As some of you know, things at home have been hard. Aleister and I have been pretty miserable...
Well, tonight we broke up.
WE ARE OK.
We are going to continue to live under the same roof.
We are going to continue to raise our son.
We are going to continue to be best friends.
We love eachother.
But we both checked out of this relationship in one way or another a while ago. We both buried the ugly truth deep. We both lied to ourselves and to eachother because we were fearful of the truth. We paid for our lies with gallons of tears and hours of fighting. We both feel broken...
Beyond the mutual feelings of hurt and loss and heartbreak is another mutual feeling stronger than all of those things combined -
the staggering amount of love we both have for Salem. The kind of love that makes us strong, that makes us able to make this really hard choice knowing that we are still his parents and that we will do right by him.
Aleister and I are going to be ok. For me, in a big way, this awful difficult choice has brought with it a sense of relief.
In other ways, if feel like a failure a bad mom and a horrible partner. These things will pass.
For now, I need some support. I need some patience. I need to get out of this house and breathe a little.
I know things will be ok. I know we are making the right choice for us. Still, I can't keep the tears away. I need a shoulder to cry on.
Today I got a giant box of crayons to go with my new dinosaur coloring book. I opened said giant box of crayons and pulled them out to look at all the color names (like you do), and WTF Crayola? Outer Space? Manatee? Timberwolf? Inchworm? Fuzzy Wuzzy? Bittersweet? Tumbleweed? BEAVER? They have named a color beaver.
And the crayon sharpener that came with the box looks like a dildo.
I give up one bad habit and inherit another....fucking story of my life.
I have been smoke free for 5 days and I hate it. I quit(3rd try) because I have to. Because I refuse to revolve my life around that again. Because I have a son to revolve my life around instead and he is much cooler.
Not smoking is really hard for me (and all other smokers)
It's my 10 min of quiet. It's my occasional lift. It makes wine taste better. And coffee taste better. I like it.
I will probably like it until it gives me cancer and kills me. But I don't like it more than I like my son.
So, instead of spending my quiet time on the balcony with a glass of wine my ipod and a clove, I've been spending my quite time collecting art off of www.ffffound.com with my new laptop.
I gave up cigarettes for a portable computer. I wonder which is more addicting.
I hope everyone a year of peace and fulfillment.
I hope everyone a chance to make new mistakes and discover new joys.
I hope everyone a happy new year!