March 13th, 2021

Desert Rose

Some days are worse than others

Today is a really tough day. I literally can't seem to even remember what date it is any more. I can't figure out what to eat even though I'm hungry. I can't even seem to use the computer properly — I keep closing tabs when I don't mean to. 

I didn't eat breakfast until 1 p.m., and it's past 3 p.m. now and I haven't even gotten dressed yet.

I would think that I was having a stroke or some other serious neurological issue. But I know that's not the problem.

My friend who called me at 9:30 a.m. (and woke me up; I'm usually up much earlier than that, even on a weekend) thinks I'm depressed. I know that I'm not. I know the difference. I have been very seriously depressed in the past, when there was nothing really wrong in my life but I was still not sure that I even wanted to still be in it.

This is different. This is discouragement and grief. Near-unemployment, low income, loneliness, and longing for things to get better. Besides so many other losses, three friends have died in the past two months, elderly ladies all, but I still miss them and mourn for them. Of course, due to pandemic precautions, I wasn't able to see them over these many past months. 

Elderly ladies as I myself will be someday, if I'm lucky to get that far.

I'm going to get off the Internet soon, get dressed  and either go for a walk, do weeding or both. Just as I finish listening, one more time, to Nina Simone's brilliant blending of two songs from the musical Hair, "I've Got No/I've Got Life."