I hate love.

"One of you has to fall... and I need you."
  • Current Music
    Joan Armatrading - The Weakness In Me


"When all your love is gone who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world."

I just don't have anything to write about anymore...
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


You'll always look over your shoulder, every second of the day. You'll always worry about whether or not it will happen. You'll always wonder if you should even leave the room, or turn your back for a second.
You never know what could happen in seconds, right?
I may have a paranoia problem, I think.
But I can't shake the feeling now that he'll be taken away.
And that I'll never get him back...
  • Current Mood
    scared scared


"Close my eyes when it gets too sad."
"I think thoughts that I know are bad."
"Close my eyes and I count to ten."
"Hope it's over when I open them."

You never dream it'll ever get this bad.
You can't imagine life actually getting WORSE.
And you can't accept that the world fucked you over, again.
But it has. It did. And it does.

"I just don't understand how you can smile"
"With all those tears in your eyes."
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


It's not your childhood dream, you know.
It's not like we ask for this...
Roll with the punches?
Fuck you.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky

(no subject)

"Nothing lasts forever."
"And we both know hearts can change."

I never made the promises with the intention of breaking them.
I made them with my heart.
Maybe it was just because it was broken,
that the promises were too...

"Everybody needs some time on their own."
"Everybody needs some time all alone."
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


I spent the morning digging through everything I have in search of pennies. I'd found enough in couch cushions, purses and dressers to account for almost two rolls. And after all this exertion, I figured I deserved something for myself for all the effort. So I went for a walk, keeping my head down and making sure I didn't miss a spot. I only needed 2 pennies per roll by the time I got to Tim Hortons. 2 measly pennies. So, I jipped them, of course. How many times have I tipped them for shitty service? So, it's justifiable. In my mind, anyways.
I've never had a better coffee in my life. I couldn't put it down... I let it rest right under my nose, maybe trying to imprint the smell of it in my head forever.
I've almost completely given up smoking.
It makes me cry. The addiction for one reason, it's tearing my insides apart not having that drag.
But also, because it's my absolute favorite thing to do.
I don't know how I'll cope.
I remember standing still in the store downstairs, eyeing the row of cigarette cartons and packs behind the counter. I may have drooled, too. But instead, I spent my last bill on a box of crackers and a loaf of bread. I've still got peanut butter in my almost-empty cupboards, so maybe it's not so bad. But what I would have given to be able to go back right now, and get a pack of cigarettes instead.
Right now, it seems like going insane is worse than going hungry.
Besides, I have a spoon. Eventually the peanut butter comes down from the roof of your mouth.
  • Current Mood
    morose morose