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fic: princess leia does not care about you (hp, pg-13ish)

Princess Leia Does Not Care About You, by such_heights and noldo_

Gen, mostly involving Sirius Black and other assorted bods, 5076 words, PG or PG-13 for some appalling language and innuendo of a slashy nature.

To summarise: In which Sirius is a Doctor Who fanboy, James gets progressively more arseholed as the night progresses, and sanity is conspicuous by its absence.

Notes on the existence of: A collaborative effort brought to you by the addled lunacies of the excellent such_heights and yours truly, written entirely in parentheses during a marathon IM conversation. Please blame her for the funny bits and blame me for the less-funny more-misguided ones.

Any personal injury incurred while reading this is Not Our Faults. You probably won't need to know all that much about Doctor Who to read this, but it might or might not help.





Drat you, drat you all. Obviously I have been extremely stupid about choosing friends somewhere along the line though SADLY I am THOROUGHLY UNABLE to do anything about this short of hunting the Doctor down but seeing as how you ungrateful bastards won't even help me I should have to do it all myself which is DEFINITELY NOT ON.

What do you mean, 'what are you going to do now', Moony? OBVIOUSLY I am going to sit here and throw Cockroach Clusters at James's head, because I have already put up my signs about how the TARDIS should LAND HERE RIGHT NOW - PRONGS, are you eating those? Disgusting creature. Hopefully the TARDIS will land here because heaven FORBID the Doctor get it wrong and land in BLOODY SLYTHERIN clearly that would never do so we shall have to prevent this -- WHAT THE HELL PRONGS HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU EAT THOSE NO THEY DO NOT TASTE LIKE PEANUTS! Anyway, see, we have Snivellus dressed up like an alien and if we truss Peter up somewhere in mortal peril the Doctor will think there is something funny going on and APPEAR. OH WHAT SNIVELLUS LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN ANYWAY - OH GIVE ME THOSE, PRONGS, CATCH ME LENDING YOU MY TOOTHBRUSH EVER AGAIN.

On second thoughts it's actually more interesting if GIRLS are in danger, do you think we can get hold of Evans? No? Ah well, we'll just have to get Peter in a wig instead MGHFMFFF MHGFF BLEAH I DIDN'T MEAN 'PUT THOSE IN MY MOUTH' YOU TOSSER. Peter looks pretty damned hilarious with blonde curly hair so that's almost worth it alone - now come on Wormtail, admit it, you look ravishing! And OH MERLIN'S BALLS STOP SCRABBLING ALL OVER ME YOU FILTHY DEGENERATE.

Now all that's left is to go out and wave lights around and shriek about how aliens have taken over Hogwarts and WE NEED A DOCTOR NOW go on Moony, you do that. Also no, Wormtail, that dress does not make you look fat, stop being a big girl -- oh wait, carry on. And OH GOD OH GOD GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM ME YOU BIG PERVERTED SOD WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, EVANS? And some high-pitched shrieks would be just the ticket - no, Wormtail, I did not just pinch you, don't be ridiculous, but that squawk there was just lovely so do carry on PRONGS YOU ARE FIRED FROM THIS ENDEAVOUR STOP DEFACING THE SIGN YOU ARE THE REASON WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. Ahah. Now that time, I did pinch you. And that was excellent, can we have that one again PRONGS IF YOU MOVE ONE MORE INCH I WILL FEED YOU TO THE GIANT SQUID STOP WRITING 'I LOVE LILY' ON THE SIGN YOU PONCY PRAT THIS IS NEITHER THE PLACE NOR TIME--

Moony, get that sign out of his way and wave it around a bit, there's a good chap - JAMES GO MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND GET US THOSE FIREWORKS FROM THE DORMITORY, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO THROW YOU OFF THE TOWER AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

Ah, excellent. Now, can anyone hear a noise? It should sound like 'GRRGH MRPH SWOOSH SWOOSH GRRGH' --- I SAID FIREWORKS PRONGS NOT FIREWHISKY ALTHOUGH THAT ISN'T TOO BAD I SUPPOSE GIVE THAT HERE STOP HOGGING THE BOTTLE YOU GIT. Yes, that's a PERFECTLY sensible noise for a spaceship to make, shut up the lot of you and pass that bottle over. YOU DRANK HOW MUCH? YOU WANTON WENCH. I think I can hear something what is that oh it's just Peter snoring BUGGER YOU DON'T FALL ASLEEP JUST YET you're still sober you can't be allowed to fall asleep sober PRONGS HAD YOU CONSIDERED POSSIBLY LEAVING A DROP OR TWO OF BOOZE FOR THE REST OF US? NO? Pull your socks up, all of you! Jump higher, Moony! Look innocent, Wormtail! And POTTER, YOU LIGHTWEIGHT, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE FALLEN OVER ALREADY.

Perhaps we should all do the theme tune. DA DA DA DAAH DA DA DA DAAH PRONGS YOU IDIOT GET UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STOP SAYING 'EVANS' INTO THE STONES WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO DESERVE IT? What do you mean you don't know how it goes have you not been paying attention to a WORD I've been saying - THE STONES DO NOT LOVE YOU, JUST LIKE EVANS DOES NOT LOVE YOU. I'll tell you what, how about I do the theme tune and you useless lumps do the percussion or something. NO, THE STONES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS --OH BUGGER IT STOP CRYING ON THEM THEY DEFINITELY AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS NOW.

Just - that's it, thwack your legs a bit, very good, ok, now then - YOU WANT WHAT? NO I AM NOT HUGGING YOU, YOU WILL ONLY MOLEST ME. WHAT, SORRY, DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT - I'M YOUR BEST FRGG MMPH? Oh for heaven's sake, c'mere. There there. It's all right. KEEP GOING, THE REST OF YOU! AND NOT A WORD FROM YOU MOONY I CAN SEE YOU SMIRKING -- what was that? Yes, yes, you're my best friend too KEEP DRUMMING YOU TWO AND STOP TRYING TO SNEAK AWAY SNIVELLUS. PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! -- what do you mean, 'you're trying to dump me for the Doctor' SLAND'ROUS INFAMY YOU DRUNKEN SOT.

Ok ok we can all have a good cuddle later, just keep going! NOT YOU, SNAPE, JUST STAY THERE. Oh, that's right, you can't move! Shame. Prongs, you are my only love, don't be ridiculous! But you're going to run off and have red-headed babies one day and I've got to keep my options open. SOD OFF THE REST OF YOU OUR LOVE IS NOT YOUR CONCERN. All right, Prongs, you can stop snuggling into my elbow now, you're drooling on it and it isn't pleasant STOP SMIRKING MOONY YOU PRAT AND WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT 'CRAZED POOFTER' WORMTAIL I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT OUR LOVE IS BEAUTIFULLY PLATONIC AND ALL THAT. JUST KEEP DRUMMING NOW please stop sobbing into my robes, Prongs. No, I don't care that they're tears of joy SNAPE WHO ARE YOU TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT JUST THINK OF YOUR OWN NOSE oh right, you can't actually look any other way, tough luck I guess KEEP DRUMMING YOU BUGGERING BUGGERS.

OH SILENCE, I LOATHE YOU ALL. Not you, Prongs, never you, not even after that one time at the Christmas party, not even after you stole all my underwear - yes, yes, I forgive you for landing me in the hospital wing in Second Year, too, now just stop crying! Yes, Prongs, it's quite all right -- bloody hell you're a big girl's blouse when you're drunk -- it's fine it's fine. Yes, I know I said I was going to kill you for that thing about the secret passage in fourth year but I can hardly do it now while you're sopping all over me so let's just call it quits OH JUST GO AWAY ALL OF YOU I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS BLOODY ENDEAVOUR not you Prongs, you can stay if you want as long as you don't mess up my robes any more, go wipe your face on Snivellus FINE GO IF YOU WANT I'M JUST GOING TO WAIT HERE FOR THE DOCTOR ALL BY MYSELF.

Oh. Oh I see. That's all right, it's fine, I can just sit here and wait. He'll come. He will. [whistles tunelessly] Seriously, you've all gone? Psh, some friends I've got. Yeah. See if I wait around with you lot next time you want something waited for. Pfft. At least I have Prongs and Snivellus to keep me company, and that is a sentence I never thought I would actually say. You hear that?

Prongs, Prongs, what are you doing. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM, LOOK, HE'S TWITCHING, HE'LL HEX YOU - PETRIFICUS TOTALUS AGAIN, SNIVELLUS, SEE IF I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH ANY OF THAT. Prongs, no, he is absolutely not Evans, HOW ADDLED ARE YOU OH GOD OH GOD NO DON'T DO IT STEP AWAY! Prongs, Prongs, I really hope you aren't going to remember this when you're sober DON'T YOU SNEER AT ME SNIVELLUS. OH RIGHT YOU CAN'T HELP THAT. WELL THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXCUSE YOU really, Prongs, Evans has red hair and Snivellus does not and also Evans's nose is not actually classified under 'mountains, medium to large' -- OH BOLLOCKS GET OFF MY FOOT. OWFUCK I AM GOING TO HAVE TO HOP EVERYWHERE NOW. Snape, I'm going to Obliviate you in a sec, you know, now come on, Potter, if you're going to have to grope someone - well, as a good friend, I suppose it'd better be me than him. I'm Obliviating you too, though, then only I will have to deal with the trauma of this evening. DAMN DAMN DAMN bloody foot.

Fine, Obliviated you, Snape, so you can just -- well, thank you ever so much, Snivellus, see if I ever help you get out of a well in which you are drowning miserably. Your death will no doubt be a source of joy to children and small animals. ANYWAY come on Prongs and stop groping me there you twit. NOBODY should have to live with the memory of doing that to Snivellus, not even you.

BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP. Ok. Snape, bugger off now, no one likes you, go garrotte yourself with your own hair or something. Prongs, Prongs Prongs Prongs - no, I did not send him away so we could get some 'alone time' WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU My God we have got to get you shagged this is obscene. Oh COME ON Prongs and stop looking mournful NO I AM NOT DESPERATE TO SHAG YOU, YOU REPROBATE, BUT I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE SOMEONE IS BECAUSE THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE oy Evans EVANS.

Lily. Ah, Lily my sweet, my dear, would you be so kind as to give me a hand? I have in my possession one James Potter, house-trained, good with children, who is currently utterly at our mercy and also rather unmanageable just at the moment. PRONGS GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME RIGHT NOW. Yes, contrary to all appearances, he actually is housetrained, only that doesn't seem to be particularly in evidence right now STOP THAT THIS INSTANT YOU DEBAUCHED MISCREANT STOP IT and, um, and, you can probably see where I'm going with this can't you? Please, Evans, I'm begging you here - he looks so sad, and I'm about this far away from losing all dignity. PRONGS. LOOK. EVANS. HERE.

I resent that remark. I do indeed possess dignity. IN BAGFULS. I POSSESS DIGNITY IN BAGFULS. You wound me, Evans, wound me to the core. NO PRONGS I AM NOT EVANS EVEN A LITTLE BIT THIS ONE IS EVANS THE ONE WHO IS A GIRL. Oh, don't lump me in with him, it's not my fault he hasn't been able to leave me alone for the last six years! I'm a perfectly respectable human being, and much more handsome than this idiot anyway, but come on, look at him - not even a bit endearing? YES THAT'S RIGHT, A GIRL, WITH BREASTS - THINGS I DO NOT POSSESS NOW GET OFF ME. What do you mean, 'you're responsible for the things he does'. I assure you, madam, I have nothing to do with the stuff he gets up to. THE LOVE POEMS ARE ALL HIM. ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT JAMES POTTER ESQUIRE. But honestly, look at his little face, doesn't it strike you as even a little bit appealing? YES. GIRL. GIRL. ONE OF THOSE. YOU LIKE GIRLS. YOU DO NOT FANCY BLOKES. GET OFF ME THERE'S A GOOD CHAP.

Lily, my sweet, if I'd written any of that poetry you'd have swooned at my feet by now. But I vouch that when he's not wankered on firewhisky he does actually have his moments and isn't quite such a sloppy kisser - DO NOT ASK HOW I KNOW THAT - and it is not the embodiment of evil. DON'T BRING REMUS INTO THIS, PRONGS, HIS DEVIANCIES ARE IRRELEVANT TO THE CURRENT DISCUSSION. Oof, you're heavy, now come on, stand up. Evans? Give us a hand here. Look, Evans, my knowledge of iambic meter is NOT RELEVANT to the situation at hand, the situation at hand being the fact that James Potter is about two seconds away from MOLESTING ME if we don't do something about it -- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'LL SIT THERE AND WATCH, EVANS. HMPH -- and look, just help me get this plastered bastard into bed will you NO I DID NOT RHYME ON PURPOSE SHUT UP PRONGS. ALSO I DO NOT FANCY REMUS. WANKER. THAT'S YOU NOT HIM. OR IF THAT IS HIM I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT.

You are a terrible, terrible creature, Evans - OH YOU DID NOT JUST IMPLY THAT ME AND JAMES - NO, NO, I PROTEST! Wait, hang on, Prongs - Remus said what? LALALA NOT LISTENING. What happened to the time when men were men and didn't fawn all over each other as soon as they got a drop of booze inside them - thank you, thank you, Evans, now come on, up you get. There - see? Both of us helping you down the stairs, that's nice, isn't it. Yes. There you go. WHAT WAS THAT? MERLIN'S BEARD NO. I AM NOT SHAG--I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION. Prongs, Prongs, please stop breathing into my ear. Go breathe in Evans's ear for a change, equal-opportunity molestation -- sorry, Evans, didn't mean it. Really. PRONGS YOU ARE A WANTON HARLOT yes Evans I do know that's not a term commonly used for blokes, but come on look at him. PRONGS YOU PLONKER IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME --

I AM NOT HAVING IT OFF WITH ANYBODY AT ALL, AS A MATTER OF FACT - don't really see the need, because would you just look at the chaos this has wrought? PRONGS GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER. Well, that's a little more par for the course, he must be sobering up. OH WOULD YOU JUST WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD. YES I AM PERFECTLY AWARE THAT THESE STAIRS ARE SPIRALLING AND SO ONE CAN'T WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE, EVANS. I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY RATHER THAN GEOGRAPHICALLY -- no, Prongs, Prongs, Prongs, not that. OH GOD MINE EYES. PRONGS GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THERE well this does seem a bit more like him, he's not usually trying to have it off with me-- I HEARD THAT, EVANS. I'll have you know I am exceedingly pleased with my personal life as of this minute EXCEPT FOR THE BASTARD LEANING ON MY SHOULDER WHO SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN WHICH BITS OF THE BODY ONE USES FOR WALKING.

Ok, fine, let's just stop here for a second - yes, Prongs, that suit of armour is looking at you a bit funny, don't worry, I'll sort it out! Evans, it's a bit rich you making snide remarks about the state of my love life considering it's been how long now since you've had a boyfriend? Yes I thought so. PRONGS WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STAY STILL. Now then, are you going to help me get him back or not? I can't promise you won't get felt up on the way - AHA I SAW THAT LOOK YOU MINX. Well then. Onwards! Now, look, Prongs, there's a nice straight corridor here. Reckon you can manage it without knocking every portrait off the walls? Marvellous! I had plans this evening, you know. WHAT WAS THAT, EVANS? NO, as a matter of fact, my plans did not involve ingesting a great deal of chocolate and mourning my utter lack of sensible friends and love life. Although I'll grant that that might actually be appealing after all this. ANYWAY THAT IS NOT THE POINT. Prongs, Prongs, the shadows are not actually trying to get you, I don't care what you saw. Yes, I do in fact possess the patience of a saint, Lily, I am glad you noticed.

PRONGS WHAT THE HELL no that is not a Lethifold in the corner, not even a little bit STOP THAT YOU SHAMELESS RAKE. THE SHADOWS ARE PERFECTLY HARMLESS AND THERE IS DEFINITELY NOTHING TRYING TO HURT YOU THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED TO SEARCH FOR THERE. What did I do to deserve this? DON'T ANSWER THAT ONE, EVANS. In fact, I would much rather just get drunk only SOMEONE drank our entire supply which you are paying me back for in the morning, by the by, and you see, Lily - he managed to pick up one decent friend along the way, he has good taste if nothing else.

YOU AND YOUR PARANOIA, I SWEAR TO- will you shut up for a second I can hear Filch and that really, really is the one thing I do not need right now. Evans, you too! Just shut up. Now hang on, where's the Map - ok, ok, over into this classroom, QUICKLY. Prongs, SHUT UP. SHUT UP. Unless you particularly want to be eviscerated by Filch -- NO IT WILL NOT BE 'MOST EXCELLENT' STOP SAYING THAT YOU ADDLED TWONKER. Evans, I'd love to explain this map to you -- no no, I tell a lie, I don't think I actually would -- but this is not the place and this is definitely not the time. I need a bloody drink, I can't deal with this. SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU FOR MERLIN'S SAKE. HAVE NEITHER OF YOU ANY SENSE AT ALL? Do I have to yell to get it into your head, Prongs, because I really don't want to do that and -- WHAT THE HELL NOT NOW THIS IS NOT A QUIDDITCH PITCH YOU ABSOLUTE LUNATIC.

SILENCIO! Oh thank Christ. Evans, don't give me that look, it's for your own good. Now then. Prongs, sit down there. Fine, yes, ok, have a look here - see, there's Filch, there, and Mrs Norris too. YES OK STOP GIVING ME THE DOE EYES YOU BERK YOU KNOW I CAN'T RESIST THEM. I will un-silence you as soon as they're gone, all right? Now STAY STILL. PRONGS IF YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME I WILL STICK MY WAND IN YOUR EYE AND YOUR OWN ONE UP YOUR NOSE SO THERE. Come on, Filch, you bastard, turn around and go down the corridor. GO. SHOO. Evans, Evans, please do not poke me in the arm like that, it is exceedingly worrying and if you make me jump right now I'll probably knock something over loudly and then where would we be? OK, stop looking at me like that, Prongs, I know we'd still be here. That's what you were wanting to say, isn't it. See, I can make your snarky retorts for you, you really have no need for your vocal chords. Ohhh come on just bugger off - why did you forget the Cloak, why? No, Evans, not explaining what that is I'm afraid. There we go! He's turned! Ok, just wait here five more minutes and we go out. I'm very, very tempted not to un-charm either of you, just so you know. OW THAT WAS NOT NECESSARY, PRONGS.

Shut up, Evans, do. It would be stupid if we ran out right now and Filch came back round the corner -- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR. I AM THE VOICE OF INTELLIGENT REASON. PRONGS YOU ARE A PLONKER AND A GIT OF FANTASTIC PROPORTIONS LIKE A GIT-COATED GIT WITH GIT STUFFING SORT OF GIT. BOTH OF YOU. YOU'RE ALL FIRED. I do believe you two deserve each other.

Right, right, ok, I think we can make a break for it now - IF YOU BRING FILCH DOWN UPON US I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO EITHER OF YOU AGAIN, GOT THAT? Right then. I suppose you can talk again now, there you go. OH SHUT IT, PRONGS. If you don't quit that I'll Silence you again. CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET BACK TO GRYFFINDOR TOWER NOW I never thought I'd say this but SLEEPING would be infinitely better than you two. Please do not invite me to the wedding, it will be unbearable, especially since you will both be pie-eyed naturally. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN EVANS THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO LECTURE ME ON MY SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES. Anyway, Evans, what were you doing out this time of night, hmm? Yes, NO GOOD, I'm sure. So don't you take a swipe at us, I know your secrets.

PRONGS NO YOU CANNOT GO TO SLEEP NOW ESPECIALLY NOT ON ME OH ARE WE BACK TO THIS AGAIN? I SEE THAT WE ARE. THIS IS NOT GOOD. THIS IS SO EXTREMELY NOT GOOD THAT I DO NOT HAVE WORDS FOR HOW PARTICULARLY NOT GOOD IT IS. Evans, you can stop looking at me like that, you know. I'm not actually out to kill anyone except possibly this prat. PRONGS YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER CAD IF YOU DO THAT I SHALL BITE YOU -- oh no Evans that does not mean what you are suggesting it means NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT bloody hell. MY REPUTATION IS SULLIED FOREVER - WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS MY REPUTATION ANYWAY SHUT UP EVANS.

Prongs, Prongs, I am never letting you get drunk again without more agreeable feminine company this is ridiculous. Actually I think I may just never let you get drunk again because right now the only situation in which I would even consider it would be one involving about a hundred dewy-eyed eager-to-please maidens and me being approximately ten thousand miles away from you EVANS STOP SNICKERING. THIS IS NOT FUNNY I AM DEADLY SERIOUS -- NO PRONGS THAT IS NOT MY 'NINJA NAME', WHAT THE HELL IS A NINJA NAME ANYWAY. HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THESE THINGS. HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING MUGGLE FILMS AGAIN I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA - last time, Evans, he went around with his hands on his head for a month impersonating a shark - CAN WE JUST GO HOME PLEASE.

I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I NEVER, EVER WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS 'FIREWHISKY' AND 'JAMES POTTER' IN THE SAME SENTENCE AGAIN. OR SEE THE OBJECTS CONCERNED IN THE SAME ROOM. PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW -- no that was NOT an invitation Prongs if you DARE try doing it -- what was that, Evans? Star Wars? OH GOD PLEASE DO NOT REMIND HIM HE'S GOING TO GO OFF ON -- NO JAMES THERE ARE NO DROIDS HERE AND WE ARE NOT ON TATOOINE BLOODY HELL IS THIS HOW YOUR MOTHER FEELS ALL THE TIME? I now have previously unplumbed depths of sympathy for her.

NO SERIOUSLY SHUT UP PRINCESS LEIA DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

Psh. American sci-fi. Doctor Who is far superior in every sense. What's that, Lily? DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME. DOCTOR WHO IS INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO ANYTHING THOSE YANKS COULD COME UP WITH. Shut up, Evans. TOM BAKER IS UNTO US AS GOD. OR SOMEONE OF THAT SORT. As whoever it was who started Honeydukes, presumably a Mr. Honeyduke of some description I would presume.

What's that, Prongs? NO, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SARAH-JANE SMITH. SARAH-JANE DOES NOT COME INTO IT AT ALL. I am expressing my CRITICAL APPRECIATION for an EXCELLENT work of television EXCELLENCE. This has nothing to do with anything involving that Smith woman. Though having said that she is beyond compare and you are not to say a WORD against her! STOP THWACKING ME YOU KNOB. NOT A WORD, PRONGS. NOT A WORD. Also you can stop dangling off my neck because clearly if you can hang around ribbing me about Sarah-Jane you are not all that drunk SO THERE YOU TWERPING TWERP--what? NO PRINCESS LEIA IS NOT MORE APPEALING BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION honestly Prongs you are blinder than I thought, are you sure your glasses are on? SHE HAS PASTRIES AROUND HER EARS, SHUT UP. Sarah-Jane is heroic and has travelled in the TARDIS which instantly makes her better and- oh shut up. Evans, your objective opinion?

WHAT. What do you mean, 'neither of them'. The whole point was to pick one, and -- OH GOD PRONGS STOP FANTASISING YOU'RE DROOLING ON MY SHIRT. What do you mean, Han Solo? Han Solo is NOTHING, NOTHING compared to an alien from Gallifrey who can travel through SPACE AND TIME, d'you hear me? Would you please stop laughing and help me carry him - though watch out, I think he's close to hurling now. But yes. SPACE AND TIME, EVANS, SPACE AND TIME. AND REALLY COOL ALIEN RACES. AND -- what do you mean, 'Star Wars is more convincing'. DOCTOR WHO IS ART, I SAY. ART SIMPLY IS. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE CONVINCING. No, that was not 'very existential of me', what is wrong with you. Drunkenness isn't contagious, is it? I HOPE IT BLOODY ISN'T -- OH GODRIC, PRONGS, IF YOU SPEW NOW I SHALL GAROTTE YOU WITH MY TIE.

ANYWAY Star Wars is all big poncey effects with no SOUL - I mean, have you listened to the dialogue? Tom Baker speaks the words all humanity needs to hear. EVANS WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING ARE YOU PISSED AS WELL PRONGS FOR THE LOVE OF- DON'T- Oh. You did. That's vile. Evanesco. Where do things go when you vanish them, anyway? I hope it's in Snivellus's shoes -- oh don't look at me like that, Evans, he's a bloody git and not even you can deny it-- what do you mean, 'you're worse'. I RESENT THAT. I RESENT THAT VERY MUCH. BUT ANYWAY MOVING ON FROM THIS SORDID SUBJECT CAN WE PLEASE GET THIS MAN BACK TO THE DORMITORY BEFORE HE DECORATES THE ENTIRE CASTLE WITH HIS SPEW?

EVANS, DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SNIVELLUS? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. Oh, ok, put the wand down, there's a good lass. Prongs, are you still so sure she's the love of your life? There's evil in those eyes... OK OK LET'S JUST GO. Prongs, you are to keep all inner contents inner, understood?

Why does trying to get back to Gryffindor bloody tower feel unpleasantly like trying to WALK from here to London-- WHAT THE HELL NO PRONGS THAT SUIT OF ARMOUR DOES NOT LOVE YOU IT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR NEEDS AND INNERMOST SORROWS PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU SAD DERANGED LOON. ALSO STOP WEEPING OVER IT, PRONGS, YOU WILL CAUSE IT TO RUST AND IT WILL PROBABLY NOT BE PLEASED. WHY ARE YOU SO NEEDY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? No, no, you're getting confused, it's MY mother that never loved me as a child, yes that's right. OH THANK GOD I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS STAIRCASE now up you get, NOT through the trick stair oh you idiot - help me haul him out of it?

That's it. Please, Prongs, try not to accost anything else while we go upstairs? I wouldn't want you to dash your questionable brains out attempting to declare your true feelings for an INNOCENT CANDELABRA which really NEVER DID ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS why yes I am hinting at him, Evans, how did you ever guess -- what was that? No, I don't want to discuss my mother, the old bat. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON. HOW ARE YOUR FINGERS SO STUCK INTO THE CARPET THAT IS RIDICULOUS. Don't make me break them to get them off - oh I'd do it, I'm a man much abused! What? Evans, you are in no way well-adjusted, I do not care about your upbringing, look at the anarchy you've descended into now! Prongs, please. You can make sweet, sweet love to your bedpost all night long - ACTUALLY WAIT I TAKE THAT BACK NO YOU CAN'T - but can we please just keep going? Yes, good, very good.

What was that? No, Evans, I can't say I'm particularly in the mood to talk about my childhood problems -- NO THIS DOES NOT MEAN I NEED PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP, PLEASE KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. Oh MERLIN why have we not REACHED YET --shut up Evans this is in no way 'inappropriate behaviour'. I think I am behaving EXCEEDINGLY RATIONALLY in TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES. Bloody stairs. Bloody blasted stairs -- PRONGS SHUT UP IT WOULD NOT BE A GOOD IDEA TO BLOW THE STAIRS UP. BLOWING YOU UP IS ABOUT THE BEST IDEA I CAN THINK OF RIGHT NOW. But seeing as you have uses occasionally when you're not off your face - EVANS WILL YOU STOP MAKING THOSE LEWD FACES AT ME - I shall refrain. OH FAT LADY, THOU GLORIOUS DAMSEL OF THE NIGHT, NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE YOU IN ALL MY DAYS. No that was not a proposition --EVANS SHUT UP. Password? Password. What is the bloody password. Treacle tarts. No, that wasn't it. Oh, Godric's balls. --THAT WAS THE PASSWORD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SOME KIND OF CRUEL CRUEL JOKE? WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS CHANGE?--oh, that's right, me. Damn. I forgot about that.

ANYWAY Evans can you help me haul this bugger up the stairs, I don't want to do it alone--STOP GIVING ME THOSE LOOKS I SAY. THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. Oh come on, that password's funny, don't deny it! JUST WHERE ARE YOU GOING OH NO YOU DON'T. Help him all the way to the dorm, please? Surely you don't dare leave him alone with me. PRONGS. PRONGS. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL THIS IS THE RIGHT STAIRCASE THERE WE GO. Please just try to climb up it without embarassing anyone it is now arse o' clock in the bloody morning and even the greatest of us must GET SOME SLEEP before McGoogles gives us YET ANOTHER TRANSFIGURATION TEST so there you go. Easy. Easy. OH GOD PRONGS THAT ISN'T YOUR BED THAT'S WORMTAIL'S BED PLEASE DON'T FALL ASLEEP ON WORMTAIL -- THERE. Goodnight, you great bloody tosser. REMUS, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE AND GIGGLING?

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL.

Comments

I've only read a couple paragraphs of this, as I now need to get my ass out the door, catch the bus, and endure six tedious hours of class, but I can already assure you that I am wholly delighted and this is a True Gift to Fandom. This is going to be wonderful and what I've been waiting for all my life, baby, the promise of reading and re-reading it will surely sustain me through the long day, and I think I hear a bus oh shit --
Oh! So so so much love for this! And you two! Oh how awesome is Sirius the fanboy? ♥
Too Funny! Loved it! Nothing like Doctor Who and Marauders combined. :D (And of course a bit of Star Wars love thrown in. hehe.)
I love you so much.
Simply hilarious!


<3
ilu. ♥
Gorblimey, did I really never actually review this? Because I think I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD while reading it the first time, and this is not a thing I do very often (I think it's sort of an effect of several years of practising not laughing out loud on account of how other people will a) wake up and tell me to go to bed, or b) ask me what's so funny, while I am at a complete loss to explain), and, um. Anyway. This is COMPLETELY BRILLIANT and I would tell you both to check yourselves into a nice comfortable madhouse if it weren't for those conversations we've been having recently. :p

Also I have a weird fondness for things told solely through dialogue. Crack though it is, and very very cracktastic crack at that, the narration is really natural and doesn't try to explain too much, the way things sometimes do.
I think I just bruised my liver reading this. Brilliant! I adore Sirius's voice and I TOTALLY AGREE he would be SUCH a fangirl over the Doctor.
martha.

July 2007

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