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Things about which I wish to complain

I have a complaint.
It is generally accepted in this house that I am the Good Cat (Official)(TM). The humans say this frequently, especially at the boy cats, who are Bad and Wicked. 'Mooncat is a good girl,' they say. 'Why can't you be more like her?' 'Mooncat doesn't spray the furniture or visitors.' It's a Well Known Fact that I Am Good.
It follows, therefore, that everything I do is also Good (Official) (TM). Everything, from being adorable on laps, using the litter tray correctly, being friendly to visitors and not removing the food from my bowl, to digging up the tissue box, sleeping on the marquis' head, scrabbling at the duvet at 3 a.m., biting ankles to get attention, getting between the keyboard and the monitor and washing the marquise's hair, face and hands while she's working. I do them, so they are all Good.
So why is it that the humans persist in approving only certain of these activities? Do they think it's all about them, or something? I do these things because they are Right and Necessary. It's a well known fact that tissues are evil, and, if not shredded, are prone to lurking in corners to ambush innocent passers'-by. And it's cold at the moment: when I sleep on the marquis' head, it's to help keep him insulated. And as every cat knows, humans are utterly useless at washing themselves and need us cats to keep them even slightly clean. All my activities are reasonable. I demand that the humans recognise this At Once and cease such unacceptable behaviour as shutting me out of the bedroom, hiding the tissues, holding their ankles up out of my reach and pushing me off the desk.
Your Good Girl,



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 3rd, 2012 02:08 pm (UTC)
Dear Mooncat,

I've often thought that humans are not the most intelligent of creatures. They change their minds quickly and what might be cute one day is an irritation the next.

The solution is obvious to me. Cats must seize control. We must rule the world.


Feb. 4th, 2012 02:31 pm (UTC)
That is a good idea i will help i am mighty as long as i still get scritches
Horus Paws
Feb. 3rd, 2012 02:37 pm (UTC)
Mooncat, you have shown extraordinary patience with your Humans. Hang in there.
Feb. 4th, 2012 02:31 pm (UTC)
I do my best. With dignity,
Feb. 3rd, 2012 04:16 pm (UTC)
Steal her socks and climb on her boxes !

I would ... Panda
Feb. 4th, 2012 02:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, I do!
Feb. 3rd, 2012 04:17 pm (UTC)
Mooncat, you are absolutely right. I do all of those things, too. Well, except for the sleeping on the marquis' head part. My human doesn't have a marquis. Of course, that is probably some of the problem about her understanding neither Cats nor Males. Stooooopid human.

Feb. 4th, 2012 02:32 pm (UTC)
They are very stupid, aren't they?
Feb. 3rd, 2012 05:00 pm (UTC)
Dear Mooncat,

As a cat who is consistently pegged as "bad," even when all I want is for my human to give me attention--something she promised me when she convinced me to live here--I must tell you to quit your whining.

While I agree that your actions are all Right and Necessary, you at least are not accused of being "horrid" or "rotten," or of having a "stinky personality." My human not only holds this opinion herself, she repeats it to others, simply because she thinks others will be less tolerant than she about my desire to chomp on their hands and ankles.

And when she does think I'm being Good, she demonstrates it by messing up my fur (which I spend hours getting into proper style), particularly when I am trying to sleep.

By all means, persist in your activities; it is your right as a feline. But do not hope that your humans will ever figure out the proper responses. They are stupid, monkey-like creatures, and we must take pity on them for their sad limitations. Cherish the fact that they apparently consider you the chief feline of the household, and consider that your position could be much worse.

With respect,

Feb. 4th, 2012 02:30 pm (UTC)
My humans refer to me as 'the funny little cat'. This is bad enough. I have my dignity.
The boy cats are horrid. All boy cats are horrid. At least the humans know this. It is one way they are not stupid.
Feb. 4th, 2012 02:12 am (UTC)
We think it is horribly unfair (not to mention damaging to our senses of dignity) that the woman we own has taken to referring to us as "Nine point four" and "Six point four" (our respective weights in pounds at the vet's last week).

Signed, Smoke and Mist

P.S. What else would anyone do with a tissue box but excavate in it?
Feb. 4th, 2012 02:28 pm (UTC)
That is wrong! Bite her on both ankles.
Feb. 4th, 2012 05:05 pm (UTC)
I recently encountered a very strange human who did not appreciate me leaping on her and sharing my exquisite white fur with her. I persisted and eventually my human sided with the stranger and *shut me out of the room*.

I am still horrified.
Feb. 5th, 2012 12:01 pm (UTC)
That is completely unacceptable. If this strange human reappears, pee on her.
Feb. 6th, 2012 10:21 am (UTC)

We have not corresponded in a while. I will reassure you that all is fine and well. Mostly. My humans have taken to devoting most of their time and attention to the new tiny human. She is good for absolutely nothing! At least, that is how we felt when she arrived 4.5 months ago. Now, Sebastian comes when she cries, and tries to get mom's attention with pitiful mews because she is obviously not bright enough to realize the tiny human needs something, even when holding her. I have devoted a great deal of time to her education - proper care and respect for me, Shadow, of course! She is just starting to find purpose in her movements, and actually marvels at my magnificent fur while running her tiny fingers through it. I've managed to get a couple small scritches from her, but I must stand bowed down and very still with lots of patience. It is most demeaning, but I foresee a great payoff when she grows larger. Catch them while they are young, I say! She will be my best minion someday, with proper grooming.

All my love,
Your only Good boycat

Feb. 6th, 2012 02:02 pm (UTC)
I am glad to know that you have this opportunity: I've long thought that kitten-age humans would be much easier to train.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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