day 256. it hasnt even been a year. it feel so much longer, though.
ich finde berlin gut. berlin is good. aber ich bin immer muede hier. but i am always tired here. ich muss pissen. i have to pee.
something about this font puts me in a theatrical mood. perhaps this is why i should stop writing poetry in livejournal entries. perhaps this is also why i should go pee and go to sleep. seriously, though, german is the best language ever. i dont care what anyone says about dem bullshit romance tongues. i can MAKE my own words. this is fantastic fun. it is like legos except with LANGUAGE. awesomeness rating=high!
i crave peace.
225. i feel distanced from myself. the me that i know is me, the me that works hard, cares for people and falls in love, the me who is good and deserves the good things in her life is not the me i wake up to, dissapointed to reach conciousness to have to move and think. i watch a lot of movies now. germany is beautiful but i am so far away. sometimes i love myself like a small child, a pet. but in the moment it is anger and hate and frustration. i feel so alone.
hey all who still read this!
today is the night of my 121st day binging AND purging free. on day 100 i got a new tattoo. this one is of fish scales on my left arm, cover some of my more prominent self injury scars. symbolize growth, protection and never forget. my fight with eating disorders and what has been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder isnt over by any means, but i cannot disown my past. i have to accept it and love it for what it taught me, and for making me the person i am now and will become. no regrets, but i also have to cut the strings holding me back. i cant live in the past, i cant wait to start living until the magical day when i am thin and nobody hurts me anymore, because the two have nothing to do with each other. people will always hurt me, but i dont have to let it stick how it does. i dont have to control my emotions in order to handle them. my new therapist says that all these neuroses are monsters in the back of the "bus of life" that i am driving. they are telling me what to do, how to drive, where to go, and there is nothing i can do to stop hearing them, but it doesnt mean i have to do what they say. "oh, so you want me to turn left? that's nice. id rather not, though." i laughed when she said it. its not so simple when i have anxiety attacks trying to get dressed to go out on saturday nights, so scared of my body and people in relation to it. scared of flesh and size and weight. there is so much less of me to own when i let myself give in to my disorder. so much less confidence and pride to have, and it can be easier that way. but this isnt all i want to be. im going to germany in two months, i want to learn and play and love and see and not be hindered by dinner or lunch or my fucking love handles. i want health. i want my stomach to heal and my teeth to heal and my throat to heal. i need to be nourished, and im the only one who can give it to myself. so, hey eating disorder, you're still a part of me and that's ok. but you arent all of me. there's more to me, more parts i want to grow through experience. and i dont feel so much when you're driving. and yea, sometimes i miss it like hell, but im ready to take the leap to be happy and healthy.