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No One Ever Asks For It To Be This Way...'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
No One Ever Asks For It To Be This Way...

[ website | DEFiLED ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

meh [09 Mar 2003|03:21am]
[ mood | drained ]

I feel like the fun in life has ended...

DiE: 6 Lost Souls - Take Me With You!.

Nightmare... [18 Feb 2003|06:29am]
[ mood | discontent ]

I’m sitting in the middle of my apartment with Logan in my lap and there’s like 50 people just walking around us, laughing and talking together in some big horde. I’m “comfort rocking” with my eyes closed, holding him close. When I open my eyes, there’s tears in them. The crowd parts and I look up and there’s his father, coming at me with his arms outstretched to receive Logan. I turn away and hold him closer.
“It’s time.”
“No, it can’t be. It’s not time, yet.”
By now, there’s tears streaming down my face and I’m completely sobbing. I stand up and start pushing through the crowd, but every time, his father is right behind me. I’m trapped.
“C’mon Mandy, don’t make this so hard.”
I looked at him blankly. Hard? HAH. As if he knows the meaning of the word. I give Logan a few kisses, hug him tight and he’s taken from me.
I watch as everyone in the crowd slowly leaves after him… and I’m laying in the middle of the floor, crying.

I go to visit him at his fathers house. I’m tickling him and laughing with him. Gosh, he’s grown so big. I feed him a bottle and he gives me this blank look, and looks as if he wants to say something but of course, he can’t talk.

I’m visiting again, he looks to be about three years old. We’re sitting in his room playing with blocks. They’ve got the ABC’s on them and I start saying what they are to him as if to teach him. But instead, he tells me what they are… and I sit back in shock. He gives me this blank expression and looks like he wants to say something but a small truck catches his attention and he scoots off to drive it around.

I’m visiting again. He’s about 10 and his room looks so grown up now. I’m talking to him in his room but I’m not so sure what to say. We play a game of monopoly and I let him win. After the game, he quietly puts the pieces away and looks at me with this blank look, opens his mouth to speak but quickly shuts it.

I’m visiting again. He’s all grown up. So handsome. I’m watching him go about his room, cleaning things… but we’re not doing anything. We’re not talking. He’s not even looking at me. He’s putting things away, oblivious to me. I keep looking around his room, seeing pictures of him and his dad, of Logan’s friends, of the life it doesn’t seem I’m much a part of. He turns around and sees me. He gives this blank look and says,
“I don’t know you.”

I’m back in my apartment and every image of my son is spinning before me, or I’m spinning. I don’t know. Every image of those blank looks and those words over and over. Through my head. Spinning, spinning.

And then, I wake up… bawling.

Is it any wonder why I don’t fucking sleep?

DiE: 3 Lost Souls - Take Me With You!.

That's What You Get For Falling Again... [17 Feb 2003|06:56am]
[ mood | crushed ]

"I'm not the sort of person to fall in and quickly out of love, but to you I gave my affection right from the start."

I'm not sleeping well.
I'm not eating well.
I'm not doing well.
I'm not well.

I guess I only feel like writing in here when I'm upset, depressed or completely falling apart. I don't know...

I hate loving you.
I hate not being loved back.
I hate love.

"One of you has to fall... and I need you."

DiE: 2 Lost Souls - Take Me With You!.

*sigh* [17 Jan 2003|05:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

"When all your love is gone who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world."

I just don't have anything to write about anymore...

DiE: 1 Lost Soul - Take Me With You!.

Hmm [26 Dec 2002|09:35pm]
[ mood | scared ]

You'll always look over your shoulder, every second of the day. You'll always worry about whether or not it will happen. You'll always wonder if you should even leave the room, or turn your back for a second.
You never know what could happen in seconds, right?
I may have a paranoia problem, I think.
But I can't shake the feeling now that he'll be taken away.
And that I'll never get him back...

DiE: 1 Lost Soul - Take Me With You!.

Decide! Decide! [23 Dec 2002|09:33pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

To live, and always look back.
To die, and never know.

DiE: Take Me With You!.

;_; [19 Dec 2002|07:39pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Close my eyes when it gets too sad."
"I think thoughts that I know are bad."
"Close my eyes and I count to ten."
"Hope it's over when I open them."

You never dream it'll ever get this bad.
You can't imagine life actually getting WORSE.
And you can't accept that the world fucked you over, again.
But it has. It did. And it does.

"I just don't understand how you can smile"
"With all those tears in your eyes."

DiE: 1 Lost Soul - Take Me With You!.

Ugh. [18 Dec 2002|02:44pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

It's not your childhood dream, you know.
It's not like we ask for this...
Roll with the punches?
Fuck you.

DiE: Take Me With You!.

[17 Dec 2002|10:39pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Nothing lasts forever."
"And we both know hearts can change."

I never made the promises with the intention of breaking them.
I made them with my heart.
Maybe it was just because it was broken,
that the promises were too...

"Everybody needs some time on their own."
"Everybody needs some time all alone."

DiE: Take Me With You!.

Hobo-In-Training. [17 Dec 2002|04:48pm]
[ mood | morose ]

I spent the morning digging through everything I have in search of pennies. I'd found enough in couch cushions, purses and dressers to account for almost two rolls. And after all this exertion, I figured I deserved something for myself for all the effort. So I went for a walk, keeping my head down and making sure I didn't miss a spot. I only needed 2 pennies per roll by the time I got to Tim Hortons. 2 measly pennies. So, I jipped them, of course. How many times have I tipped them for shitty service? So, it's justifiable. In my mind, anyways.
I've never had a better coffee in my life. I couldn't put it down... I let it rest right under my nose, maybe trying to imprint the smell of it in my head forever.
I've almost completely given up smoking.
It makes me cry. The addiction for one reason, it's tearing my insides apart not having that drag.
But also, because it's my absolute favorite thing to do.
I don't know how I'll cope.
I remember standing still in the store downstairs, eyeing the row of cigarette cartons and packs behind the counter. I may have drooled, too. But instead, I spent my last bill on a box of crackers and a loaf of bread. I've still got peanut butter in my almost-empty cupboards, so maybe it's not so bad. But what I would have given to be able to go back right now, and get a pack of cigarettes instead.
Right now, it seems like going insane is worse than going hungry.
Besides, I have a spoon. Eventually the peanut butter comes down from the roof of your mouth.

DiE: Take Me With You!.

Hmpft. [17 Dec 2002|04:10pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I'm getting sick of everyone asking,
Is there something wrong?
Wouldn't you be?

DiE: Take Me With You!.

A Dream... [17 Dec 2002|12:06pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I was sitting on a park bench in a beautiful green setting, alone. I lounged watching the passer-bys as they floated on air, smoking my cigarette and blowing it at them, getting scornful faces back in return before they all keeled over. Their bodies strewn before me in heaps, their screams, silent.
I looked down at my wrists to see three inch slits across them and blood puddling over onto my favorite jeans. I remember thinking that it would be a tragedy if the blood wouldn't come out of them. I took my lit cigarette and ran it across the open cuts, and it closed them. I took my last drag of the smoke before putting it out, and as I leaned back, with my arms spread eagle on the top of the bench, I blew out thick, red smoke and closed my eyes.
"Ahh, this is life."

DiE: Take Me With You!.

[16 Dec 2002|11:28pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I don't want you to feel bad.
I don't care if you hate it.
I don't want you to need me.
I don't care if you're sorry.
I don't want you to hug me.
Just hold my hands when I cry...

DiE: Take Me With You!.

You. [16 Dec 2002|08:41pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

"I may not be the one you had chosen."
"And you're not the one I would claim."
"But sometimes life deals us a hand."
"And we play it to stay in the game."
--Joyce Jackson - A Time For Roses

You're not my dream come true. You're really nothing special. You're not what I would have wanted. But I'll keep you around because sometimes, you keep me company; witless conversation is better than listening to my own thoughts. Sometimes you make me smile, even if it's because inside, I'm laughing at your stupidity. Sometimes you take out my garbage, or bring me a coffee...mainly because you can't think of something better to do for me.
So, you're not worthless.
You're just not worth much...

And I call the kettle black.

DiE: Take Me With You!.

Waiting... [16 Dec 2002|05:31pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Damn her for believing.
Damn him for not showing.

She got there early, with her niece in-tow.
Oh god, the excitement!
She sat down in an empty seat, smiling at her niece who rambled on like a parrot beside her. Anything seemed cute at this moment.
He was coming home... and he'd asked her to be there.
So, here she was - All prettied up, tapping her feet to the cold, stone floor in anticipation and nervousness, her hands clasped together in her lap.
"Auntie, when's your friend going to be here?"
"He'll be here soon." she said.
She sat calmly in her chair, occasionally toying with the lip of her shirt or brushing off her jeans, trying not to pay attention to ticking of the clock above.
"Auntie, why's it so loud in here?"
"I don't know." she replied.
Her niece began squirming on her seat, getting anxious. Still, she sat there on the edge of her seat, expectantly waiting for him to walk through the door at any moment and come rushing to meet her.
She stared out onto the street, her niece skipping about in front of her, althought she wasn't paying much attention. Her niece repeatedly asking,
"Auntie, is he comin' yet?"
"Soon," she replied staunchly.
"Soon," she replied, worried.
"Soon," she replied in a voice that made her heart ache and her chest hurt so badly she couldn't catch her breath.
"Auntie, why are you crying?"

DiE: Take Me With You!.

Don't Cry... [16 Dec 2002|12:18pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

"You've gotta make it your own way"
"But you'll be alright now, sugar."
"You'll feel better tomorrow..."

It makes you just want to sleep, for all the sweet tomorrows. So that you can sleep through them, too. Because it just doesn't matter anymore. You try to detach yourself from every little thing you love, from every little thing that brings you pleasure... because you know you're leaving it behind. It's better not to love it, than to look back on it forever.
And you know you'll take those pills, keep them close to your heart. Because one day you'll wake up and hate yourself, for everything you did... and everything you didn't do. You'll hate yourself because there's always a 'chance'... but you couldn't deal. And those pills will be your way out.
Because the pain in your heart won't die, and you know, even as hard as you try, you'll always look back -- and wonder.

"Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye"

DiE: Take Me With You!.

Dead... [13 Dec 2002|02:01pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

You know, we wait our whole lives for... something. And when that little thing comes, our lives are changed forever. We revolve our every minute around them, because they're more then our world. They're our everything. What happens when that little thing is taken away? What happens when your world comes crashing down?
What's the point of hoping, dreaming, wishing? When life finally seems a bit stable and you're standing on your feet... you just don't imagine that the you'll end up on your ass again. You naively think that from here on, everything will somehow turn out okay... only to find out that you're wrong and have that rug pulled from beneath you. To have everything you thought you knew, seem like just another falsehood. To have the most important sort of bond, destroyed. There is no coming up from this. There is no bouncing back. There is no end to THIS pain.
It's not the same as it was then...
It's different, because you've loved and may lose.
It's different, because when once your world revolved around you... now it revolves around his every smile, laugh, and breath.
It revolves around his every waking moment, that you're supposed to share with him... that you should be able to be there for. What happens when you lose that?
Nothing. Because when that time is over, so is your life.
And you can't say anything, do anything that will make it better.
There is no comfort.
No words will ever touch that place where my heart is dying...

DiE: 1 Lost Soul - Take Me With You!.

And... [11 Dec 2002|07:41pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

The world is a dank, dark place
And we just sit here
And hope it fades
Because they just want to bring you down
When you're ready to start trying
They just want to make you cry
When finally you're smiling

And THEY can kiss my ass
Because I'm done bleeding for them...

DiE: Take Me With You!.

It's always about me, isn't it? [02 Dec 2002|03:37am]
[ mood | blah ]

I am: not good enough.
I think: about the bad times.
I know: nothing.
I want: something out of here.
I wish: someone would make me FEEL beautiful.
I miss: you.
I fear: everything.
I regret: the silences.
I ache: when you shut me out.
I should: really get a life.

DiE: 1 Lost Soul - Take Me With You!.

Another Round. [25 Nov 2002|01:27am]
[ mood | discontent ]

You can't help looking back over time
And wondering where the fuck everything went wrong.
What made you make all those mistakes.
What happened to that cheerful little girl.
And what turned her into a drab old hag.
Like some third-rate boy-band obsession.
And it's fucking pointless.
To sit. To wonder. To believe.
When you've nothing left to hope for.
Another walk back in the direction you came.
Only to end up walking in god forsaken circles.
Dancing around yourself.
Making yourself dizzy for another round.
Keep your dreams where they belong.
In your head, while you sleep.
Because they'll never amount to anything
But more wishful thinking.

DiE: Take Me With You!.

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