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wreckless dark desires

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Did you forget, did you? [Did you forget your identity?] [13 Jan 2004|08:24pm]
[ mood | Ouch ]

Well, this is the end of society_.

I'm moving to x. Feel free to read that or add it to your respective friends lists or whatever.

God damn my head hurts. Migraine. Thats what I get for not sleeping.


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[03 Jan 2004|10:35pm]
[ mood | blah ]

sicklySLAVE: And I am a little upset, but I usually just hide it. because I don't want to fight about stupid shit.

Christine is out with Drew. Ehh.

I'm feeling pretty tired and blarghg. I just got home from Bret's. I had fun there, though. We played Gamecube and his older brother, who is home from college, was hanging out with us.

I think I'm going to go make some tea and fall asleep. :/

call me when you get in, Christine...

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I know it all, I KNOW EVERYTHING [The little secrets that you keep.] [01 Jan 2004|01:16am]
[ mood | good ]

So, my New Years Eve is over. I never do anything on New Years, but it was nice to have someone to say "I love you" too, even if it was over the phone and 45 minutes late. Haha.

I went out with Jeremy and his girlfriend tonight. Accompanying us on our adventure was my digital camera and a sharpie. Vandalization is bad, children.


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Once I cried. Now I wipe away the tears. [Once I died. Now I'm alive.] [28 Dec 2003|07:00pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Well, I just woke up from a 3-ish hour nap..

I'm not ready to make my oh-my-god-it-was-wonderful post, but believe me, it was. It was truly more amazing than I can hope to describe.

I haven't had much of an appetite at all since I left there. Yesterday we ate at some restaurant and today around 4 [about 24 hours later] I ate a sandwich because even though I didn't feel hungry, I knew I probably should be. Haha.

I feel pretty strange right now. I miss Christine desperately. I called her cellphone and she didn't answer. I think she was supposed to be going out with her friend Zach today or something. Meh...

I think I'm mostly just feeling blah in general because I'm still really tired. I only slept 3 hours in between getting home from the trip and going to work. I was awake for nearly the entire trip home so I could keep mom awake and provide directions.

Eh well. I know I'm just being paranoid... I'm sure everything is probably okay. I love you, Christine. Call me when you get home...

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[26 Dec 2003|10:08pm]
[ mood | anxious ]


[that is all.]

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[25 Dec 2003|02:52am]
So, just making a quick post before bed.

Exchanged presents with family tonight. Got lots of neat toys and whatnot. Yes yes. Perhaps I'll list all that tomorrow..when..its not 3AM. Haha.

I've been playing with my graphics tablet most of all. Heres my first scribbling via pen rather than mouse:

Yay. I suck. But I'll get better. :)

Missing Christine. Have a tiny bit of a headache from being tired and having my contacts in and whatnot.

More tomorrow.
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I am the one who chose my path [I am the one who couldn't last] [24 Dec 2003|06:23am]
[ mood | cold ]

Well, I haven't updated in a long time.

It just recently occured to me that I never made a post about the most important thing coming up. Christmas? No.

This Saturday I'm going to see Christine. My mom is taking me. Woo. Yes. Thats right. Saturday. This Saturday.


I'm very nervous and excited. But I know everything will be wonderful.

Oh oh. What else. This journal is going to be removed soon. I'm changing to the username x. Just x. I got the account from a friend who had it from a long time ago. So as soon as I have time to do the layout and stuff a way that I like them, I'll be relocated to http://x.livejournal.com

ph33r. or something..

I'll make an "official" post about it whenever that happens.

Welp, I just woke up and I only got out of bed to get a drink, but here I am...

I might go play some quake or something. Or possibly crawl back in bed.

For anyone who wants to see what I've been working on:

My flash layout: http://www.crownofshit.com/slave/test.html
My latest random scribble artwork: http://www.crownofshit.com/insane.jpg

4 comments|post comment

Waiting all this time [I've got nothing to hold on..] [12 Dec 2003|03:06pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Just got in from school..

I'm sipping some tea. Oh my god I love tea. Haha. This one is called "refresh." Basically, the whole box of different kinds is littered with highly marketed buzz words. One of them is called Zen. Another is Joy. Etc etc.

This one is minty. VERY minty. Like...Damn. Haha. The teabag almost looked like grass clippings, I swear..


I've been working on my flash layout some more. I like the way its coming. Not sure when I'll upload that. Possibly by Monday.

I talked to Missy last night for the first time in a long time. I sort of miss her. Probably just because of the website design and whatnot. We used to be really good friends. Well, more than that a long time ago.. But I just miss her friendship. I guess thats how things are though. People change. I've changed.

And for once, I like the person I am.

Things are going good with Christine. *nods* I think my life is back in its almost-normal normality.

Anyway, I'm going to go drink my tea and wait for my baby to get home from school...

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No one really understands [Just how simple, and plain, and predictable I am.] [11 Dec 2003|03:07pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Just got in from school. I had a fieldtrip today. Basically, I went to the city, walked around and did whatever I wanted for 2 hours, and then sat and listened to a speaker on homeland security. He wasn't a very good speaker, and he didn't really say much of anything. He talked a lot but never really made any valid points.

Despite the overall lack of quality, I was annoyed with my friends for laughing and making jokes and whatnot during the presentation. I don't know why I took it so seriously, but it was just embarassing to be sitting in this room of intelligent people, to feel myself a part of that group, and then to have my friends talking about "what a fucking asshole" the gentleman at the front of the room was, haha.

I just got changed from my dress clothes and hopped online. I feel...almost nauseous. I'm worried.

While I was in Pittsburgh we went to Starbucks. Of course, I drank some coffee and whatnot. I also bought this awesome box thing of 12 different kinds of tea. So, when I got home I made myself a cup of tea to try and soothe my nerves. I'm sure its probably just a combination of the caffeine high wearing off [my hands are still shaking..] and my worry for Christine.

I really hope everything went well with her tests...I know she was worrying about them.. :/

Tea smells sooo good. The packets or bags or whatever. Its like...wow. Haha. Just..intoxicating. Almost healing.

Thats all for now. No plans for tonight as of yet. I kind of feel like just staying home and doing nothing. Talking to Christine, if thats a possibility. *nods*

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[08 Dec 2003|11:52pm]
Just making a quick post.

Today was okay. Lots of homework, but I'm done with most of it now. *nods*

I bought a domain. For Christine and myself to share. I'm really excited about it. I can't wait to start working on it, and we both have some really cool ideas.

I'd rather not give up much else information about it right now for lots of reasons, including I don't know how soon until I'll have anything there to look at...

Look for more info on it soon.
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Its not what you did [Its not what you didn't] [07 Dec 2003|03:28pm]
[ mood | good ]

Well, lots of stuff has gone on lately but I don't really feel like writing about any of it right now... *peers*

So why am I updating? No idea..

I have a ton of homework, so right now I'm working on my Schindler's List essay and talking to some people on AIM. Mostly just waiting for Christine. *nods*

I feel like...I don't know exactly. Like something is wrong. But I don't know what. And I sort of feel okay.

Oh..oh oh oh..I had a dream about us last night...

sicklySLAVE (2:01:14 PM): I had the most amazing dream last night...I dreamt that we were together..That we met for the first time...But it was one of those very real dreams..There was nothing crazy or dreamlike about it..It was everything I expect..it was perfect.
sicklySLAVE (2:02:41 PM): We were walking..Somewhere..I don't know where...and I took her hand and held it..and she looked a little shocked that I just grabbed her hand without thinking..lol...and then we were in this hallway alone...Just standing there cheek to cheek, and looking at one another...and I kissed her on the cheek..and then we started like..kissing and crying at the same time, the both of us..

Yeah..Thats all for now...

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Hey Mister [I really like your daughter..] [05 Dec 2003|05:34pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Had a great day. My first one in school this week. Yay.

My baby called me like one minute after I walked in from school. Little things like that make me feel all special. lol

I had a good day at school. Lots of people asked about me, where I was, etc.

I don't regret missing the past few days. The time I spent at home on the phone with Christine was great. Absolutely great. <3

I got invited to a party tonight. By some girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, haha. Ehh. No thank you very much... It starts in 20 minutes. I could go. Its like..a 5 minute drive from my house, even with the roads as shitty as they are right now. I'm not going though. I've got some homework to makeup from when I was absent, and I don't want to go out really.

I want to relax and hopefully talk to Christine for most of the evening. But I dunno. I'm feeling tireddd. Meh.
Edit: [6:10PM]
Whiskey tango foxtrot! [Wtf! or What the fuck! for those of you who haven't seen me use this neat little expression yet..]

l i l l i a 1615: can u go 2 heather's b-day party
sicklySLAVE: Ahhh..Its her birthday? Wow Didn't know that
l i l l i a 1615: is that bad?
sicklySLAVE: lol..No..but I can't come... Make sure and tell her I said happy birthday
l i l l i a 1615: ok
l i l l i a 1615: brad i'll miss u
l i l l i a 1615: i won't have a teddy bear
sicklySLAVE: lol. Eh. I'm sure you'll find someone there that will gladly be your teddy bear..
l i l l i a 1615: :-( but i want u
l i l l i a 1615: its ok
l i l l i a 1615: i'll get u on monday
l i l l i a 1615: MUAHAHAHAH
l i l l i a 1615: but i g2g cuz i am goin 2 her house
l i l l i a 1615: i'll ttyl
l i l l i a 1615: and i hope u have a great weekend... if i don't talk u
l i l l i a 1615: hehe
sicklySLAVE: lol..Bye bye..have fun.

Yeah..I think I did a decent job of dodging that bullet. hah. I lied. Oh well. I could very easily have gone..I just don't want to. Never even mentioned it to my parents, because they'd of all but MADE me go. They don't like that I stay in so much...

Its weird..to think like..that most people go to parties with their girlfriends and stuff..lol. I mean..Not really weird...But yeah. As jealous as I am of that, I'd never go for just a night to feel like I had someone. I do have someone. And it doesn't matter how far away she is...

no one will ever mean as much as she does.

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I'm... I'm... I'm... [Just being honest.] [04 Dec 2003|02:21pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Stayed home again and talked to Christine all day. Well, most of the day. I really wasn't feeling all that well today, and talking to her combined with a tiny nap helped a lot.

Things have been really great lately, and I hope it stays that way...
c e re b oso: So you love her?
sicklySLAVE: Very much. We've been dating since August.
c e re b oso: Have you loved anyone else?
c e re b oso: What is love to you?
sicklySLAVE: I feel like I've been in love one other time, yeah. But I've also had my fair share of meaningless relationships.
sicklySLAVE: Hrm..What is love to me..I don't know..but I can characterize it for you...I stay up late worrying..And just the sound of her voice makes me smile, really. And shes a good reason to cry. Just the little things she does that make her seem more beautiful to me. She makes me not afraid to be myself.
c e re b oso: Do you want to be with her forever?
sicklySLAVE: Silly as it probably sounds, yes.
c e re b oso: That doesn't sound silly.
c e re b oso: That's awesome.
c e re b oso: So, have you met her in person yet?
sicklySLAVE: Nah uh. I was supposed to..the day after Thanksgiving..but the plans got fucked up..So hopefully this month..if not..Very soon after.
c e re b oso: Ah....
c e re b oso: I hope that goes well for you.
sicklySLAVE: Thank you. I appreciate it
c e re b oso: =)
sicklySLAVE: :)

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And when I wake up in the morning... [To feel a day break on my face.] [02 Dec 2003|03:27pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Well..I didn't go to school today.

Christine and I talked on the phone the entire morning. Probably close to 7 hours in total. I lost track after we ran my first cordless phone dead. [The first 4.5 hours..]

Eating some soup now [meat-free. Told you so!] About to head off to work until 8:30. Good stuff. *nods*

Damn, today was amazing..

Oh. And you were wrong. And you lost. Haha. I'm sure you already realized that though, which is why you bothered trying to lie.

I have lots of extra homework to look forward to tomorrow. <3

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[02 Dec 2003|01:42am]
Don't think I'm going to school tomorrow. Still working on that homework, have a ton of stuff going on inside my head, plus I'm really not feeling too great. My stomach is upset and I have a bit of a headache / fever. Also, I know I'll be insanely tired tomorrow if I do go.

I don't know yet.

I don't really know anything..haha..

I'm still asking myself the same questions, over and over.

Why? Does she really? What if this doesn't work out? Is he lying? What should I do? How can I fix this? Does she even want to be with me?

yeah. this outline isn't going to do itself...
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I'm as fake as a wedding cake... [02 Dec 2003|12:17am]
[ mood | Feeling fine. ]

Hm. [!]...

Just Jobe: Just wanted to let you know that I was sorry to hear about what happened.
sicklySLAVE: Whats that?
Just Jobe: about christine and drew...what else?
sicklySLAVE: *Shrugs* I'm still breathing.
Just Jobe: well, it happened to me and her a few times...
sicklySLAVE: I'm sorry to hear that.
Just Jobe: well, im still breathing to...unfortunatly.
Just Jobe: you know what doesn't kill me...only pisses me off. :-)
sicklySLAVE: I'm not pissed off, either. I'm obviously not thrilled about it, but its not a big deal..Not as big as it could be...I'm not aiming to hurt her back. I've forgiven her.
Just Jobe: it is a big deal...
Just Jobe: but just learn to deal with it AND trust her again or it wont work out.
sicklySLAVE: I do trust her.
Just Jobe: i wouldnt.
Just Jobe: not right away anyway
sicklySLAVE: You know, I have to be perfectly honest. I don't want to be like you. Not at all. And something about talking to you makes me sick. Its not you, and its nothing personal..I just get nauseous everytime you IM me or I have a reason to IM you. I just feel..uncomfortable. Like the way I feel right before or right after an argument. I'm not sure why that is.
Just Jobe: Then don't IM me. and being like me, well, Christine loved it and still does. Atleast so she said lastnight.
sicklySLAVE: Goodbye.
Just Jobe: and she wont talk to me on the phone out of fear of getting back together. Her words. Not mine.
sicklySLAVE: Like I said..Goodbye. I have homework to do.
Just Jobe: atleast she regretted cheating on me...and stopped talking to the people. she doesnt regret it w/ you though and is still going to hang w/ drew. that should tell u something.
sicklySLAVE: You know, I don't want to ruin it for you..but..Was there a point to you messaging me? If you want to make me miserable..Let me explain the last 3 days of my life to you..haha...I've been disappointed, my plans have been fucked up, my girlfriend cheated on me, and I'm nearly certain I was dumped a few hours ago.
sicklySLAVE: What that means is pretty simple.
sicklySLAVE: You can't hurt me. You want to make me miserable? I already am, thanks.
sicklySLAVE: I have nothing for you to take away.
sicklySLAVE: So don't bother. You're wasting time for the both of us.
sicklySLAVE: I'm sure you have someone else to torture at this early hour.
Just Jobe: I msged you to let you know I was sorry about it untill you became a dick.
sicklySLAVE: I wasn't being a dick. All I said was talking to you makes me uncomfortable.
sicklySLAVE: That was honest.
sicklySLAVE: If I was a dick, I'd of just blocked you or told you to fuck off.
Just Jobe: and if she dumped you, i had something to do with that. so your welcome.
sicklySLAVE: I know you didn't. That wasn't my point. My point is..I don't care about you. At all. Or anything you say. And even if I did, it wouldn't affect me. You can't take what I don't have. You can't break whats already broken. Dig?
Just Jobe: see, i could tell you EXACTLY how to make it all better with her but now...
sicklySLAVE: Right. Because you've done SUCH a good job with her. :-)
Just Jobe: you must care what i say since you keep replying and i told her to dump you
Just Jobe: i was with her for a YEAR
sicklySLAVE: My homework is calling. Seriously this time. Night.
Just Jobe: yeah maybe jenny craig will call u later.
Just Jobe: well, g'night. christine is on the phone.


Haha. Ooh..Fat joke..burnnnn...

Anyway. World Cultures outline is about half done..so...

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Take your word like it was gospel [I'm so eager to please..] [01 Dec 2003|01:44pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

So... Things are closer to normal now. If my life has ever been anything you could call normal...

You know. What you said last night. It was very flattering. Really. But...

You do know what happened to Jesus, right?

Haha. I just found that both ironic and amusing.. I guess I have a somewhat sick sense of humor.

I never really write too much about how I *feel* in here. I write my thoughts, and the days events, but never about my actual feelings...

Right now I feel somewhat embarassed. Sort of like my pride is hurt. But I don't really have any pride. So...Yeah. That doesn't make much sense to me. I'm feeling better, though. A lot better than I have for the past 3 days.

Oh. Right. I got my haircut and dyed darker. I like it. Even my mom, who thought it was the most terrible idea ever, likes it. I'd say I'll post pics here sometime, but anyone who reads this knows that I won't. I've been saying "I'll post some pics.." for the past 3 months. It won't happen, lol. Too much effort.

If you want to see it, IM me. *shrugs*

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No time for subject. [30 Nov 2003|08:03pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I'm on my way out the door to Bret's. Things are better now. So much better than before...

No time to write anything else. Maybe I'll update tomorrow, if I think I can explain it..


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[30 Nov 2003|09:20am]
I feel a little better, having slept...

I think I may have missed the point in my ranting and raving post around..what was it..5 in the morning? I forget...

The point is that I still love Christine. I still want to try and work things out, hard as that may be.

If you love Drew, or you want to be with him because you can't stand the distance anymore...I understand... To be perfectly honest, this sort of thing has happened to me countless times before. Relationships dissolve because of the distance. Just never....something so important... You mean so much to me...

Please, though...Don't just snap your eyes shut and forget about everything that we've had up until this point. Its all been so beautiful, and so perfect. Theres always Christmas. Theres always New Years. Theres always Spring Break. I know that this seems wishful, but Christmas is less than 30 days away. I can try. Thats all I can do for you...try.

You know I would do anything. ANYTHING to be with you. I'm not worried about making you "pay" or getting "revenge" or anything. I just want this to be over. I just want you to be mine again. I want our perfection back...

I have to go to work now... Please call me around 4 if you get this by then..

I love you.
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x [30 Nov 2003|06:01am]
[ mood | god damnit ]

Why. I think thats the only question I have. Fucking why...

And I know the answer. Its unfortunate that I can say I truly do understand why she went to him because I wasn't there. But...Its just...Jesus...

Shes supposed to LOVE me... And him. Hes supposed to be one of my best fucking friends...

We were talking. And saying about working things out... But I slowly got the impression that you didn't really want to. That I'm not what you want at all. That you made that decision and just didn't know how to tell me. And here I am thinking I'm being all gracious and giving you a second chance...

I'm fucking stupid. Because you could have me if you wanted me, but you don't. No one does.

I just woke up. I couldn't sleep, so I called you back and we talked a little longer..I think I may have cried a little, I don't even remember anymore...

But I just woke up. And I'm shaking. And only a little bit of this is shivering. I mean, I'm fucking convulsing. I have to backspace a typo every 2 seconds because I can't keep my hands on the keyboard...

I just feel sick.

I really did mean what I said. About just wanting to get past this. About you being all that I want. And my life really IS empty without you...

But I don't think you want me. I think you want him. And it is your choice to make... I don't know what I'll do without you, but it is your choice. So make it. And let me know...

I'm sorry. I love you.

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