June 3rd, 2007

Q & A

Ryan's senior recital extravaganza was tonight. it was really, really good. I think everyone is at an afterparty right now.

I will say this: being socially deviant causes me to define my worldview more concretely, and frequently, than I might if I weren't constantly answering questions. Why don't I go to the afterparty? Because I don't like being around drunk people, especially when they're my friends, because then I judge them.

This is unrelated. but. I have a few hypothetical interviews with people in my head, with answers at the ready. The questions, posed to me, are all very direct.

"Why, months ago, did you turn cold and pretend not to know me?" Because I felt how easy it would be for me to become emotionally attached to you and I didn't want to.
"Why be purposefully, destructively vague?" Because I had to do something, and that was safe.
"Why, right after we had our first and only conversation, did you suddenly withdraw into yourself as if in warning against deep and complicated mental baggage?" Because I had considered how I was acting at the moment and was dissatisfied, and I am masochistic.

I am not actually masochistic.

Corey brought his posse to the barbecue yesterday and they jammed a little bit on guitars and that thing, the keyboard you blow air into. posse included one of his friends whom I dislike intensely, because of a comment he'd made about someone I would defend to the end of the earth. anyway just to make my life cinematic, without even knowing it, how kind of them, they played "Comtine D'un Autre Ete: L'apres Midi" from Amélie. cut to recent flashback:

At Joshua Tree the lot of us convened in the "Santuary" (big six-sided room) one evening to hear some speakers. We were early compared to most of the others. there were two pianos, one on each side of the room, and a girl was playing. I listened for a little bit and then I said, "This is one of my favorite songs in the whole world." and Quentin was attentive, and Kyle looked into me.

anyway here it is

tell me your secrets I will keep them safe inside me

Oh yeah. Yesterday while walking up toward I.V. from the lagoon bench, I felt for the first time that in a year, not now yet but in a year, I will most likely be mentally ready to move on from undergrad college life. without missing it immediately. Maybe the constant flux of kids around me– that is the cycle of fresh young shallow people coming in all the time– coupled with how stagnant popular attitudes seem to remain, are finally getting to me.

ChillaVista is today all day, just follow the music!