September 13th, 2011


(no subject)

I'm back to the level of busy that I don't believe anyone understands unless they, also, are at that level of busy, and thus we hardly ever see eachother.  

The newest teacher in the Social Work department, a Dr. Balliro, accused me of being an overachiever, stating "Well, there's one in every class."  It's only been a day, but that word has been hounding me a little... overachiever.  Suggesting that I attempt more than I can successfully take on.  Verb.  "1. to perform, especially academically, above the potential indicated by tests of one's mental ability or aptitude.  2. to perform better or achieve more than expected, especially by others." (   Is that really me?  Am I really a person others expect to do poorly, or to be unable to accomplish the goals I've set for myself?  I know this word can easily be said with positive connontations, but it assumes that I shouldn't be able to do what I set out to accomplish.

That's just not the case.  I do a lot, and I have distinct goals, but I manage to accomplish them.  I think, if anything, the only person who ever lets on that they are surprised is myself.  I'm blessed to have a ton of incredible people in my life who really and truly believe in the power of self-motivation, who believe that "you can do anything you want to do."  While I feel like I'm holding onto it by the skin of my teeth, I never really think I can't do it.  That would be a mind killer.

I finally got a copy of McDaniel's The Endarkenment, and I'm loving it, of course.  Some reviewer on the back says that reading his poetry in particular will "open a skylight in your brain", and I think that's one of the best expressions I've yet heard.  That man's words are a catlyst in my mind, every single time.  I start thinking differently, more creatively, and I feel more attentive to both my internal and external world.  
There was a lady at the bus stop this morning who told me "I like your whole... how do I say that?... I like your whole face style and style."  She told me that big girls sometimes forget that they can look pretty.  I disagreed, told her my general theory on trying harder because we feel we have to, and her eyes glazed over.  Maybe I had that look on my face too; we're poor mirrors, but excellent projectors.  Each of us was expressing an truth we've internalized, and they didn't mesh, and there isn't really a social etiquitte rule for that.  She rode the bus to Arcata, and was bouncing and twitching the whole way.  Face rubbing, moving her arms and hands in tiny jerking motions.  A projector again, my assumption is that she was on something, but I don't know what.  You can do that with way too much caffiene, but she wasn't moving in the fluid way humans move.  Even the akward, the physically disabled, the folks with Parkinsons and who weigh 500 pounds and who have broken bones move in a way we're supposed to.  We look organic.  This doesn't; it never looks organic to me.  It never feels organic.

Halloween is going to fall on a school day for me, on the day that I have Swing Dance.  I'm thinking I really ought to dress up, and will probably re-use the German Beer girl costume for that.  I'm not going to tell any more people than I already have what the Andy&Laurel party costume will be, but it's gonna be something special.  For IMPS, which is fairy tale themed, Ryan and I are going to dress as Shrek and Fiona.  Because that is just sickeningly cute.  For the MAC Halloween party, I'm doing a Cheshire cat again.  Two new costumes; fun times.  I hope you know what you're going to be.

Swing Dance is fun, and Power Step is kicking my ass.  I wasn't able to attend the latter last week, and part of that was because of my head.  I've been having, over the last 2 weeks, some sort of progressive dizzyness.  It's been happening with concerning frequency, this dizzyness when I stand up or sit down, or roll over in my bed.  It was bad enough last week that I was dizzy even when just sitting still.  I think it's getting better now, but I'm a bit afraid of falling over in class.

I think I might actually be allergic to exersize.  No, I'm joking.  Still, I always start develping flu-like symptoms when I start a regiem.  It's a wee bit distressing, and it makes going consistently an internally difficult thing.  I get enjoyment out of dancing, but still not out of exersice.  The up side?  While working out, I'm not massively concerned with all the things I have to do, all the things I have to keep together.  I'm too busy trying not to trip over my feet and where to put them, where to put my arms, how to move and do it correctly.  I really don't like looking at myself in the mirror when I'm doing the class.

There's so much more to write about, but I'm out of time. 

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