VM // Cliff.  Tawdry.

...you'll be the death of me.

I've officially gone to the dark side and made a Twitter account. If anyone asks it was out of boredom...also so I could befriend the President and LeVar Burton. Because they're badass. Later Lovers. Oh! You can follow me creepily at @thexairwaves
  • Current Music
    Glee // Loser

and I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic...

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life and where it's going. And about writing. Mostly writing. I used to write almost every day even if it was only on here but now I barely write anything that isn't for a class. And free reading has been almost non-existent in my world as of late. But I need to change that, I miss free reading and writing and Sarah Dessen books...a lot. I read Just Listen today for the oh I don't know the millionth time. I forgot how much I love her books, I just get lost in them and I feel everything she writes. I know they're YA books but when I started reading them I was a young adult so I'm entitled. It's a nostalgia thing. It brings me back to when books were an escape from life for me. I used to just leave behind stupid high school drama that I never understood and I got to live as someone else for a while. And lately there's been enough drama that I feel like I'm still in high school. I just expected things to be different after senior year but this past year has felt like a step back. I spent four years trying to escape high school...so why am I the one being dragged back into it? I'm just...at a loss I guess. So now I'm going to try to be more organized and fit in reading and writing and everything else I liked to do when I was younger. It kept me sane when everyone else around me broke down and became cuckoo banana crackers. And right now, I really need that. Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    brand new // mixtape
Gg // Milo b&w

my faith in you could move these mountains I'm driving through...

I feel fairly confident in the fact that no one will read this because well, no one ever did. This is practically my own journal where nothing unwanted can seep in and nothing I want kept private can get out. So here it goes:

My roommate and friend is depressed. Clinically so and has been since before high school. I knew of her condition long before we moved in but here's the thing, I thought she was better. I thought she was doing okay. I thought wrong.

My other friend was recently diagnosed with depression too. She's always had problems but this just added a new layer to everything that she's going through. Her boyfriend breaking up with her was just a catalyst to this new layer of depression. No one here is to blame, she's not to blame.

Realistically I know that it's a chemical imbalance that causes this and that can be remedied with medication and therapy. But here's the thing I'm stuck on, who the hell is going to help me? Who's going to deal with my crazy when I have a mental breakdown from all of the stress that a normal college student has piled on top of my friends breaking down. I know that it's not my responsibility to take care of them, to coddle them, to make sure they get help. But if I don't, no one else will. I basically only know selfish people. Those who admit their selfishness and those who will never admit that they are selfish, I deal with both. I'm a pretty selfless person and I don't say that to sound higher than I am or to make everyone I know out to be a bad guy. I say that because it is my worst quality.

I hate that part of myself that feels like it needs to fix everyone because it's getting me nowhere. I can't help anyone. What the hell kind of social worker will I make if I can't even help the people around me? I can't help my depressed friend, my selfish friends, or my family. I take everything on me, I blame me because it's what I know. Everything that I experience is on me, I'll take it all on my shoulders because no one else is to blame. No one. I should be able to fix this because it is what I do. Except for the fact that lately, I can't help anyone. I should just give up now because it's never going to work. For the first time in a long time, I can't help.

Scariest of all, if I'm not the helper, the bleeding heart social worker...who the fuck am I?

...Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    the spill canvas // teleport a & b
GA // Prince Charming.

so bittersweet by our design...

This has been the year for truly horrible season finales.
I think I've cried over a good majority of them.
This season has been worse than the Tosh/Owen Torchwood disaster.
The one that made me cry the most, Grey's of course.
Shonda Rhimes is seriously trying to kill me.
That is really all I have to say right now.
And yes this was a pointless entry but aren't all of mine?
Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    kris allen // heartless
Gg // Milo b&w

we'll wait it out while the empire falls...let it fall...

Everyone's out living their lives tonight.
I hear them on the floor above me, bass blasting out a mindless tune.
Everyone's out.
And I'm spending my night...I guess morning now watching Felicity.
Don't get me wrong, I chose this. But still.
I keep thinking about all of the things I want and they just all seem so unattainable.
I feel like I should give up before I even try.
Why even bother really?
I'm just...tired, exhausted actually.
Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    we the kings // stay young

kisses under starry night skies talked about in song.

I feel like a secondary character in my own life.
How did it get to this point? Why did I let it get this far?
I miss my old friends, sometimes I miss my new friends too.
Or how they used to be anyway.
Everyone around me is changing, not always for the better.
Usually everything's good, everyone's happy and fun.
Not bitchy and cynical and depressed.
I need a vacation. An actual one.
I don't care where I go just as long as it's not anywhere I've been.
Sometimes I want to scream and yell and kick.
I want to shout and make a scene.
I want what I can't have and it only makes me want it more.
Wishing I could be different hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Maybe I can try a new tactic?
Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    all time low // the girl's a straight-up hustler
Gg // Milo b&w

I never thought that I'd be living on your floor but the rent's high and L.A.'s easy...

My days are essentially the same lately:
Work, class, homework, dinner, homework, watch How I Met Your Mother.
The last one is the fun part of my day.
But sadly I am finished with seasons 1 & 2 so now I just have to go out and buy season 3. (sarcastic)Damn!
In fact, HIMYM inspired the soon to be fun-filled weekend of laser tag at Great Skates. Everyone who's anyone is going. Me, Kaley, Rachel, Cassie, Jess, Alana, Wally, and Alan. And maybe Nate and Gagne...I don't think anyone's asked them yet. Anyway, the schedule goes as follows:

Saturday-day of epic-ness:

Bullmoose Music
HIMYM Marathon
Laser Tag

Alan even promised to "Suit Up!" so it should be pretty exciting. That is all.
Later Lovers.
  • Current Music
    jack's mannequin // holiday from real