nemisis_ (nemisis_) wrote,
nemisis_
nemisis_

smile

Title: Smile
Type: Oneshot, but should be read after Dreams
pairing: yunjae
rating: g
Summary: Yunho is holding an engagement ring in his hands and he doesn't really understand.

Extract
And you don't think you've ever felt so far away. Inside you’re laughing hysterically, and you don’t know why, but you can’t stop yourself. Won’t stop yourself.
Because all you wanted was to fall in love. And maybe you already have. But you can’t take it back. Won’t take it back.





Behind your smile is everything she'll never understand.

 

You’re holding an engagement ring and your mother was gushing because it was perfect and oh Yunho you’re so romantic and your father was patting your back like he did when you scored the winning basket and wasn’t she such a lucky lucky girl.

 

And you don’t think you’ve ever felt so far away. Inside you’re laughing hysterically, and you don’t know why, but you can’t stop yourself. Won’t stop yourself. 

Because all you wanted was to fall in love. And maybe you already have. But you can’t take it back. Won’t take it back. 

 

So you made yourself forget. Cut it out of you like a cancer. 

 

You were good at that.

 

This was the right kind of love, they told you. You deserved this. And you smiled and wondered if this was right then why did it feel so wrong. 

This was what you wanted. Repeated it to yourself. The words tasted like gold and silver on your tongue and you’re choking. But you were smiling and they were smiling, and all you ever wanted was to make them proud and was that so wrong?

 

When you were younger and a little less broken, you saw your future through tinted glass and sunshine. A year in service, a nine to five job, wife and kids. A family to come home to and it would be enough. And now you’re crying but no one hears you   because you wanted this. And maybe you’re not that person anymore but this was your dream; lived and breathed for it. And you wondered when the door had screamed shut behind you. 

But you’re not 10 anymore and you don’t know you like you used to. The dream had turned into a nightmare somewhere between the smell of his hair and his cigarettes. And you don’t know how to let go. So you hold on tighter, and it’s killing you both. 

 

You’re not 10 anymore and you can’t have everything. But you want and you want. 

 

She was everything they expected of you. You’re scared and it would be so easy. It was right. This was right, you told yourself. Blinded yourself. Lied until you were swimming in it and drowning in it and forgot who you were.

She was everything you should have. And you filled yourself with shoulds and musts and cannots and made yourself forget (you were good at that) the fact that her smiles tasted too much like daisies and raindrops. Closed eyes. Red lips. Perfect. 

 

And you would smile because this was who you should be. And you ignored the way your hands were too big around her slim waist and awkward. So you folded them away, didn’t know what to with them. And she was frightened, and too small, and you didn’t want this. But you should. And you’re not 10 anymore. 

 

But she’s just a girl.   And she loved you.

 

So you smiled and smiled and you couldn’t remember ever wanting something so badly but not knowing what it was or who it was, or who you were, anymore. 

And you hate yourself for being such a coward. Because you are and it’s all you know. And now you’ve lost everything you told yourself you didn’t want, didn’t need. But couldn’t live without. 

 

 

 



 

A/N Thank you so much for reading this guys ^^  I really appreciate it! Its only my second yunjae, there’ll hopefully be many more to come. 

 

I have decided that this oneshot will be the first of a series of interconnecting oneshots. Please please please tell me if you want me to keep going with this plotline! 

Tags: fic: smile, pairing: yunjae, series: and you catch yourself trying
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