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[07 Sep 2004|08:11pm]
i lack the confidence that you sport so well.
10 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

her heart was permenantly stiched to her sleeve [05 Sep 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

lastnight i slept at christina's and we watched requiem for a dream

jared letto and jennifer connelly are amazing together.
the art direction in that film literally took my breathe away.

im suck a geek for a good film.

the soundtrack
christina said she'd burn it for me.
she wouldnt let me borrow it.
cause its that good.

oh yeah,
im fucking sick.
who gets sick at the end of summer/start of school?
stephanie aiello...
thats who.

apparently i kept christina up all night due to my sick snoring.
i never snore..
its the sickness i swear.
i tried to stay awake once she told me...
so she could get some sleep.
im a real good friend.


school is coming fast...
too fast...tuesday.
im not sure if im ready...
im beginning to panic.
at least summer school was good prep for me.

semester one
co-op [2 periods]
media studies english [11]
anthro [11]

semester two
ceramics [11]
math [11]
unniversity english [12]
photography [11/12]

yes im in grade 11 and 12.
i hate that.
why did i have to get so messed up last year?

good news...
i finally got my mark for grade 11 unniversity english, that i took in summer school...
i really wish it was higher.
88 percent is mediocre

also, my locker number is 218
[just some random information for you all]

my mom did get that job at my school.
but its nights...
so ill never see her.
its more money for us...
and her foot in the door...
and benefits...which she needs.
the hours do stink, but thats life.

i hope kids dont make fun of me cause my mom works at Stamford Collegiete...
and im a student there.

my moms pretty wicked actually.
so friendly and funny.

im still real upset about the other day.

<3 steffi
15 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[02 Sep 2004|09:10pm]
i feel kind of cool.
ive gone out with a friend TWICE this week.
monday=coffee and conversation with kristen.
thursday=tea and cigarettes with christina.
and saturday night im sleeping at christinas.

i feel like i have friends...
this feels nice.

kristens boyfriend = my friend kevin
keeps telling me how much kristen talks about me...and how much she likes me...

kevin says:
kb is like in love with you...everything is steph said this...steph did that...im asian...i love steph.

how flattering.

<3 steffi
8 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

no pictures...i need new digi cam batteries...15 bucks. psft. [01 Sep 2004|08:53am]
C ended up winning.
dont ask me how.
i like big hair.

so i went to Picasso's instead of Sebans lastnight.
a girl in there had a haircut that i really liked.
so i said i wanted hers.

did i get hers?
what did i get?
something shorter.
so now i look like a boy.
its really really ugly.
i look hideous.

i think im going to buy that Hair & Mane shampoo that christina uses...
its supposed to make your hair grow faster.
its for horses and people. heh.

i have to work again today...
fucking run the store myself.
im so sick of work.
im so sick of everything.

im either real sad...or real tired...its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
i blame christina...its her fault.
she called me late lastnight and made me talk to her.

i almost had a heart attack yesturday.
i was stunned/shocked/hurt.
good thing i had my journal handy; my journal that caleigh gave me.

i went to register yesturday morning before work
they fucked up my timetable.
it was blank.
2 1/2 hours later
i get my timetable..
but it needs to be fixed.
i have an appointment with guidance tomorrow morning.

my mom is up for a job at stamford...
at MY new school.
good thing its on nights...
she'll still find ways to embarass me
and find out what im up to.
awh mummy <3

<3 steffi
2 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

aye, bee ou cee [29 Aug 2004|03:40am]
i really cant stop posting. i love my livejournal so.
aye, bee ou cee

a b c
which do you think would suit me?

i really dig the dye job in A...i want that...but with a lighter, less brassy blonde.
ive had C...kind of.
C is like the style i had a few months ago.
it was cute and big...

im just desperate at this point.
i want to look real spiffy for school.
new school. new people. new start etc.
i want to be a new person...

i know it takes more than a haircut...
but unfortunatly...looks matter.
sometimes anyways.

honestly, when my hairs good, my face looks decent.
therefore, i feel real good.

help me feel reaaaaaaal good.

<3 steffi
20 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

peacefully i surrender [28 Aug 2004|06:36pm]
i hurt all the time.
when will this stop?
if this is life...
then im not cut out for it.
i just dont have what it takes.
3 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

i am witness to your beautiful voice [28 Aug 2004|10:47am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

do it. do it.

1. name:
2. age:
3. where on earth do you live:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what have you been listening to lately:
6. do you enjoy reading my LJ:
7. if so, why:
8. interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love at the moment:
10. favourite destination:
11. favourite quote:
12. will you post this in your LJ:

1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a band, song or album:

post a picture of yourself:

<3 steffi

7 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

dream a pretty dream tonight [27 Aug 2004|04:11pm]
i got a sepina!
i have to appear in court.
me and my step dad do.
because our house got broken into back in june.
and he stole our stuff.
they caught the guy, so we have to go to the trial at the end of september.

im going to wear a big hat and jackie o sunglasses so sean arther murry [the robber man]
doesnt know what i look like, so after the trial he cant come after me and murder me...
although being murdered might be neat.

i wish the stupid olympics would go away!
im so sick of them.
beach vollyball is an olympic sport.
whats next?
sand castle building?
cause if it is...im going to win a gold medal for canada in that.

i had a dream about my friend patrick lastnight.
it was a weird/great dream.
in the dream he and i were really good close friends, and we were cuddling
and acting silly on my bed and he kissed me.
and we both liked it a lot.

we arent really good close friends.
and i really wish we were.
i like him a little bit.
he doesnt like me.
he likes "independant girls" and apparently thats not me.
he likes everyone but me it seems like.

i guess ill have to just keep waiting...and waiting...

ill be with someone one day...right?

i have to go get ready for tonight.
going to see the midway state again with bree off_by_heart.
im all sad now...because of that damn dream.
i hope tonight cheers me up.

<3 steffi
1 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[25 Aug 2004|05:54pm]
i have a craving for blonde.

scrunchy face

tis noir at the moment...
fading noir...
i need new hair.

i wish i had versitile hair.
i want to go blonde for some reason...
it seems so kRaZy!

think i could go blonde?
or would it just look totally ridiculous?

ive had bad expierences with blonde highlights...
but i still want it...

these hot ladies can do it...

blonde updo
brown hurr

blonde bombshell

and just for fun...

marilyn monroeish
scarlett johansson aka marilyn monroe aka norma jean.

i would kill to look like either one of those women...having their talents would be amazing too.

<3 steffi
15 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

what happened to kids? [24 Aug 2004|09:54am]
i just talked to one of my brothers friends that i actually like...

fourteen year olds are sluts.
im so upset by this...
my brothers fourteen.
he better not be a slut.

oh god. mikes *new* girlfriend is fourteen. he's seventeen.
at least their both at the same maturity level.
not like me and him.
why am i still always reminded of him?
it'll pass in a few weeks.

stephanie's words of wisedomCollapse )
6 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[23 Aug 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i shall forever worship aecyko
she helped me fix my computer.
im the happiest saddest most content girl in the world now.

the midwaystate, the delta convex, the turn it ups, the on agains and jaden
went with kristen [aka kb__]
i enjoyed myself. kristen is great, we talked a lot and got to know each other better.
some of the bands were good, i danced and sang to the midway state,
not too many other people were...but i didnt care.
some of them looked at me funny...but i didnt care. heh
i <3 them so.
nate bounces around when he bangs on his keyboard.
its excellent.

one of out ten. one being the worst. ten being the best...

the turn it ups= five
the on agains= four
the midway state= ten
jaden= nine
the delta convex= we didnt stick around for them...but i know their good, so im going to give them an eight anyways.

i met bree there!
bree= off_by_heart

the lead singer from either the turn it ups, or the on agains
[i cant remember, cause they were both terrible]
yelled at me and kristen during the middle of their set.
we were sitting at the back of the nac on one of the couches,
and kristen was reading my pulse magazine.
the band stopped playing, the singer man yelled at us.
everyone starred.
he made us get up and come to the front and watch.
we blushed.
it was great.

the firewall group put on the show...and they were selling...
on your choice of white and whole wheat bread ;]
you could get a drink and a sandwhich for a buck fifty.
me and kristen munched down.
they were yummy.
and i thought it was all just too hilarious.

i fucking lost my glasses!
my signature glasses!
bree and kristen helped me look...
but no cigar
now i have to buy new ones -le sigh-

i would rather not talk about what happened friday afternoon when i got off work...
i just cant handle those kinds of emotions right now.

long story short...my entire weekend was an emotional wreck.

i want to be happy again.

<3 steffi

3 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[23 Aug 2004|08:19am]
my computer has a virus and loads of porn spam.
-le sigh-

the only thing i can do on it without getting annoyed,
is be on msn.

everytime i open the internet explorer i get sad and angry.

i want it fixed.
and i want my computer fixed too.
i need to call some computer shops today to get quotes,
ill do that from work.
i dont feel like paying big bucks for this.
im cheap with my own money.

i cant drink.
i seriously cant.
not liquir at least...
i drank some baileys lastnight,
and woke up in the middle of the night with a headache,
then proceeded to puke my guts out.
yeah...it wasnt a pleasant sight.

so much to update too...
im suprised my jurk of a computer is letting me do this...
ill update later.

<3 steffi
5 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

i hate the ghost you've made of me. [19 Aug 2004|10:16am]
[ mood | cranky ]

go away depression! go away!
it keeps coming back...and sneaking up on me...

i dont want to have to be dependant on medication...
but i already am...
too bad.
maybe i need a higher dosage?
is it normal to be depressed?
things in my life lately have causes it to return...
can i just fix that with more effexor?

mummy says its normal to get depressed sometimes...
but im sick of it all the time... -sigh-

i went shopping lastnight!
i got::
-a brown & blue jacket/sweater/zippy hoodie thingy.
-orange CORDORY rose hairpin/pin
-green and black checkered knee high socks
-various school supplies...!!! my binder is going to be the talk of the school.
-a brand spankin' new comforter! its red and orange and has a japanese theme.
[it only came with the *reversable* comforter, skirt and pillow shams]
i have to buy the rest seperatly. grrr.
that my friend...is NOT a bed in a bag...not a complete one anyways.
nani bought me the bed stuff. so all is good.

i think i should buy myself some bamboo blinds now...to match the whole japanese thing.

my 'friend' has come...
i was worried i wouldnt get it.
when i get really depressed i dont get it...
it messed up my cycle...which is weird, because im on alesse.
the last time all this junk happened...i didnt get it. hmmm.
but i have it now.
and feel even more horrid.

i had a crappy sleep.
i kept dreaming of him,
as i always do.

<3 steffi

5 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

so long, but so worth it [16 Aug 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i fucking hate my brother.

my house is always infested with 23458924 fourteen year olds.

my step brother [steve] is down for two weeks, so its double the trouble. he's not nearly as bad as daniel. he's also a year older than him...

my daniel is so fucking disrespectful. he's a brat. he walks all over my mom, and she lets him. it drives me insane. i always question her parenting skills...i know i shouldnt...but sometimes i think i would be a better parent than her...

so this joe kid thats sleeping over tonight is the rudest kid ever.
i come out of my room, and the first thing he says to me is,
"psft, why do you look so miserable?"
i was totally shocked that this kid said this...
i had a puzzled look on my face for a couple seconds...
then i say, "uhhh cause i am...so fuck off."
yeah...pretty lame comeback...i am pretty lame though.
he's said numerous other rude things...i just ignored them.
joe- "you have your nose pierced?"
me- "no...its an optical allusion."
joe- "...umm...but its pierced right?"
i just walked away.
i dont have patience for rude and ignorant people...in this case...little teenagers.

but seriously...who has the nerve to come into someones house
and treat the occupants like shit?

i actually dont mind most of his friends...
aside from the immature annoyingness...their alright kids...
their pretty fucking nice to me...
not this damn midgit almost black mega italian jurk...
i hope my cat pisses in joe's mouth while he's sleeping tonight.

i really am terribly miserable.
ive been sleeping and moping all day.

on a kind of happy note...work went pretty well today. i ran the store by myself as usual. some of my "regulars" came in, well just two of them, gabbie and her mom. they remembered my name! and were very very nice to me, which made me happy. her mom kept telling me how beautiful i was, and how people should compliment others more often...i agreed. their coming back tomorrow, i hope they can brighten my day again.

another lady told me that i was a very good at my job.
she said that i was an excellent sales lady.

patrick totally forgot that he asked me to come with him to his band,
Black Avalons last show on sunday.

no call...no email...no msn msg confirming when he was going to pick me up...
so i said fuck it...

i kind of didnt want to go to his show anyways...he's kind of a jurk sometimes...
and i wouldnt know anyone besides him there.

i spent the day with my dad and stepmom on their sailboat at the BCC
i just layed on the boat and fell asleep due to extreme miserableness. i woke up tanned. pretty sweet deal.

BCC= Buffalo Canoe Club...in Fort Erie...snotty-ass expensive club for american jurks. complete with fancy shmancy resturant, private beach, sailboats and tennis courts and junk...yeah...we're members haha.

i will not let myself shed one more fucking tear for you...
no matter how much it hurts...
no matter how much i miss the affection and kind words...
i fucking wont...
because your not worth my salty eye ball leaks.

christina and i came to the conclusion the other night that,
i didnt like him...because i fucking hated his personality..
i just liked the way he acted sometimes...and i liked the way he treated me.
i just loved feeling good.
i wonder if i ever actually loved him...
what if i dont know what love is?
thats a thinker...

dammit...i slept too much today...im not tired enough for bedtime now...
but i have to sleep...i have to wake up early for work...
steph is an idiot.

<3 steffi

11 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[15 Aug 2004|07:47pm]

LJ Username 
Your Undies
Who will see you in them rancidpunx311
Who wants to see you in them blissfulness
Who will steal them caleighgreen
This cool quiz by lovely_mouse - Taken 58266 Times.
caleigh should be the answer for all of them...
she so obviously wants to be in my undies, and see me in them. durh.

when your feeling down and lonely...what do you do to cope with it?
yeah, im having a hard time coping with it...
the lack of love and friends really gets to me...
i hope that will all change in about a month...with school and all...
but im just real impatient. im too fucking impatient.
move to niagara falls and be my friend.

<3 steffi
6 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

ring ring goes the bell [13 Aug 2004|09:36pm]
[ mood | drained ]

caught in the act

caught in the act

back to school soon!

i need to go back to school shopping! eeeee!

i do love back to school shopping...for school supplies anyways...
binders and pens and highlighters and notebooks make me very happy.
i really, really, really hate clothes shopping though.
all the mirrors...argh
and the trying shit on...
and the never finding anything i like...
makes me feel so extra ugly -le sigh-

my nani bought a treadmill.
she's sixty-seven...
i hope she doesnt work herself too hard
or try to go too fast and fall...
im so worried for her...
i always am.
i love her more that i can even begin to say.

so ive been working out on it...
im just real sick of how i look.
i want to be like the other girls.
their the ones that get the attention.
im not sure if i want attention all the time...but once and a while seems nice.

i didnt even cry...just sort of whimpered.Collapse )
12 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[11 Aug 2004|11:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Franz Ferdinand
Indie rock! You're my most favourite type of
music... Your music channels lots of emotion.
On the top it seems simple, but underneath
there's always a deep meaning... As your name
you're independent from most of music! Stay
that way! Good on you! There's so much
variation in your style...from deep and
thoughtful like The Stills, to happy go lucky
like Belle & Sebastian, to dancy and catchy
Franz Ferdinand, and back to boogie down Hot
Hot Heat and The Rapture...

What genre of rock are you?

well duuurrhh.
franz ferdinand plus the rapture plus belle and sebastian plus hot hot heat equal <3

today was exhasting, and i didnt even do anything.
just slept and lazied around. days off work are beautiful.

patrick invited me to do something tonight, but plans fell through.
good thing, cause i just wasnt in the mood for it.

christina called this morning. her and the boyfriend were having a bit of trouble.
i gave her my words of wisdom
and we both cried on the phone for a good few hours.

when i hung up...i just started bawling uncontrolably.
i love her so much. i hate to see her hurting.

i feel pretty crappy.
i am alone again.
i dont know why i dont like being alone...
i just really love the attention i got being in a relationship.
i dont get that any other way...ever.

when i get real down...and cry in my room at night; and my mom hears me, she comes in and listens to me whine and complain. i dont know what i would do without her. i really am thankful.

but she says stupid things like, "stephy, you're beautiful! you have no idea! you just wait. when you start school your going to find a nice boy that likes you. you just have to put the word out there that your single. dont worry, they'll like you. whats not to like?"

such a typical 'mom' thing to say.
does she want me to wear a sign saying...*single & lonely*?
and i do have an idea...i know what i look like, and i do not see beauty.
boys have never liked me. mike was the first one that did.
there is also plenty to not like.
yeah...the guys are just going to be lining up outside my door...
i just get really mad at her when she tried to give me this false hope.

the depression is coming on full force.

my journal has gotten so shitty.
its just me complaining.
i dont care. i have no where else to do so.
my hand usually hurts too much to write it down in my real journal.

i have so much to say.
im going to explode!

<3 steffi

10 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[10 Aug 2004|08:56pm]
caleigh is finally online.
she's telling me very nice things about myself.
its making me cry.

i really need to build up my self esteem and self confidence.
its the cause of most of my problems and pain.
without it, i wouldnt be so depressed, wouldnt have so much anxiety,
wouldnt be so anti social, wouldnt hold back from doing things i really want.
amoung a lot of other things.

im not sure how to fix that though...
and its not just that i dont like the way i look
i dont like my personality.
one of the only things i like about myself are my ideals.

i ended it with mike tonight.
over the phone. kind of a crappy way to do it. i just couldnt wait any longer.
i did the whole thing very crappy.

we're far too different.
we're on different maturity levels.
have different interests.
we live different lifestyles.
he just hurts me...and im not going to go through all that again.
we have different viei ws.
have different goals. [basically, i have many, he has none]

i talked to christina on the phone right after and told her.
she was pretty excited.
i said "i seriously think i hate him. whenever we spent time together and were in the car together i would just wish that we would get in an accident and die"
thats horrible, because i actually thought that.
im a bad person.

actually...im a good person.

8 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[09 Aug 2004|07:48am]
[ mood | depressed ]

dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again.
dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again.
dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again.
dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again. dont do this to me again.

please dont do this to me again.
maybe i do it to myself?

self esteem is everything. i lack it.
which causes soooooooo many problems.
its quite sick.
i think i hate that more than anything.

im fragile and so very confused.

i need guidance in the worst way.

im so sick of people saying, "im here for you"
no, you are not 'here for me'...i need you right now,
and you are nowhere to be found.
i could never ask for your help anyways.

<3 steffi

1 tore it up, yeah!  and i threw it down.

[07 Aug 2004|06:38am]
"maybe im not good enough; maybe you just dont realize how good i am"

i can only ever come up with one liners...
im really no good at writing lyrics/poetry thats more than 4 sentences.

damn these things for keeping me up at night.
ive gotten zero sleep all night,
and since im a moron...i only think about coming online now.

i work at 10am - 4pm...
on about...2 hours of sleep...if that...greaaaat

le sigh

<3 steffi
and i threw it down.

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