Grrrrrrrrr

HE IS ALWAYS LATE. EVERY F*ING TIME WE GO OUT.
I'm FED UP with it. DAMN IT! It's so sickening to me.
And being black is NOT an excuse.

I'm so confused.

He pushed me. Onto the concrete. It didn't hurt something terrible, but I got a couple little bruises that serve to remind me of what happened. It didn't come out of nowhere. I slapped him, first. He had threatened to go in and wake up my dad, because I was sitting in his car until he apologized for essentially "tattling" on me at work. Everyone knows what happens when my dad gets involved and angry with me. So, when he headed inside, I slapped him. He says it was self defense. All I know is, I was pushed into the concrete outside my house. I cried, hard, and he got mad at me for crying hard. Of course he did. I'm lying on the ground, bruised, and there's a 6'7 guy standing over me.
I just can't believe he'd do that. I'm in shock. He asked me where I thought we went from here, and I told him I didn't think we had anywhere TO go. I'm not sure, though. I just need to push away for a while. I need time to catch my breath, to think about what I want. I know I initiated by slapping him, but if he woke my dad, I'd be in a LOT more trouble. I HAD to let him know he pushed a line there. I lost my head. But to push a female into a concrete driveway? Help me, am I overreacting or is that fucked?

Positive note: I'm blonde again. And it looks amazing. I'm not even sure I liked the dark hair now. The blonde just...SUITS me.

I don't forgive you.

I don't know if it's possible to take back forgiveness. I would normally assume that it's typically not, but that infers being 100% over something, I suppose. I do not forgive. Not anymore, at least. I've decided the ties that binded me and Cameron, as strong as they once were, pale in comparison to the hurt and outright disrespect that he caused me. I don't care who's side you've heard, or what you believe. Just...remember, there are two sides to every story. While I do not claim to be free of fault, he exploted me. He took personal photos that were between two people in the extreme most private way and blasted them all over the internet. He posted bullitens, making nude pictures of me the icon. He defaced me in front of every person, friend and family, that I know. He emailed my father the photos, claiming to be me. My sister discovered the myspace. He lost me nearly all my friends and most of the respect from many of them.
The worst part was, I was never comfortable with the pictures to begin with. He URGED me to take them, mostly beyond my will. As our relationship progressed, I became more comfortable, but it was his urging that made me ever comply. He swore they would be private. He defaced my name and my honor. I do not hate him, as hate is too vengeful, too vindictive. I will never hold him in a high regard, however. He has tarnished his name and my opinion of him. This may mean nothing to him, but it's heartbreaking to me. To be with someone for such a long time; to be friends for so long; and to lose that... It's just not right.
I've moved on, but in my innocent way, I wanted to stay friends. I begged for that. I can now say, in all truthfulness, I do not want that. I want to cut down every last tie to this awful man that wrecked my life. Though I am strong enough to put it back together, I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive.

Random Ramblings

Marriage is a big deal. I suppose that's obvious, but not everyone in America feels that way. Sometimes I wonder if I have a fear of commitment. I severely shy away from harmless comments like, "If everything keeps going as the past few months have, [we could get married someday]." It scares me so much that after the first half of the comment, I can't even recall how the discussion went, apparently. Why?
I suppose its simple. Dating someone, there's really no real commitment. There's obviously some level of commitment to stay loyal and respectful for most people, but when it comes down to it, there's nothing. Dating is essentially trying someone out. Dating is like saying, "Right now, you're the best." There's no promise involved. You could break up at any given moment, and there would sincerely be no one to blame. Sometimes people just don't work out.
Marriage is a whole different level. Marriage is saying, "I've tried other people. I've gone out there, and I've loved, and I've lost. I know what I like, and I know what makes me happy. YOU make me happy." It's being fully comfortable with having that one person for the rest of your life.
I'll be honest. I have no idea what I want in life. Somedays, I want to study film. I want to write, to direct, to act. I want to be in the business so bad that I can feel it burn in my blood when I think about it. The passion exudes from me in tears; I feel as though I need it in my life. Then other days, I feel as though it's impractical. I feel as if I'll get out there and crash and burn. I feel as though I'll save every penny I can chasing a pipe dream that will only bring me anguish and despair. I feel as though psychology is interesting, and it really benefits other people's lives. I look at my reasoning for selecting psychology in the first place, and I see how much help people really do need. Somedays, I feel as though I could be content living the suburban American dream.
If I don't know myself, how on earth can I choose someone to be in my life forever? Relationships are one thing. I'm fully comfortable loving someone and being loved. Contrary to popular consensus, love does not infer forever. Love infers caring, tenderness, passion. It puts the other person first when it won't inflict harm on yourself or others. It means desire, affection, and - I'll be honest - a certain degree of being jaded. It creates warm feelings and pings of jealousy when it feels threatened. However, love has NOTHING to do with whether a relationship will last. A relationship cannot sustain without love; yet the reverse is not true. Relationships have to do with lasting value, and an honest belief that nothing better will come along. That's really the essential paradigm - is this person really the best that will come along?
It's selfish and primitive, but no one can argue it. Marriage is saying, "You are the best person that will come into my life, and I chose to share my life with you." How can one really decide that, without even knowing what that life will bring? If you have no layout - no real plan - you cannot work someone else into it. You can bring them along for the ride, but to commit - it's just unfair. Who will you be in 2 years? 5 years? 10? If you can't answer it, the other person is getting themself into something ridiculous. They're basing a lifetime on a person that may not exist come next summer.
You may argue that anyone has the chance of dying at any point in time; however, the circumstances are different. Death brings pain and sadness, but the love is still there. You don't stop loving someone once they're gone. Changes in people lead to bitterness and feelings of deceit. Love can no longer exist where trust is shattered. Love can change.
So, maybe I do fear commitment. Or maybe I just have a clearer view of it all.

It's the little things...

The weirdest things make me realize how much I like someone or something. Today, before I had to clock in for my shift, I was hanging out with my boyfriend.We were goofing off, and for one reason or another (though I cannot recall why) I decided to write on his face with marker. Lo and behold, he didn't love this idea, so we ended up in a marker fight, wrestling eachother for markers. Along the expo line in a restaurant is probably not the ideal locale for this, but I suppose no one yelled at us so there's no issue. That said, Doug (my manager) did tell us we were going to make him vomit, LOL.
Either way, somewhere between fighting on the floor to get the marker back, and attempting to mark up my boyfriend, I realized I REALLY loved him. I'm not saying we'll end up together or anything - I'm far too cynical to make assumptions about the future right now - but I really do like him a hell of a lot. He's impossibly fun, and we just click somehow. It's like, the little quirky nerdy things about me are mirrored in him. However, he's still insanely outgoing and popular. I mean, every single person in knoxville seems to know him somehow - it's ridiculous. Also, he's absolutely adorable. I mean, true, my type is tall and skinny - which not everyone goes for - but I don't know one person that won't agree that he's pretty damn hot. And he's sweet, when he wants to be. I hate being teased - everyone knows that, LOL - but I love it when he does it. I just have a good time when I'm with him.
I'm sure it will wear off, but it's nice to be able to really TALK to someone. It's great to get to have real conversations. I love it. We never have those stupid dead silence moments. That's not to say we don't have comfortable, cuddling type moments though...
I don't know - he's just pretty great. I'm so in love, and I don't think I really realized it until tonight...
So what if love is fleeting? I'm so damn happy; it's ridiculous. So, let love be fleeting, and let me enjoy my life while love's still within my grasp. Because life is feeling pretty great right now.

Advice, please..

How do you break up with your only friend?
...
Someone help, please. I'm really not happy in my relationship right now, but he's my only real friend in Tennessee. I love him to death as a person. I just...get the feeling that he's not happy with me. Being that we haven't hung out in over a week, and I have tried impossibly over and over to make plans that keep getting cancelled.
He's great; fun; sweet; cute...an amazing guy. But I don't think he's happy. And...I KNOW I'm not. I'm having my heart broken 5 times a week with all the cancelling and not hanging out and late phone calls. Its just...over.
I can't bring myself to tell him, though. I ask if he even likes me, and he bends over to tell me he LOVES me, that it's just a bad week, midterms, fall break coming up, friends visiting for thanksgiving. "I swear, after this week, it will ALL be different. We just hit a snag, but it will fix itself right up, and other than finals, I'm all yours come Wednesday"
But then when we say we might get together tonight to watch some tv, it never happens, because he's off with friends. I wait for his call. Finally I call him. 45 minutes after he messages to say he's about to call me.
His "I'm just gonna do my paper, then you can come over," became "I'm just gonna chill downtown, then do my paper. You playing poker Monday?"
So, of course, I'm NOT playing poker. I'm not a good poker player. I don't want to lose $20. I don't really want to PLAY anyway. I just want to watch a tv show and cuddle a little so I feel like maybe I have a boyfriend that likes me. Our last date? 2 weeks ago as of Tuesday....
I mean, yeah, we went to a party on the 9th. And last Sunday we hung out for about an hour to watch the end of the Colts game, and then we made out at the bar for like 10 minutes. Whoop-de-doo. We haven't been alone since the 9th! And, that wasn't even ALONE. That was time in the car before and after the party to kind of talk.
I'm bored. I want to move on. But we WORK together. And he's the only person I'm really close with here in Tennessee. And he's amazing when he wants to be. But...this relationship is going downhill REALLY fast.
I'm planning to just not hang out for a while. I won't invite, and I'll say no when he does. If we both go to wine night Wed or Sassie's Thursday, it'll be in seperate cars. No Black Friday shopping together like we planned. If he wants to date me, he can fight to. I'm done calling and making plans. I'll give him one shot to get me back. If he doesn't...I'm out.

I REALLY fricken like him. I know I vent a lot, but he's kinda amazing. I can TALK to him, nonstop, seriously. I mean, yes, we've only been dating a month, so I guess there's a lot of background stuff to still cover. But even at that - he's so FUN. I REALLY like him. I don't want to lose him. I SEE myself with him. I see myself HAPPY with him. Not in a ridiculous, "I'll love you forever" naive way, but in a, "Wow, you're a pretty damn amazing guy, and you make me ridiculously happy" way.
When I AM with him, it's awesome. He's like my best friend, and on top of that, we have this "I can't keep my hands (or lips, for that matter) off of you" chemistry. He makes me feel special. He opens doors; he calls me baby or baby girl or sweetheart; he pays for everything even when I ask him to let me for once; he makes ME pick the movie, or what we watch, or if we smoke, or if we drink, or where we go...He just CARES about me. He told me he loved me, and he NEVER tells that to people. He made me his girlfriend, and I'm the first girl to ever officially hold that title in his life. He has all sorts of nicknames for me, and they make me feel special. The way he LOOKS at me makes me feel special. His hands are the softest I've ever felt, and the way he touches me with them (in a fully innocent way, mind you) MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. His kisses...not even just the passionate ones, but those little pop kisses he steals when we're both working and no ones looking...they just make me feel so damn LOVED.
And when he pulls me aside as one of us or both of us are leaving, and once we're outside and away from everyone, kisses me full on, passionately, for a short while? THAT makes me feel wanted. Needed, even.
Now I sort of feel awful for the first half of this post. I know he's in school. I know he's fighting to keep his GPA so that he CAN stay in Knoxville, BECAUSE he wants to be with me. I know he likes me, and I know he's genuinely working. He comes online everytime a page is done for a 20 minute break to talk to me. He calls and talks to me on the phone every night i don't see him for over an hour. He cares.
I just hate NOT seeing him. I'm selfish. I want to curl up to him, just for a night. I miss the one night we did sleep together (literally sleep, that is). It was sweet, and wonderful. Nevermind that I couldn't sleep all night. I MISS it. I REALLY loved that. I can't wait until he gets his own place, lol, because I really just want to sleep over. Or until I get MY own place.
Dammit, now I'm head over heels again. How can I be this fickle??????

:-D

I just got home from the most amazing, wonderful date. BC was making up for the fact that he never showed yesterday at a party we were going to (Or rather, showed, but showed at like 3am when I was absolutely trashed). First, he picked me up. We went out to an awesome movie, and then to a bar where we had a few tequila shots. Afterwards, we went back to his place to watch Weeds and smoke a little. I think we watched a total of 5 episodes and smoked about 6 bowls. Then, when we got to my place, he got my a present :-D Hot Fuzz!
I <3 Simon Pegg.
So, yeah, it was kinda fucking awesome. And now I'm giddy. And starving. Mmmm...pretzels.

To all the boys I've loved before..

I'm sure many of you have heard the Willie Nelson song, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." Well, a particular live journal entry I read tonight made me think of this very song.

To all the girls I've loved before
Who travelled in and out my door
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before
To all the girls I once caressed
And may I say I've held the best
For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know
To all the girls I've loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away
To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else's wives
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before
To all the girls who cared for me
Who filled my nights with ecstasy
They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the girls I've loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away
To all the girls we've loved before
Who travelled in and out our doors
We're glad they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the girls we've loved before
To all the girls we've loved before
Who travelled in and out our doors
We're glad they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the girls we've loved before

I just want the men I've dated in the past - in particular, the last two - to know exactly what they meant to me. I've been meaning to call Brian and tell him exactly that, but I can't seem to reach him lately. And Cameron - well, he's difficult to reach as well.

If it were not for Cameron, I don't think I'd ever really believe that I would find someone worth loving. Cameron showed me that love is worth finding. You raised my self esteem in ways you probably don't even realize, though it may not have seemed like it. You helped me through the most difficult periods of my life, and I owe so much to you. You gave me fond memories and a beautiful hope for the future. You gave me my first taste of idealistic love, and thus, I have not yet met a man that can now measure up to my standards. You helped me realize what I deserve, and you helped me truly feel love.

If it were not for Brian, I would not have rediscovered myself. It was your passion and drive that helped me remember what I initially stood for. I would be so very unhappy with myself as a whole, had I never met you. You gave me a life, a reason to keep living. You ignited a flame, a passion in me. I would be so hopelessly lost without having known you, and I owe you any success I have in the future. You made me realize that I could be viewed as beautiful not only by the jaded eyes of a lover, but also by the lustful eyes of a stranger. Most importantly, you made me remember who I was. I am eternally grateful that I no longer have to struggle to remember what it is I want in life. You gave me a reason to keep going; something to strive for.

As for all the other men in my life, they have all impacted me in ways you cannot begin to fathom. And thus, this post is dedicated to all the men I've loved before.

ARGH

Tennessee is frustrating. I finally meet a guy, and I truly like him. We hookup...
...At his going away party.
Great timing, eh?
He's so cute, lol, but obviously there's a slight issue in that. To top it off, he's a guy from my work. So when he comes back in a week to finish up working at Bravo, I get to face him in a work setting. And, I think pretty much everyone at work knows that we sorta hooked up at the party. Oh, and I've worked there all of a week, excluding my training...so that makes me look brilliant.
Also, I'm kinda worried that because of this, a fair portion of the other attractive guys at my work are off limits, because they're his best friends. Oh, and it turns out he's actually like 30 years old.
Ah, the decisions that smoking too much pot and drinking too much tequila in a night will lead you to.
Thank god for alcohol and pot though. They're keeping me much more sane.