Tags: desperation


(no subject)

OMG. Does it ever end? I certainly wasn't expecting so much emotional baggage when Jon and I got together. I've always known that his home life isn't the greatest. In fact, it's horrible. His father, whom obviously has a countless number of screws loose, is never home. Thus, Jon's brother and all his addict friend use the house as a shelter where they can smoke safely without getting caught. What's worse is Jon's mom lives in their backyard, in a camper. She's an alcoholic, but her poison of choice has now changed to pot, which she smokes constantly to aleviate the pain from an excessive amount of alcohol consumption.

Jon's father used to beat on him, and he's fucked him up pretty bad a couple times. This I didn't know until a couple weeks ago when Jon and I were having a really deep conversation. Once again, I felt like bursting into tears. Another peculiar thing about Jon's father: he knows that Brian smokes, and drinks, and he doesn't do a god damn thing about it. He simply informs Brian, "I know you smoke, and it disappoints me. I'd prefer that you didn't do that." Like fuck that'll stop the bastard from doing it. It's not going to.

Jon told me the other day that he hates going home every day, and he hates all his brother's friends and that they are always trying to make him smoke again. Unfortunately, the other day, Jon caved to peer pressure and showed up at youth group higher than a kite. I hadn't gone that night, and I was informed via several of my close friends who heard him ask Paul for eyedrops. I went home from school the day I found out, simply because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't sit and class and bawl my eyes out. I thought I was mad at Jon, but I really wasn't; I was heart-broken that after so long, it was so easy for him to cave into it again, just because some stupid girl that he used to hang out with kept asking him if he was 'scared to do it'. I nearly passed out in three of my classes the next day, I couldn't stand how sad I felt. I cried again at lunch that day, and he finally approached me to apologize for breaking his promise. I couldn't stop crying while he talked to me, and I could barely walk into my 5th period class without falling over.

We had a really long talk after school on Friday and then another on the phone that night. I cried so hard, and I felt bad, because he was spilling his heart to me, and I couldn't handle it. It made me so sad that he can't escape everything that he hates so much. I told him that he's always welcome at my house, and I wanted to bury myself alive because that's all I could physically offer him. My heart feels like it's going to collapse any second.

I took him home last night right after we went to see Saw II, which is really good by the way, because he said he was feeling sick, and when we were about five minutes from his house, he told me to pull over and he threw up on the side of the road. All I can say is that I can't even begin to fathom the amount of stress he is facing right now, and I feel more helpless than I've ever felt before in my life. I'm so lost right now. If you can't tell, I'm asking for advice. Anything at all I can do. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit and I can't get out. Please help me. I'm throwing myself on the mercy of all of my LJ friends. Please.