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29 August 2008 @ 12:21 am
i dont know how i got here. i feel like this is partially my fault.
i allowed you to get where you are today. it hurts so much to be
lied to in your face by the one person thats not supposed to hurt you.
theres so many thoughts running through my mind, i cant settle them
down. what should i do now? talk to him? ignore him? let him come to me?
i feel as if he doesnt even think what he did is wrong. he had all the time in
the world to tell me how he was feeling, so that we could deal with it; there
was just silence. he calls me twice and texts me and he thinks thats enough
to want me to talk to him, after what he did. as im writing this im only convincing
myself to not talking to him. he doesnt realize what hes done to me. i dont deserve
this. this is bullshit. it seems to be a reoccurring problem with him though, lying.
i know why he does it, just so these type of situations like the one we are in dont happen.
too bad thats not going to help reality at all. im not perfect, no one is. I just want him to
communicate with me. I feel so lost with all my emotions. He seems to not have anything
to say to me thats worth me responding to. He thinks I'll just let this go, that within a day
I'll be able to look at him and say "I love you." NO. I cant. Ive done
that too much already. there needs to be a huge change. i cant do this, god help me.

This relationship wont go anywhere, unless he learns to apologize. I ALWAYS need to
tell him to apologize to me. WTF. Saying im sorry to someone needs to come from
the bottom of your heart, not just because thats what will make her happy. I feel
undeserved, unwanted, taken for granted, and just plain hurt. I know you care, how about
showing it some? I cant do this. I cant tell him what he needs to do to make me happy.
This is something that he needs to know how to do himself. If he cant make me happy
without me saying something to him, why are we doing this? Then its basically a relationship
with myself. You mess up and then i tell you what to tell me to make me feel better. Yeah,
that works out.

01 grow up
02 take control of your life
03 dont take for granted whats around you
04 take responsibilities for your actions

Im not your mother, i cant possibly sit around telling you what to do. Though I will
let you know when I dont agree with something that youre doing. Like now, I dont
understand how you could be doing this to yourself when you see your cousin and
his situation. How everyone talks about him and makes comments. You prolly think
its because youre young and you want to live life as much as possible since youre only 20.
Honestly, I completely agree with that. The only issue is that apparently youre not able to say
no. To have the balls to know moderation and limits. I hope it was worth it. I hope getting high
was worth lying to me in my face, really. I hope the feeling of euphoria in your brain and the tastes
in your mouth when you ate were far more satisfying than me crying as i write this. I know your trying to fill a void thats inside. I just wish i knew what it was to help you. I wanna help you, but i cant. You need to help yourself with this.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed