Tags: bad days

andrewmcmahon2

I'll wait for the ambulence to come, pick us up off the floor...

Just when I think things are getting better...

I will never learn to assume that things will always get better, or my favorite, 'it can't get worse'. Because in my life, luck will never bless me. Jon and I were doing great until today at lunch. I don't even know how to describe what happened. He just sorted of snapped...like, I've never known him to do before. I don't remember what it was that I said (I was in too much of a daze afterwords to even have a clue) but whatever it was made him unhappy and he totally lashed out at me, verbally. It doesn't sound so bad, but I felt really strange because he's never said anything even close to harsh to me at all, and it royally shocked me. Shocked me enough that I had another sob-fest in the hallway after lunch. I think my peers are going to start thinking I'm flaky and babyish if I keep crying all the time, but hey. I'm past the point of caring. -.-

I don't really know what to do, once again. He's under a lot of stress right now, so I'm perhaps a little bit more understanding than I should be. Certainly I'm not saying that he should get away for taking things out on me, but I know he's having trouble right now so I'm going to be passive and let it slide. Yet, I'm unsure of what I should do now. He hasn't called me yet tonight, and I'm not sure if he should just have his space, or if I should call him. I hate these stupid issues about giving people space or not. I'm too stupid to realize the right time to do what.

Hey! Give me space so I can breathe, give me space so I can sleep. Give me just one inch I swear that's all I need...

Anywhat, that's my incoherent ramble for the day. My meme is gay. I'm bad at memes.

 This particular specimen was stolen from decadentdreams  <3333

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andrewmcmahon2

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OMG. Does it ever end? I certainly wasn't expecting so much emotional baggage when Jon and I got together. I've always known that his home life isn't the greatest. In fact, it's horrible. His father, whom obviously has a countless number of screws loose, is never home. Thus, Jon's brother and all his addict friend use the house as a shelter where they can smoke safely without getting caught. What's worse is Jon's mom lives in their backyard, in a camper. She's an alcoholic, but her poison of choice has now changed to pot, which she smokes constantly to aleviate the pain from an excessive amount of alcohol consumption.

Jon's father used to beat on him, and he's fucked him up pretty bad a couple times. This I didn't know until a couple weeks ago when Jon and I were having a really deep conversation. Once again, I felt like bursting into tears. Another peculiar thing about Jon's father: he knows that Brian smokes, and drinks, and he doesn't do a god damn thing about it. He simply informs Brian, "I know you smoke, and it disappoints me. I'd prefer that you didn't do that." Like fuck that'll stop the bastard from doing it. It's not going to.

Jon told me the other day that he hates going home every day, and he hates all his brother's friends and that they are always trying to make him smoke again. Unfortunately, the other day, Jon caved to peer pressure and showed up at youth group higher than a kite. I hadn't gone that night, and I was informed via several of my close friends who heard him ask Paul for eyedrops. I went home from school the day I found out, simply because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't sit and class and bawl my eyes out. I thought I was mad at Jon, but I really wasn't; I was heart-broken that after so long, it was so easy for him to cave into it again, just because some stupid girl that he used to hang out with kept asking him if he was 'scared to do it'. I nearly passed out in three of my classes the next day, I couldn't stand how sad I felt. I cried again at lunch that day, and he finally approached me to apologize for breaking his promise. I couldn't stop crying while he talked to me, and I could barely walk into my 5th period class without falling over.

We had a really long talk after school on Friday and then another on the phone that night. I cried so hard, and I felt bad, because he was spilling his heart to me, and I couldn't handle it. It made me so sad that he can't escape everything that he hates so much. I told him that he's always welcome at my house, and I wanted to bury myself alive because that's all I could physically offer him. My heart feels like it's going to collapse any second.

I took him home last night right after we went to see Saw II, which is really good by the way, because he said he was feeling sick, and when we were about five minutes from his house, he told me to pull over and he threw up on the side of the road. All I can say is that I can't even begin to fathom the amount of stress he is facing right now, and I feel more helpless than I've ever felt before in my life. I'm so lost right now. If you can't tell, I'm asking for advice. Anything at all I can do. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit and I can't get out. Please help me. I'm throwing myself on the mercy of all of my LJ friends. Please.

andrewmcmahon2

With friends like these, who the fuck needs enemies?

1) If you're gonna talk shit about me, don't tell it to someone who's just gonna turn around and tell me everything you said. Shit-talking involves intelligence, fucker.

2) Don't fucking act like I'm the one causing the problems. It's not MY fucking time of the month, bitch.

3) If you got something to say to me, say to my face k thanks.

4) Don't try and comfort me by adding to the list of all the things I've done wrong in the past week, dumbshit. That WON'T help.

5) MOTHER, don't blame all the world's problems on me plz. That's what we have George Bush for, got it? I am not capable of causing an apocolypse.

6) I don't care if your joking, when I'm having a bad day (AND IT'S ALWAYS OBVIOUS WHEN I AM) you can be kind enough not to pick me apart as far as my wardrobe, personality, hair style, etc. Thank you.

On a much lighter note, my poetry muse has returned after a two and a half year hiatus. Not that my poetry is any good, but I still like to play with it. Here is a rough draft of something I wrote yesterday. I have yet to revise, but if anyone would like, I would love for some opinions on it. Currently, it's untitled. Oh, and btw, I'm not a psychopath. =)

 

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