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she's pretty and i like her but she's too well, cause i need red flags and long nights and she can tell.

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[ mood | sad ]

I want to say thank you to everyone who had something nice to say. I know I didn't reply but it means a lot.

It's been a rough week. Very rough. My flight was crappy, the lack of sleep sucks, and there are too many people in this house for comfort.

When I was in San Francisco the hardest part was that my grandma was gone and I was so far away. Now that I'm here, the whole thing is surreal. I keep expecting to hear her cough, or to see her coming out of her bedroom. I chose not to view the body before cremation so while I feel good about that decision, I think that maybe that helps keep me sort of in shock about the whole thing.

We spent last night going through boxes and boxes of her pictures. I had never seen her when she was younger. My grandmother was such a beautiful woman. She never talked about things when she was younger very much. I really wish I had gotten a chance to know a little about her past. I found her high school yearbook. It's kind of weird. Class of 1962! Talk about a time warp.

We're having her cremated and dividing her ashes between me, my mom, and my uncle. My uncle is spreading his on his property in Indiana. I am going to get a pretty urn and hang on to mine. When and if I am finally ready to let her go, I will spread them somewhere pretty. I can only imagine what she'd say to me for hanging on to her like this ( (actually I can imagine a heated conversation, I hear her voice in my head even,) but I wasn't ready for her to die.

I don't want to go back to my normal life and have everything just keep going on. I know it has to but I don't feel like it should.

Karen Lee Morwood, 1943-2008Collapse )
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[ mood | sad ]

My grandma passed away about two hours ago. My mom put the phone up to her ear so I could talk to her this evening. My mom and my grandma's best friend were in the room with her when she died. They hadn't taken her off the ventilator yet, her heart just gave out.

I really don't know what to think.

I'm going to be in Dallas from Saturday to Thursday. I'd like to see my girls while I'm out there.
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[ mood | fucking lost and alone ]

They're taking my grandma off the ventilator.

Game over.
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[ mood | heartbroken ]

My mom asked me if I'd be able to go to Texas to see my grandma...Collapse )

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to live through. I don't understand how people lose parents and keep going. My grandma..she was closer to me than my mom. I'm not one of those people who can easily put myself into someone else's head, but I can with my grandma. We're so much alike it's ridiculous. I know that people probably think differently when they're facing death. I am terrified. I am nowhere near ready for this. I'm not sure if she knows how much I love and appreciate her. I'm sure she does, I never say it but we have such an understanding of each other. It's why I left her alone most of the time she was in the hospital. But I called her the day before they moved her to the ICU, the last time she was able to take a phone call. I don't know why, I'd told her I wasn't bothering her until she went home and she was supposed to go home that week. I just wanted to hear her voice.

Really, I just want to hear her voice. I want to tell her I love her and tell her how important she is and thank her for making me who I am. But she knows I feel all of that already. I'm really just glad that she knows. I need her to tell me not to be scared, though. And that she isn't scared either.
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Cuteness overload. [052408.0216pm]
I would like to introduce Icky!Collapse ) He is already so spoiled.

Do I still exist?
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[ mood | confused ]

I have two options right now. I can follow my brain or follow my heart.

If I stay in San Francisco, I'll live in an awesome city which I love. But I feel trapped in my life.

If I move to Oklahoma, I can get things together and get my license back, save money and finish school. But my family drives me bits after too much time and I don't want to fight.

What to do?

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I need to stop having nightmares. This one was nuts. I dreamed I had a step father, and siblings. We had stairs in our house and the steps opened up into a tiny space. He was going to lock is in there before he killed us. I managed to grab Zoe and escape. We were trying to stay hidden in the neighborhood. We went into this building that was like a warehouse. A lot of people lived there. It was like the inside of a gym locker room. I couldn't leave in case he found me but luckily we could buy food there. I was running out of money though. For some reason I was sneaking around to meet up with my mother but it was scary because I was terrified of being found.

That's about when I woke up.

Oh and. Eric Bana has weird ears.

[ mood | thoughtful ]

When you're a kid, you're taught to believe in fairy tales and happy endings.

How are you supposed to adjust to the fact that there aren't?
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[ mood | sick ]

So. Yesterday turned out pretty good. Jamey and I went and saw Definitely, Maybe. Now I usually am not one of those girls who likes chick flicks, but I wanted to see this one and it was really cute. The plot was very different than I thought it would be and the end was pretty predictable, but yeah.

Before the movie, I got in a lovely fight with Brian. Although he probably doesn't realize that I'm actually mad at him and not just being a bitch, but whatever. I really, truly, honestly don't even know what to do anymore with this situation. I feel like he's trying to piss me off on purpose but maybe I'm just constantly being paranoid and defensive. Either way, it's not good and it makes me sad that we are how we are.

After the movie, I got way too fucked up at Beauty Bar. It was amazing until I woke up this morning. I don't know, I pissed off a good friend and probably made a minor ass of myself, but I think everything can be fixed. All in all it was a great night.

I love this commercial with the lizards dancing to Thriller. I just cut my finger open with a butter knife. Ouch.
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