Purple Scream(def)

Food is Basic to Student Diet

1. How many clowns would it take to freak you out?
I'm not sure. A huge crowd of clowns might, but I might also be laughing my ass off. I like clowns - I think it comes from knowing a few. They're all very sweet, somewhat socially ineffective, cool people.

2. What is your favorite card game?
I like solitaire, and I like dealing blackjack. I don't know many card games.

3. Are the undies you're wearing right now age appropriate?
Is "none" age appropriate?

4. Five things you can touch right now without getting up.
My wine spritzer, social work class notes, tweezers, the bowl of hair goodies, and one of my hats.

5. You have to be somewhere on the fourth floor of a building. Do you take the lift/elevator?
Yes. Just... yes.

6. How do you feel about your reflection?
I put up with me many days. I've tried to start the habit of looking at myself in the mirror and saying "I love you". It's making a difference.

7. What are you thinking about right now?
The movie _Very Young Girls_. It is a documentary about sex trafficking of young girls in Socal(?), and focusing on a program that helps... GEMS. It's... it's rough. I suggest watching it.

8. Write the first word that comes to mind.
Cervix. (Wha????)

9. Dog person or cat person?
Cats, but I like dogs (gogs) too.

10.If you came across $2,000 (or other currency) would you keep it or turn it in?
Oh man... I'd keep it. I'd probably just hold onto it for a while, figure out if there was someone I could return it to, and then use it to pay rent and bills.

11.What was the last thing that you bought?
One of the glass bottled yerba mate flavored teas.

12.If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

13.Where do you see yourself in five years?
With my Master's, planning program running and writing grants.

14.Last book you've read?
_Altars in the Street_.

15.What are you doing this weekend?
Chandra's bridal shower, maybe the Second Wind tobacco cessation program training, homework, and drinking.

16.If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
The Cello. If I every pick up an instrument, that's what it'll be. They're beautiful, sexy, deep, incredible sounds from incredible instruments.

17.How are you?
Frustrated, stressed, trying to get over it.
Purple Scream(def)

(no subject)

I am currently sitting in Weaverville waiting for the 2:40 bus. What a great little trip to Mom's!

It was essentially quite, low stress, and relaxing. Griff had a cold, so he stayed home from school Tues-Thurs, but still felt well enough to hang out with me. While I'm massively sick of Lady Gaga and Katy Perry (thanks Rachel!), it was a lot of fun to see him dance to them. I got a great video of it.

His spoken language comprehension has improved quite a bit, although he still gets frustrated and just won't answer sometimes. He was also great at doing chores with me.

Everything was quiet, except us. I also got plenty of homework done, including reading Altars in the Street. Helped Mom study for some exams too; nursing is no joke.

I also officially came out to mom about bisexuality and polyamory. Thank goodness, it was smooth and fine. While I think she was a little confused, she didn't respond with anger or hurt. She'd never heard of polyamory, so that probably helped. I'm so pleased; it couldn't have gone better.

At least one part of the visit was bittersweet though. Seems that Jay and Margret (Mom's brother and his wife) had the bank forclose on the mill land. I am filled with hurt and rage over this. One of our family properties, the one that actually holds the historic mill that has always been a familial landmark, is now owned by the bank. Just the thought makes me want to cry, and I don't know who to talk to about it. Maybe I should be understanding, but I don't know that I have that in me.

Monday = tattoos! I am going to be getting Shasta Lilies on my neck to cover up that weird S thing. Here are some pictures of said lilies:

Shasta Lilies are native to where I grew up; there, we call them Mountain Lilies. They are my mother's absolute favorite flower. It grows all over my family's land, blooming around the same time as the redbells. Let me tell you, it is a kind of magical to walk through the human-noise-silent pine covered woods and follow the trails of lilies and redbells. To me, they represent the three generations of strong and beautiful women I am blessed to be bred from and to have known in my life. They represent something calm, hopeful... some feeling that exists between the zen of acceptance and the magic of the inland woods. The flowers are also highly resistant to transplant, but are hardy where they intend to grow. It's an allegory for the Gooch family.

From the wiki: "Lilium washingtonianum grows up to 2 m tall, and bears large fragrant white or pinkish flowers that are often decorated with purplish spots. The tepals are 6 to 9 cm long and not strongly reflexed. It is typically found in chaparral, open woods, recently burned areas, or revegetating clearcuts."
Exponential Pint

Born in the USA


On Monday I'm taking a bus over to Redding to visit my family. Mom is going to pick me up from the RABA station around 2:30, and we're going to hang out. I hope we get to catch a meal or something. Then we're meeting Ivan in Burney, and he's going to take me the rest of the way to the property. Mom has to stay in Redding for school for the rest of the week; she says she has some projects and tests she has to work on/study for. I won't see a lot of her.

Griff is going to be in school also, but I'll get to see him in the late afternoon/evenings. During the day, I'm going to try to get massively ahead in my schoolwork for this semester. It will be quiet and beautiful; two things that lend themselves to productivity. I can help Griffer with his homework in the evening (and see where he's at/what sort of work they're giving him). I really want to dye his hair again, but I forgot to plan it with Ivan. His hair will need to be much longer than I expect it is.

On Thursday we're going back to Burney, and Mom's going to meet us there. Mom and I are going to stay in a hotel together on Thursday night, since I'll need to catch an early bus on Friday from Redding. We'll see where she's at, but I'm strongly considering coming out to my mom at this time. We'll have the privacy to talk about it, and I think I stand a better chance if it can be a "just us" sort of talk. While she might, at this point, be alright with bisexuality, polyamory is a whole 'nother can of worms.

Ryan is going to be having a difficult time this week. His ex is getting married. They were together for 15 years, so I expect some variety of unhappy shit is bound to come out. Jeremy said he'd come by; so did Yvonne. I'm worried that won't be enough. *sigh*

The Friday night I return, Christy is having a St. Pattie's party at Murder house. FUN. And whiskey and FUN. I look forward to it! Can't drink too much though, because I've got a CASA meeting that Saturday.

Busy girl doesn't stop, but so much joy is coming my way! On the Monday after I get back, I have an appointment with Dre to get my next tattoo. Hooray! The damn ugly thing on my neck is going to be covered up with a Shasta Lily. I'll write an entry dedicated to it, for it is a personally special flower.
Footprints on the Moon

"...and to the ship that has lead the way time and time again, we say farewell Discovery."

Discovery just ended it's 27 year run, touching down at Kennedy at 11:58 AM EST. Gotta tell you, I've been getting all weepy about this since she went up. The end of an optimistic era.

A couple days ago, Shatner recorded the following over the Star Trek theme, and it was played for the Discovery crew as a wake up message:
"Space, the final frontier. These have been the voyages of the space shuttle Discovery. Her 30 year mission: To seek out new science. To build new outposts. To bring nations together on the final frontier. To boldly go, and do, what no spacecraft has done before."

We did more with her than with any other shuttle. She's been flying my entire life. For me, there was never a time when some kid in the class didn't want to be an astronaut. The earliest science fiction I read was based in the concept that yes, YES, we really can and do go into space. That yes, YES, we can "explore the stars in peace, together, forever." (Bill Hicks). I'm a bit of a holdover in that respect. Most of my age peers don't feel the same way. Space flight is expensive and blase. What I hear the most is "we need to focus on this planet before we go screwing up others."

Yes, yes we do. Why can't we do both? Why do we have to limit our capabilities as a species and a one-mind by choosing only this planet or the galaxy? I believe that the technology that would allow us to live on other planets, to reach them and be at peace, is the same that will allow us to live on our planet in joy and in health; not just our health, but in a healthy and balanced biosphere.

Listen to this, from NPR:

Just a little? Just a little bit of "the right stuff"? Feeling optimistic about our capabilities as a species and as a spirit has gone out of fashion, I think. We're supposed to worry, to be afraid and concerned and fight, but never believe in our better angels.

End article, NPR:

So, Discovery is to be retired to a museum, perhaps (likely) the Smithsonian. It makes me sad, sure... but the idea that there may not be a hopeful next makes me sadder.
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Purple Scream(def)


Alright Diamond, what just happened?

The dancing and music, and expressing to Wendy my fear of attending due to my whiteness. I added on the can't dance to sort of soften the race discussion that was bound to happen. I don't fear my dancing skills; go figure.

Wendy seemed to say or was going to say that it wasn't a problem, that it wouldn't be an issue, or some other assurance. Margi went off on the dancing thing, and then ...

Alright, so she paired up with Donny and says, jokingly, "us whites gotta stay together... OH NO, someone will think that's racist!" Now why am I so angry?

1. I was already in a strange emotional place due to this morning's event. Pre-coffee angry and the surprise emotional blow of Discovery.
2. Insensitive? I am still struggling to discuss race issues, and to understand whiteness as more than this structural racist thing that it is, but how it affects my life and the lives of those around me. It's a vulnerable place to be. I have the expectation that when I show my fear to these classes, that will be respected. Especially by the instructor.

Oversensitive girl is oversensitive.
I think the cohort gets it, I know (objectively) I wasn't the only one going "but I'm white! I can't go to the latino dance/black & brown solidarity thing! I'm afraid!"
And I wanted to address that, because I wanted the discussion to happen, to have part of the cohort feel included and validated in their discussions on race.

12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash

Tampa mom makes son wear sign announcing 1.22 GPA

He is 15.  He had to stand on a street corner with the sign for almost 4 hours.   This was not the first option; the parents "offered help, asked to see homework, grounded, lectured him and confiscated his cell phone."  Obviously, it's made the news because people thought it was excessive, to he point where the mom was reported to the Department of Children and Families.  Honestly?  I think this was a creative choice.  It was certainly humiliating for the teenager, but that's good.  He's already hyper-aware of the judgments of his peers and society, a part of being a teenager.  It's such a powerful force, parents are fools to NOT tap into it. 

Websites may encourage self-injury in teens, young adults.

Hey, look... it has a name now.  -_-

I have never even considered looking at videos for self harm... what, inspiration?  That's not the word I'm looking for.  Once upon a time, I had self-harm behaviors.  No, not just drinking too much - cutting and scratching and hitting walls.  I've mellowed out, and part of that was being able to NOT have to do so.  Somehow, I figured out that looking at images of other people doing the same thing fulfilled whatever chemicals my brain was trying to produce (minus endorphins).  I didn't have to actually do it.  I never thought of looking at videos.

"The analysis of the self-injury content found that 53% was delivered in a factual or educational tone, while 51% was delivered in a melancholic tone. Pictures and videos commonly showed explicit demonstrations of the self-harming behavior."

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of a "how to" video.  Is it better that there are "how to" videos so that some kid doesn't actually kill themselves?  I mean, it is very easy to go too much and too deep.  There's no data on whether or not this might actually reduce frequencies of self harm.  

"The study concludes that the findings about the volume and nature of self-injury content on YouTube show 'an alarming new trend among youth and young adults and a significant issue for researchers and mental health workers.'"  Alright, now you're just full of it.  I don't believe it's any more prevalent than it was a decade ago.  Like so many things in the information age, it is simply MORE visible now.  More and more people are focused on user-created content, a huge leap from where we were even a decade ago.  Younger folks are far more savvy in navigating this world, but they may also not have the experiences WE have which tell us what should be private and what shouldn't be.  

"CNNHealth.com mental health expert Dr. Charles Raison, an Emory University psychiatrist, explained 'NSSI is a young person’s affliction…one in ten will kill themselves. A lot of people will outgrow the behavior.' Raison said that it’s common for troubled young people to share information about these behaviors."

While I don't like the language... well, at least he's paying attention.
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Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

3 owlets! Matilda, Dundee, and Bindi.

I am a very, very luck goil.

For VD:

I got Ryan a card that has a zombie on it. The zombie is holding out it's lungs, and the inside says "you take my breath away". ^.^ I also found an Audubon plush turkey - you squeeze it and it makes turkey noises. Ryan got me a $50 bottle of whiskey in a nice ceramic jug.

Then we went to the IMPS party that weekend. If sex stuff bothers you, you don't have to read it. I cut it, just for you.

Collapse )

In other news, school continues to be something busy and crazy. I keep saying it, but 19 units is no joke. Ryan, the silly boy, keeps asking "Do you have homework?" I keep answering, "Honey, the answer will be yes until Finals are over. I have homework." Every day of the week. It's a minimum prescribed 47 hours of school and homework a week, but you know it takes longer than that. Plus, so much of this semester is group work that there is the additional struggle of making everyone's schedules work together. Thank goodness for Google Docs!

I got an A and A- on a paper for the Philosophy class. I specifically did the writing assignment while tipsy, and did not give it a read-through beyond a basic spell check. My stress level is now adjusted accordingly. While I'm stressed, I will be get A's if I do the readings.

AND I get to work with hawtgothchick on a couple of projects. OOooooo... she's so pretty! It's the best schoolgirl crush I've had in a loooooong time.

OH! I'm a CASA now! I did my CASA of Humboldt training the week before school started (http://www.humboldtcasa.org/), and I just recently agreed to the case. Obviously I can't tell you any details, but I am very excited!

I also have to figure out where I'm going to intern next year. Right now there are two desirable locations. One is a drop-in center in Willow Creek, which I would take the bus to, and the other is RCAA's Multiple Assistance Center. I can get preferential treatment at the second because the directors/coordinators already know who I am. I strongly desire working with a family unit over working with individuals, and there's enough mental health "stuff" that I can segue into County Mental for my Master's year. 10 year plan baby, 10 year plan.

That's a lot of an update, but I'm glad to be back and doing it. Now I need to make some Bra Faerie phone calls.
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Exponential Pint

(no subject)

Mel and Sydney’s eggs have started hatching! Matilda and Dundee! 4 more eggs left to hatch. I’ll be surprised if more than 4 owlets make it to adolescence.

A post over at Sociological Images about the origin of the modern, chewy and rotting zombie. It’s a well done post and plenty geeky for folks like me. If you don’t understand why zombie fic has taken over, then you may want to give this a read. Quite insightful.

I want to write about S. and her drama, but eh. I’ll leave that alone for now. I’m sure I’ll write and cut a letter sooner or later.

AND EEEEEEE I got two tickets to see Gogol Bordello in Arcata! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
coffee of life

Coming back

This, this is going to be a long semester. I need to get back the ability to focus on a task for more than 30 seconds without drifting off. I need to be able to write for long periods of time with effective focus. The more time I spend "entertained" by all manner of instant gratification things, the less time I am able to spend focused on whatever is pertinent and truly interesting. To make this easier on me, I'm going to severely reduce the amount of time I spend on facebook and increase the time I spend on livejournal. It's going to be a bumpy start; fuel line is clogged and the engine hardly turns over. However, I do believe I can manage.

While I do have some personal stuff I really ought to write about, I wanted to start the interview style. tough_doll  obliged me by asking five non-random questions that I can answer at length. If you like this idea, I'd very much enjoy it if you did the same.

1. Where do you live?

For at least the last 8 years, I have lived in Humboldt County, California. I prefer Eureka to Arcata, as so many around here seem to have a preference. I really do enjoy living here. It's strange and tiny and highly interactive.

2. Are you an active member of fatsionistas?

Not exactly active. I post occasionally, and they're usually very superficial posts (OOTDs and the like). I like the community for the range of bodytypes and fashion styles apparent. It's a sort of eye-candy for me.

3. Are the fatsionistas as mean to everyone as they were to me?

I honestly don't know. As I typically post superficial stuff, it doesn't invite people to share their loathing of one another. I don't usually read comments either, so I'm not sure. I expect that some of the comments for your post fell out due to personal issues. Something like the alcoholic who has just had the first epiphany at A.A. being very angry at people who insist on drinking. No one is their best self on the internet.

4. Are you stil doing social work?

I only just learned of a term that works better for how I began: "natural helper". I continue to work in the social work field and....

5. What did you study in college?

....am studying social work. I am in year one-of-three (if we cross our fingers tightly enough) towards my Master's Degree. BSWs are almost a dime a dozen; I need to stand out and I need the skills and education which will get me the opportunities and comfort I desire. I am currently on 19 units and trying not to cry whenever I look at my schedule. My cohort tell me that I am always very happy.


I'm going to make it my plan to update here AT LEAST once a week.  It may be disjointed and not at all clever, but it will do wonders for my poor, tired brainspace.  Feel free to suggest topics!
Pissed bunny

This post is purely rage-anger

So many irritating things have happened to me over the past couple of days that I really, really, really want to rant about them. Of course, a status update wouldn't contain them, so here we go. Most, if not all seem absurd or stupid, but remember that my stress level just keeps rising. I am less able to deal with any little irritating thing.

While not a disaster, my birthday was pretty lame. Good things happened (sushi, Yvonne, monies) but any birthday where you don't get a party and end up in tears AND have to go to bed at 8:30 is high on the lame list.

Day planner I needed for this semester is in the land of disappearing tools. Fuck. NEED. Bought one online, and it might maybe arrive soon.

Still don't have a watch.

All the hassle to assist client in re-homing? Yeah... new home gave up on client in under 24 hours. They suck, Jaz is awesome, but all that emotion for nothing.

Doing that thing meant I didn't get sworn in as a CASA, so it may be a while before I can start.

And now I need reference letters, which I wasn't told.

And can't go visit my mom & Griff this weekend because I'll miss my interview with the Ex.Dir. of CASA.

So I had to call Griff and disappoint him badly. I bought him and HSU sweatshirt with a shark on it to try to make up for it, but it's not good enough. Sad Griff, sad mommy, and mom said there would be venison for me. DO YOU HEAR ME? I missed out on venison & my little brother for this.

Oh, and then there's school. For which I get up at 5:00 AM. I hate 5:00 AM unless I am still awake then. Printed out my class schedule and promptly forgot it at home, so figuring out which classroom I needed to be in was an all day stress. And the walking! Forbes to Founders to Siemans to Founders and back to Siemans. So many stairs. So much huffing and puffing.

The huge list of books I needed? NOPE. They changed teachers when I wasn't looking, so now it's just ONE book. That I had to buy with my birthday money. I have a whole bunch of books I may never read, and more stress than I want. (A good note here - a cohort may indeed loan me the book, but the way this week is going... I'm not holding my breath).

I keep spilling things. Soy, soda, coffee, I keep spilling it. All over the place.

What did I forget to do on day two? TAKE MY SCHEDULE! So I didn't know where the class was, except that it was in founders...

Oh, strike that. Once I had gone into nearly every room on the 1st and 2nd of founders (power walking, even) I checked it online, and the bloody room had moved. TO THE KA. L:KJERPOIUE ROJEI RLKEWJ Screaming power walk across campus to get there late. The teacher hadn't yet arrived, so that much is alright... at least...

I may need to find somewhere else to volunteer if there's nothing with CASA soon, and that stresses me out. Maybe needle exchange? Maybe MAC? ARGH!


Oh, and my door on my car won't let me out. Classy.

Fuck you world. Fuck you.

OH and Ryan forgot to buy soy milk, and bought the wrong kind of fake sausage, so I had a breakfast I hated on Tuesday.

OH and I can't find the nail polish I want to find.

OH and I have to be nice to an individual I can't stand on the best days.

OH and I hate wearing clothes. Hate it. Want everything to be naked forever.

OH and I think my car is going to die.

OH and when I tried to print the syllabii on Tuesday at home, it was the longest argument I may have ever had with a printer. It kept printing nothing at all pages and I didn't know why.

I didn't have any music on Tuesday, so I had to engage all day. Ack. AND THEN, today, the sound from my mp3 player seems to have broken. I expect it to be the headphones. Which means I need new ones. If anything else breaks, I'm becoming a hermit with a shotgun.

I can't drink. I have a cold sore and homework, so I can't have a drink.


So that's how I'm doin'.
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