i think i've realized for the first time ever, or the first time that i'm actually willing to admit it, that i have trust issues. i always think that people will bail out on me and that no one cares enough to do things for me or put time aside for me. i feel like i don't really matter to anyone and that i'll never really have friends. but, suddenly, i have two. two best friends. that talk to me on a daily basis. that actually care that i'm ok. that actually want to see me and spend time with me and it makes me feel so incredibly fulfilled but so incredibly insecure at the same time. am i good enough? what do i have to do to keep them here? do i care too much? should i jus assume that they'll leave? it's so hard for me to trust people. not to open up, but to actually think that someone will be there for me in and out and actually mean it. but i think i've found it. and i hope i can keep it.
I think there's one thing I've finally realized about myself: No one knows anything about me. Or rather, no one knows everything about me. I am unable to share what is really going on. I'm unable to tell people why I'm upset or that I am even upset. I think I have too much of a maternal instinct. I need to take care of people, maybe so I don't have to take care of myself. But if someone else is upset, I can't find anyway to feel upset myself because I feel like I need to take care of them before I take care of myself. I don't remember the last time I sat down and jus took care of myself. I live a life of lonesomeness and worry. Not to say, that I'm lonely when I'm with the people I care about Just that it sucks when no one knows the real you when you can't get anything off your chest. And I worry about everything Even when everything is going right I have to find something to worry about. I no longer know how to live a carefree existence.
I was thinking a lot about the things that people don't know about me, the things that I only know about myself. And thinking maybe, if it would help me, I could post them here. And then everyone would know without me really having to ever say it And I was about to do it. That was the whole reason of this post. I was gonna make a series of life events that are still present in my head, that I don't think I've ever shared with anyone. But I'm chickening out for now. Maybe some other time.
I don't even know what to write here. All I know is that I'm getting back to normal. I'm not as miserable as I was. I had a hard fucking year, one that only about one person (aside from my family) know the extent of. I don't think many people could relate to it, atleast not many of the people I know. But i'm finally coming out on the other side. In exactly 10 days, all of my most horrible fears and troubles will come to an end. I will be placed back on my two feet. I have never felt so fucking excited for anything. I haven't felt like myself in so long, and I'm jus glad that I'm getting back to who I always was. I was afraid that I was jus going to be shell of the person i once was for the rest of my life. Now I look back on it all, and realize that it was bad. it was fucking horrible and tragic but I got over it, and my mother always said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and maybe it's a lie people tell themselves in order to feel better, but I think I'm a stronger person than I was a year ago. I freak out over little things. I'm paranoid as hell, and I panic about stuff that I shouldn't be worrying about. Sure, I have barely any money. Sure, my parents are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. Sure, sometimes I hate them and I don't wanna be here anymore, but the thing is, that they have always taken care of me, and I know they will do whatever they have to in order to take care of me. I thank god that I haven't grown up in a family where "i love you" is never said. I don't think there has ever been a single day in my life where I wasn't told that they loved me or I didn't feel it. I can't stand that some of my loved ones are put into lives where this is the case, and I wish I could whisk them away from it all because let me say, my friends are the best people in this world and deserve nothing but the best. all I can say is that I won't always have the answers or solutions but I know how it feels to hide everything, and put on a strong facade and never tell anyone how it feels. And I want to tell you all to never do that with me. I will always be your shoulder to cry on. I will always listen and be there to pick you up and make you laugh when you're down. If you ever need a safe-haven, you can always come to me. I know I have pushed many of you away in the last year, but I think you should all know that it was for the best. It was what I needed at the time, and you may think me a shitty friend, but I needed time to get over all of the tragedy that had struck me. I'm still not fully over it, but I jus keep thinking about my future, and how I want all of you in it.
tomorrow will officially be my last eventful day of summer. after that, for the next two weeks, i will be working my ass off to save money for books and other nonsense. so let's hope this concert lives up to the final bash of my summer days. i doubt it will. and this sucks. where the hell did my summer go?
a question for those of you who actually pay attention to this:
if there is one person in your life that you think about 24/7, that you want to spend more time with in this entire world. you can't stop thinking about them for more than a few minutes and you don't realize how much you miss and need them until they're gone...
how long could you go without talking to them? and if say, you went on vacation, would you take two seconds out of your lengthy trip to give them a phone call?
i can't sleep. this sucks. i don't know what it is that keeps my mind running when it shouldn't. i'm becoming severely depressed over things that i know will change in time but i jus wish that they would change now. i woke up this morning, and started thinking. not prompted by dreams or anything else that i know of but thought of how much my brother and sister got before me. they had things handed to them. or they had the money from my great-aunt Edna to buy those things. and then there's me. i'm broke and so are my parents. and it jus sucks. i always get stuck with the short end of the stick. i jus keep telling myself that it's not too much longer. that i only have to get through 6 days worth of classes without a car. and then i'll have my very own. it'll be in my name and i can do whatever i want with it. i jus feel like i'm losing myself in all of this mess. i don't feel like me anymore..
"Time Passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
i may seem terribly co-dependent at this moment in time, but i'm feeling lonely. and going a little crazy jus knowing that i can't wake up and call him. and i am missing my friends too much. it was so normal, so fucking wonderful, to be with them and feel like i belong. they are the best friends i could have ever asked for. i love you guys.
