I missed.

by you.

After a lot of time spent growing up I realize you can't help loving who you love. And honestly, I wouldn't want to.
I just want to be loved.

I missed.

her pathetic cell phone lament

I hate that I always always say I'll wait this time
wait for you to call me
to come to me
that I wont make myself feel 
more and more pathetic and unloved
by calling and third and forth time
but I can't ever seem to stand the waiting part
the loud loud silence of the phone not ringing
I hate that I always always  know
when I hear the third ring
you wont be picking up this time
but I still I wait for the automated voice
for a cool robotic woman to tell me
you're unavailable
how true
And I know, that Im pathetic. Just like I know I'll end up calling you before you call me. and I wont be able to sleep tonight, because you'll never called. Because Im waiting. and I'll wake up at sunrise with my cell phone in my hand. my stupid cell phone.
thegirloutthere (9:00:49 PM): Im so damn scared Im sick to my stomach and I suppressed it just long enough to clean my room and shower and put on make up and clean clothes at nine o'clock at night, and then by the third ring I was positive I knew he wasn't coming.
samanthakbeane (9:17:48 PM): beLIEVE me i understand.


my hair is wet. my goddamnhair is wet and it will be all sleepless night long.

martyn's right. no one reads these things anymore. - thank god.
I missed.

Where to turn?

          I woke up this morning with a black beetle crawling on my forehead.
I shouldn't believe in omens. (Just holes in the screen)

          Topper has a fat lip and from what I can tell it's probably infected. I know we don't have the money to take him to the vet. Just like I know my parents will do it for me anyway if I ask.

          I wish it wasn't such a selfish thought, wish it didn't make me feel so childish. God, I wish I could go though. Anywhere (but here). This place is the center of my universe, so the appeal is probably to get away from myself.
They say not to be hard on myself. But the truth is, Im disappointed.
And I wish I were in
New York
or DC, with a good friend and a good cup of coffee. I wouldn't be thinking about all of this, that I know. Because I have thought it through,  and there's still no solution better than the one I spray n' washed over this stain last night. I shouldn't be allowed near love when Im wearing white. Come to think of it... I shouldn't be allowed to wear white (at my wedding?)  at all.

  • Current Music
    Autumn in NY (or DC)
I missed.

(no subject)

Just a few moments ago I did my routine in reverse. The much more modern, much more basic version of a geisha undoing herself at the end of a day.
I let my hair down and removed my sweater and tanktop in front of the mirror. I watched myself turn a tee shirt right side out, sniff it, and slip it on. I smudged off my lip gloss, my blush, undid my necklace, laid it down on the mantle and tied my hair up in a messy bun.
And with a deep breath out I released all my anticipation, and felt a mixture of relief and disappointment wash over me. I tried to wipe off a bit more make up before I threw the tissue away.


what's going on.

I missed.

Thoughts on the men.

Between the perfect guy that I can't seem to land, and the man I can't stop loving, and the bestfriend I thought I could trust and was just screw over by....

I never should have kissed mike all those years ago. It was the seemingly innocent  tip of a heteroberg. Good god. Now I know why I felt the way I felt. "why did I just do that?!"

And what else. I finally feel over Andy. secure. Able to believe that someone perfect can fall out of love and that it doesn't mean Im worthless.

*exclamation of some sort.*

Like I told Evan, in the awakward, broken, email I just sent soaring though the tristate on a telephone cable....
Im just one girl.

godfuckingdamnit.

And I love you all.
I missed.

A YEAR AGO THIS WEEK.... Im such a crazy.

24 June 2006 @ 04:40 pm
[protected post] The pattern  
             I always have a home to come back to, and mostly it serves as my place to hind from everyone else. My place to be me...who isn't very pretty, and isn't very smart, and likes it better that way. And, it's a big house, which is good because every time I leave I come home with a lot more baggage, and bottles of homeopathic treatments for all kinds of scars. In fact the attempts to improve myself in little steps have piled up so high they're now spilling out the windows and cracks in the walls, and when I wander outside to get the mail people walking by and ask "the hell is all that?" and I respond "Oh, that's just countless tries to fix all that." And I gesture at the world... "And all this" And left the hair off my forehead so they can see all the nonsense going on in my head.

            "Im very good at being rejectable." were my exact words, last night, while talking to my slightly intoxicated, slightly broken spirited friend.

            Im not sure what it is... But, once someone was telling me Im beautiful and intelligent and important through and through, and I took my head off his chest long enough to tell him it wasn't true. And, putting it back, I explain to him that everyone that has ever loved me because they thought that, had left suddenly, and usually much too soon. I explained to him that I wasn't trying to fool him, that there was nothing I could do. But to prove to him it was true, I lifted up my shirt and I showed him the scar on my chest where the first person that loved me like he did had removed a chunk of my heart. I guess he was distracted by my breasts, again, because the message didn't get through. He left pretty soon after.
            I swear, Im not sure what it is about me... but I always come home alone. And, I really don't think it would bother me if no one cared... but I keep getting my hopes up. I keep thinking they're all someone they can't be. I've almost forgotten what I was looking for in the first place...
I think it was peace. although I've forgotten the details... I remember I set out to find someone worthy, to find someone interested, to share myself with.

            But it's all forming a pattern. A pattern of  " I thought you..." and " I thought wrong" This gross pattern, like when you study a patch work quilt closely enough to realize that it was made by a machine. The kind of pattern you don't want at all.

            I wish I could tell someone so many things. And on top of that, I wish I could tell so many someones just one thing.
I missed.

For The Record...

I don't know why Im the only person that seems to have this straight, but here it is:

THUMB OUT = love.
THUMB IN = rock on. / demonic.

Please get it right you crazy hip hoppin kids, you.

<3 Elle
I missed.

I forget...

Lately I think it's my fault. It's the only answer I can understand, and the only thing I can't fix.
I would give anything to hear the phone ring.

My blood is the color of my birthstone. it's a color that doesn't match the rest of me. If you bleed in space does it come out blue?

I am horrible at this.