nemisis_ (nemisis_) wrote,

It's never enough

Title: It’s never enough
Series: And you catch yourself trying

Everything you’re not
It was enough

rating: g


“Where will you go?”

Yunho looked up. His eyes were sad. There was nothing else there, just sadness. The type that crippled you and held you down and broke you, little by little. 



Yoochun knows that they all came into this with their eyes open. Knows that there’s a fine line between who they used to be and who they’ve become. Knows that their careers, everything they are, rides on this knowledge. Knows it. And hates it.


He wonders how much of themselves they’ve already lost. Wonders when he’ll be able to recognise himself again. Wonders if its worth it. 


Most days he lets it go, but some days have him crawling on his hands and knees.   Has him frightened of himself, voice cracking, and desperate to give it all up just so he could feel alive again. 


But some days, when Yunho cuts dance practise off ridiculously early with a gruff ‘don’t come back until you’ve gotten some sleep’, or when Jaejoong lures him from the music room with whiffs of his favourite dishes simmering away in the kitchen, Yoochun thinks he can almost taste home. 


He writes songs, he writes tears and sunshine, truth and lies. Yoochun writes love songs, beautiful ones, ones that makes his toes curl and his heart wrench in that deep place in his chest he thought he had stowed away forever. 


Yoochun has never been in love, but he’s been lucky enough to catch glimpses of it; behind the camera equipment during photo shoots, through a slit in the bedroom, heard it though the floor boards, and saw it within searching eyes and laughter and wondered how long it would take before they saw it too. 


He thinks that maybe love is Jaejoong’s quiet hand on Yunho’s shoulder silencing the leader in the middle of one of his angry tirades. Or maybe its Yunho’s eyes following Jaejoong through a crowd, turning away when the other man looks back to smile at him. 


Yoochun thinks love conquers all, amour vincit omnia, he tells himself, and believes with all his heart that if he thought it hard enough or sang it loud enough, they would see it too.


But Yoochun knows that their lives weren’t made for that kind of love. Wasn’t made for forever. He wanted to protect them. He had to, because Yunho couldn’t do everything, and Jaejoong loved too much, and he wanted to fly them away and hide them in a safe place where the world couldn’t see them. It was only love, just love, after all, and it was so unfair. 


But quite helplessly he finds himself wagering when and who first, and has to bite down on his tongue to stop himself. 




Junsu believes in fairy tales and ever afters. Took him till his teens to realise the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. He’s still convinced in the maybes and what ifs and whose been to the north pole to check anyway. 


Junsu believes in miracles. Babies were miracles. Snow was a miracle.  And falling in love. Love’s the biggest miracle of all.  


You don’t look for miracles, they find you. So when love finds you, there’s no running away. Junsu thinks that it would be like trying to stop flowing water, or catching a falling star.   


Junsu knows that there are greater forces at work. Still, he believes with all his heart that maybe, if god was human too, if he could love like us, could taste it on his fingertips, feel it on his tongue, he would understand.  


But most of all, Junsu believes in himself. He believes in his heart, trusts it above everything else, so that he has the power to look himself in the mirror and not be ashamed. Junsu doesn’t believe in regrets. 


Junsu trusts in his heart, so when Jaejoong slips into his room at 4:45 on a Monday morning, he opens his arms and just holds the other man until he falls asleep, sobbing silently onto his shoulder. 


Hours later, he leaves Jaejoong in his room, creeps into the house, and finds himself listening out for a faint humming in the kitchen, for sounds of eggs being fried and Yoochun’s baritone clashing horribly with Changmin’s falsettos, or the usual “No! Yunho! That sausage’s still raw!”. Giggling, laughter, and maybe something more.  


Instead Junsu hears the loudest silence and wants to scream except he’s much too afraid.  


Junsu’s not surprised when he passes Yunho’s empty room, drawers open haphazardly, suit cases half packed, and clothes strewn almost artfully on the carpet.         


He has no questions, only regrets. 






Changmin doesn’t delude himself with happily ever afters. He likes to think he has his two feet planted firmly on the ground thank you very much, and his head a respectable distance from the clouds. 


Changmin thinks he’s the most sensible one out of the lot of them. Thinks he’s much too old for canoodling and safeguarding which is exactly what his well meaning hyungs deem fit for the band baby. So he doesn’t tell them for their own sakes.  Doesn’t let them in on the little details he’s seen and memorized and stored away silently, like puzzle pieces in the back of his mind.    


He wants to protect them. So he takes their secrets, each lie, every tear, and lets them eat him up inside, and chuckles at the bitter irony of it. 


When he opens his eyes at 4:57 in the morning to the sounds of drawers slamming on his left, and muffled sobs to his right, Changmin thinks that its just his luck, and flips open the covers because who could get a wink of sleep in this racket anyway. 


He stands at Yunho’s door for a full 5 minutes, before the man even notices his presence and Changmin has to swallow the reprimands brewing on the tip of his tongue because what happened, and don’t lie to me and Yunho, you look like shit. 


The other man only gave a twisted sort of grin which looked like more of a grimace and turned from him to empty his desk drawer into the suitcase lying on the floor; and if Changmin looked carefully, he would see that the suitcase was half full and Yunho had nearly run out of drawers to empty. 


Changmin closed his eyes and almost kicked himself for not noticing sooner. 

Lies.  Of course he knew.   This thing that was slowly breaking them apart was right in front of him everything single day.   But he let it slip away. Tricked himself, thought he could hold on to his everything by pretending this was nothing at all.  That it would go away. It didn’t. And now he was paying the price.   


“Where will you go?”


Yunho looked up. His eyes were sad. There was nothing else there, just sadness. The type that crippled you and held you down and broke you, little by little. 




“You can’t leave us”


Looking away, “No, I can’t”


Changmin looked up at his words, hesitated, then strode across the clothes, picture frames and memories scattered on the floor. 


“Then don’t”  


And Yunho looked at him with an expression that made Changmin want to look away, except he couldn’t. 


“Changmin, I’m enga - ”


“I know” He interrupted. Didn’t want to hear Yunho say it. Didn’t want that lie paraded around their home like truth. Like it had the power to break them. 


“Stay. Hyung.  Don’t go. If you stay then we can get through anything”

“There’s no Dong Bang Shin Ki without you Yunho” 


“We’ll still be Dong Bang. I’m not leaving the band Minnie. I’m not leaving you”


Liar Changmin wanted to scream. Instead he said “What about Jae?” 


Eyes squeezed tight, “What about him” 


 “He loves you” Changmin took a step forward.


Voice biting, “So you keep telling me”


If Changmin leaned forward just a little more, he could almost touch Yunho.


 “And you love him”


Suddenly, Yunho crumbled before his eyes.  And Changmin froze because he expected Yunho to fight him, to deny it, as he did before, time and time again. He didn’t expect that wearied, dead look in his eyes. Didn’t expect the tears.


“I love him so much Minnie” Yunho’s hands were curled into fists, as though he were about to take on some formidable foe in the name of love.

Except there was really nobody to blame other than himself. 


“I thought I could forget about him. I thought I could cure myself of him”


Yunho chucked bitterly. His fists were clenched, body shaking with sobs, tears that he refused to wipe away. 


“I’ve been such an idiot. Changmin. Minnie. Tell me what to do”


Changmin looked at Yunho, standing in the centre of a room strewn with clothes, his suitcase and his heart open on the floor, and he wanted to run to him. To wipe away the tears and say hush, I can fix this. Let me fix this. 


But this was out of his control and Yunho was too far away for him to reach. 


So he hung his head and listened to Yunho sob, listened to him fall to his knees, the metallic clang of a ring as it was thrown across the room. 


And Changmin turned slowly and walked away.   He didn’t look back. 





A/N    I’m so so so sorry for disappearing for so long! Just moved country for Uni, and I’ve been so busy trying to get settled in that Yunjae took a back seat! …. Listen to me…. How could Yunjae possibly take a back seat o.O There must be something severely wrong with me…


I love you guys! Thanks for being so patient even though I suck at keeping up =.=


p.s. I’ve posted a one shot up as a peace offering. Hope you like it! *hopes*

Tags: fanfiction, fic: its never enough, pairing: yunjae, series: and you catch yourself trying
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