Jane Drew (jane_drew_) wrote,
Jane Drew

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"Noah? I want you to build an ark...."

Ooookay... I just saw the very first "ohnoes there's a disaster that's going to Destroy The Planet" movie I can remember in which the end of the movie involved actually destroying the planet. None of this wimping out with "well, we've wiped out millions, but there's a stalwart group of survivors on boats and they can go hang out in the Himalayan Archipelago" or "well, everybody who could make it out of glacier range is A-Okay and rebuilding civilization" I mean: entire planet. Destroyed.

With, btw, some REALLY REALLY bad dialogue coupled with over-the-top acting, which Dad and I gleefully snarked. Seriously; there was a scene where the hero and... um... female character who had more dialogue than other female characters, even if it mostly consisted of freaking out and crying and panicking... right... ok... anyway, they were talking on the phone and clearly not in the same room, so there was about five minutes of "I'M ONLY THINKING OF THE CHILDREN!" "YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!" "THE CHILDREN! I HAVE TO GET THEM TO SAFETY!" "NOTHING CAN SAVE US NOW! WE HAVE TO GO TO THE SECRET LOCATION I'VE JUST FIGURED OUT BECAUSE I'M THE MALE LEAD AND CAN THUS DO MATH"


Oh, and apparently the film had no lighting budget, because aside from the characters running around in the dark with flashlights (including in scenes where they were in a building and the logical course of action would be to, you know, hit a light switch, there were all sorts of scenes in the house in the dark, and in the yard in the dark, in the woods in the dark.... and once, for a change, in a dimly-lit museum.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all of this, there are dark-colored trenchcoat-wearing aliens running around in the dark. And, aside from Freaky Whisper Noises on the soundtrack, the other sign of alien presence was... these black rocks. Adorable child actor is in touch with aliens? Gets handed a black rock. Want to show that the crazy whisper-hearing lady from earlier had been frequently visited by aliens? Piles of black rocks all over her Room of Crazy. Dramatic moment where Our Hero finally goes to the location where the puzzles are telling him to go and finds the secret treasures of the Templars random stealth bunnies the aliens? Whole entire path through the very dark forest, covered in black rocks.

Dad: So... ok, any idea why there are all of these rocks all over the place?

Me: Um... I dunno, Dad. *resists, resists, resists saying, "Rocks fall, everyone dies!"*

(That was, btw, very, very difficult)

(Not least because I seriously suspect that SOMEBODY on that film knows that phrase and was totally using it, giggling gleefully the whole time)
Tags: movies, rants of rantiness, rly?srsly?
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