How do you break up with your only friend?
Someone help, please. I'm really not happy in my relationship right now, but he's my only real friend in Tennessee. I love him to death as a person. I just...get the feeling that he's not happy with me. Being that we haven't hung out in over a week, and I have tried impossibly over and over to make plans that keep getting cancelled.
He's great; fun; sweet; cute...an amazing guy. But I don't think he's happy. And...I KNOW I'm not. I'm having my heart broken 5 times a week with all the cancelling and not hanging out and late phone calls. Its just...over.
I can't bring myself to tell him, though. I ask if he even likes me, and he bends over to tell me he LOVES me, that it's just a bad week, midterms, fall break coming up, friends visiting for thanksgiving. "I swear, after this week, it will ALL be different. We just hit a snag, but it will fix itself right up, and other than finals, I'm all yours come Wednesday"
But then when we say we might get together tonight to watch some tv, it never happens, because he's off with friends. I wait for his call. Finally I call him. 45 minutes after he messages to say he's about to call me.
His "I'm just gonna do my paper, then you can come over," became "I'm just gonna chill downtown, then do my paper. You playing poker Monday?"
So, of course, I'm NOT playing poker. I'm not a good poker player. I don't want to lose $20. I don't really want to PLAY anyway. I just want to watch a tv show and cuddle a little so I feel like maybe I have a boyfriend that likes me. Our last date? 2 weeks ago as of Tuesday....
I mean, yeah, we went to a party on the 9th. And last Sunday we hung out for about an hour to watch the end of the Colts game, and then we made out at the bar for like 10 minutes. Whoop-de-doo. We haven't been alone since the 9th! And, that wasn't even ALONE. That was time in the car before and after the party to kind of talk.
I'm bored. I want to move on. But we WORK together. And he's the only person I'm really close with here in Tennessee. And he's amazing when he wants to be. But...this relationship is going downhill REALLY fast.
I'm planning to just not hang out for a while. I won't invite, and I'll say no when he does. If we both go to wine night Wed or Sassie's Thursday, it'll be in seperate cars. No Black Friday shopping together like we planned. If he wants to date me, he can fight to. I'm done calling and making plans. I'll give him one shot to get me back. If he doesn't...I'm out.
I REALLY fricken like him. I know I vent a lot, but he's kinda amazing. I can TALK to him, nonstop, seriously. I mean, yes, we've only been dating a month, so I guess there's a lot of background stuff to still cover. But even at that - he's so FUN. I REALLY like him. I don't want to lose him. I SEE myself with him. I see myself HAPPY with him. Not in a ridiculous, "I'll love you forever" naive way, but in a, "Wow, you're a pretty damn amazing guy, and you make me ridiculously happy" way.
When I AM with him, it's awesome. He's like my best friend, and on top of that, we have this "I can't keep my hands (or lips, for that matter) off of you" chemistry. He makes me feel special. He opens doors; he calls me baby or baby girl or sweetheart; he pays for everything even when I ask him to let me for once; he makes ME pick the movie, or what we watch, or if we smoke, or if we drink, or where we go...He just CARES about me. He told me he loved me, and he NEVER tells that to people. He made me his girlfriend, and I'm the first girl to ever officially hold that title in his life. He has all sorts of nicknames for me, and they make me feel special. The way he LOOKS at me makes me feel special. His hands are the softest I've ever felt, and the way he touches me with them (in a fully innocent way, mind you) MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. His kisses...not even just the passionate ones, but those little pop kisses he steals when we're both working and no ones looking...they just make me feel so damn LOVED.
And when he pulls me aside as one of us or both of us are leaving, and once we're outside and away from everyone, kisses me full on, passionately, for a short while? THAT makes me feel wanted. Needed, even.
Now I sort of feel awful for the first half of this post. I know he's in school. I know he's fighting to keep his GPA so that he CAN stay in Knoxville, BECAUSE he wants to be with me. I know he likes me, and I know he's genuinely working. He comes online everytime a page is done for a 20 minute break to talk to me. He calls and talks to me on the phone every night i don't see him for over an hour. He cares.
I just hate NOT seeing him. I'm selfish. I want to curl up to him, just for a night. I miss the one night we did sleep together (literally sleep, that is). It was sweet, and wonderful. Nevermind that I couldn't sleep all night. I MISS it. I REALLY loved that. I can't wait until he gets his own place, lol, because I really just want to sleep over. Or until I get MY own place.
Dammit, now I'm head over heels again. How can I be this fickle??????