June 16th, 2011

Bunjii

So you think you can tell....

Last night, I went to sleep angry. I was angry at stupid internet conversations, and angry at people I haven't seen in weeks, months, and years. The anger kept me from being able to sleep, so I decided near (eventually) falling asleep that I would see the beauty in the next day. I was able to get little sleep, around 5 hours.

While today has had it's share of small frustrations to which I have paid too much attention (e.g. the jerk who parks like one) it has been a uniquely beautiful day.

Today, I was blessed with a range of small, perfect moments, all connected by a general thread of optimism, excitement, and pleasure. There were conversations about pie, cheese, chocolate, peppers, and nothing at all in the grocery store today. There were kind smiles from checkers and workers. There were moments of driving where the other driver was the first to be polite, and there were incredibly purple flowers. There was the motion of short, sharp poetry within the movements of delightful children.

I read a variety of writings by Carl Sagan, and cried. (ETA: HERE, this! Doesn't this make you sad? http://alexpetrov.com/memes/astro/ ). Then, I listened to some, and cried again. I explored my feelings surrounding the death of this universe. I really am afraid, and sad because of it, that I live in a universe-dimension wherein the human race - out of laziness and purely financial concerns - will never populate the planets hiding in the shadows of the stars. I hope still for R. Danieel Olivaw, but I do actively mourn the passing of space travel in my lifetime.

So long as I am a conscious, thinking being, part of me will feel as empty as those spaces between the stars which we will never explore. If a "we" ever does, it will be a people with whom I am unfamiliar. It will be a people with which I do not feel an inherent kinship, and thus, in the arrogance of humanity, it will not be "my people".

The food was well made for a first time, and I received probably more compliments than I deserved. It was tasty, and I experienced a profound joy in feeding people I care for. I also fed them alcohol, laughed at my mistakes, and found this comfortable companionship which I am so lucky to experience.

And now, at this moment, I am listening to those musical compilations which make me feel sad. I am sad in a kind manner to the youth I once was. I am sad for the future. I am sad for the person who once felt this way, and feel an almost desperate empathy for those who still do.

There is still a loneliness in the early AM hours which never has quite left my life. I am glad for this because, as I have grown into a world surrounded by joy and beauty, these early moments still allow me to feel a deep, morose core which will remain part of my being for so long a you and I share breath.

Hey. Love.