today i've discovered that i either have lymphatic cancer or hypochondriasis. i think it's lymphatic cancer, but that could just mean i have hypochondriasis and it makes me think i have lymphatic cancer.
if anyone ever opens the door on me when i'm changing a tampon, i think it would funny if i threw it at them and screamed "BLOOD OF CHRIST!"
at the coffee shop there is a sign on the counter that says: "CAUTION: HOT LIQUIDS. Please Keep Children Away from Counter." i can't help but secretly wish that the kid who's parent lets them climb on the counter gets burned by hot liquid. but then i realize that it's the parent's fault for not taking care of their god damn kid.
the reason i'm not a professional tennis player is because my tennis instructor died of mad cow disease. not really. well she really died of mad cow disease, but i wouldn't have been a professional tennis player anyway.
when i took autoshop in high school, every time we lowered a hydraulic lift, we'd have to yell out "RACK COMIN' DOWN!" i always felt kind of silly doing it, but one time a rack crushed my auto teacher's foot.