i have to rant, not sure why i need to type it down at this moment.
perhaps i am the only one that deals with this. maybe it's a normal thing that is involved in the dynamic between parents and children.
i am not a child, nor do i appreciate being treated as such. even at 30 years old, i still am treated rudely and shushed by my parents when i have an opinion on something. why the hell is that? when do i get to be treated as though i'm not a nuisance or a bother?
the way she's treated me my entire life has affected my relationships even today. i worry about how perceive and think of me. i worry and stress about upsetting others, because i've had to traipse about on eggshells for so long. i'm not very good at walking carefully to suit others. but what the fuck. i've allowed myself to be brought down by others. and she is the main culprit.
i'm the black sheep of this family. i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. my brother and sister aren't treated the way i am. they never have been. some people say the baby of the family is spoiled and treated the best. i can say that's false.
will things change if i get married? or do i always hold the title of being the child? my mom had a brain tumor back in january, it was benign, but since she and my dad were staying with me during that time, nothing i did was good enough. i'd make dinner, she couldn't taste it. my brother and sister would provide dinner, it was the most amazing thing she ever ate. i left a foot print on MY floor. she went ape shit on the fact that i am a pig and can never clean well enough.
she took her anger out on me and because she had just had surgery, i took it. unfortunately, i like to believe i don't let a lot of things get to me, however when you say i'm not good enough, or i don't do enough, i take things like that to heart. i've got the schedule that allows me to take time off to help them with anything and everything they need. i don't do it to receive recognition, but it'd be nice to feel appreciated.
i've never been good enough for her. i never will be. i just wish she'd treat me with respect. not as though i'm a piece of shit underneath her shoe.
my dad isn't much different, but it's because he's required to follow her lead and take her side.
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man, so i probably should have gone to hang out rather than stay at home. I just, maybe I'm starting to pull away a bit from my friends. It's not something I mean to do, they've got their girlfriends now and I just don't want to be a 5th wheel.
even if i'm invited, and they want me to be with the group... i just don't wish to intrude.
is that bad of me?
and our lake powell trip sounds like it is actually going to happen.. i'm so excited to go, but i don't want to get my hopes up because ....i usually get FUCKED when that shit happens.
i don't think i have shown anyone but my parents how much i really want to go, because i don't want to be disappointed.
i'm being a girl, and i wish i would have gone out tonight. but part of me just wanted to stay home.
i just hope it doesn't reflect that i don't want to be around my friends... because it's not true.
it would have just been amanda, kody, chris and myself. but, i think chris should invite the girl he's dating rather than hanging out with me.