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61 [18 Jan 2005|05:39pm]
759pm go there if you want to continue reading.
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57 [24 Oct 2004|12:55pm]
dear journal,
sean and i made out in his bed for about an hour. it was great fun. exspecially since that was my first real kiss.
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[09 Aug 2004|02:54am]
new journal: _radiating

i had planned on keeping this on for a long time, but i don't feel indecisive about myself anymore. i KNOW who i am, and i don't need a F'N lj name that says i don't. i already added some of you, but don't feel offended if i didn't. i'm just too damn lazy!
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48 [09 Aug 2004|12:38am]
dear journal,
i thought that if i did it fast, and quick... he would answer. i was unsucessful--once again.
crashsite love: one day, i said that you were my stellar star. and i'm seriously sitting here day in and day out, wondering what the hell goes through your head. and the only way i can find out, is by asking you. i'd rather hear rejection, then spend my nights wasting my wishes on you, towards the stars. so, would you please just honestly tell me, or are you going to sign off like you usually do?
BRAEDEN (HIS SN, NOT 4 U, FGT): what do u want to know?
crashsite love: hahaha. goodbye, braeden.
BRAEDEN (HIS SN, NOT 4 U, FGT): what the fuck
then the F'N cunt signed off. i honestly don't believe he is that fucking stpd.

i recieved a surprise yesterday, that scared the shit out of me. around 2am, i felt someone's body curl around mine. and for the slightest second, i remembered stella, and the times we would cuddle together at night. but then, i smelled it. dylan. i can't believe he even got into my bed without taking a bath, and putting on clean clothes first! i see that he still takes advantage of his key, too. after his shower, we layed on the balcony smoking and drinking bacardi. he let me lay on his stomach, and the stars seemed to shine ten times brighter. i forgot what it was like to be with dylan. to laugh, to smoke, and share the same bottle of liquor--it all made me feel so warm inside. around 5am, we went to bed. he stripped off his shirt, and i did the same for my shorts. i've known him for so long, it doesn't bother me.
"goodnight star." he said, as he licked my ear and pulled me close to him. it was so warm and comforting, as if we didn't even need the blankets. i woke up at 930am, and he was gone--with a note on the bed. he has never been one for goodbyes, or so he always used to say. i knew i wasn't going to see him for a long time, and this made my heart cringe. i don't know why. he isn't my stellar star, but i adore him.
my greatest star,
why were you so bothered last night? did my visit bother you? i really hope it did not. i only wished to see your face, before i set out for a while. i won't be back til around december or even mid february. i took some of your clothes, and socks. i really hope you don't mind. i just needed them, badly. i thank you for washing my clothes last night. it has been a while since i have smelled the scent of tide. i left you a pack of cigarettes in your little "hiding place", along with a small bottle of bacardi. i'll never be able to capture your heart, but you will always be my little star. do good in school, and try not to flaunt your "I DON'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION!" shit there, k? and don't worry about me. i'm traveling with a couple of other guys, and we have this abandoned building we will be staying at. so, atleast we will have shelter. i'll try to buy you more smokes where i am at, and send them to you.

i hope the cops don't pick him up like last time. sigh!

stella got out of rehab yesterday. i found out, because SHE called me. however, the conversation was rudely interupted whenever her mother snatched the phone from her.
"do not speak to my daughter. you are nothing but a bad influence, yah hear?
click! i guess she said that because of all the stuff stella and i did together. but stella is 18, she is not a little kid anymore. but because of her alcholic state, she has no control. :/ her mother is an F'N bitch. i've cried too much today.
PS PS PS PSCollapse )
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stare into the mirror [06 Aug 2004|12:32pm]
dear journal,
my name is jessica, and i've never been sure with myself. my name is jessi, and the only thing that will get me anywhere in life, is my imagination. my name is jesse, and i believe in faeries, pixies, and imaginary friends. my name is jessica nichole, and i think wishing on the stars will make my problems vanish. my name is jessica nicole, and i still play dress-up. my name is jessica nichole poland, and this is the only way i can find out my true self.

in truth, i am still a kid. i believe everything a kid would, except for santa claus and the easter bunny. i'm a self-centered, spoiled brat who takes everything for granted. i love my friends more than my own family. i beg my mother to buy me things, then i shove it in my closet and never wear it. or i let her buy me things that she likes, just to make her happy(knowing that i'll just put it in the back of my closet). i'll leave my money at home when we go out, so that my mother has to pay. i hate what i have become, because now we have no money. to the point where my mom is working a second job, as a cafeteria lady(just for the benefits). constantly they say we have no money to spend, yet they write a 100$ check to the church every Sunday and Wendesday. i do not think it is selfish of me to say, stop, we need the money more than them! but to them, that is all i am: selfish. i never think of others or their feelings.

i think of others, i just don't think of their feelings. it hurts me to admit to that. but when i speak, i am never thinking of their feelings. i could care less, because the only thing i am ever thinking of is, how bad they hurt my feelings. i am rude. i have no manners, unless i am around my friend's parents or adults(not my parents). i am sarcastic to no end. i tell you how it is, even when you don't want to be told. i'm sadistic. i have no respect. this is who i have become, for all eyes to see. it saddens me, it truly does.
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retro techno love [05 Aug 2004|11:32am]
dear journal,
sometimes i wish i could swing a sword around as if i knew what i was doing. i want a katana, so i can swing it around in my room. and in the process, probabley destroy have of my belongings. i want to be able to run at top speed with my katana, and slash at trees. too bad i cannot even run past three houses, without running out of breath. my katana and i will best friends. i will even start a clan of my own, and people will serve me. yes, that will be the day. i'm afraid i just realized how big of a fgt i am.
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say goodbye [13 Jul 2004|04:01am]
cowboy bebop:the movie

i did a cut, because half the fuckers on my list... i didn't even know. if you want added back on, just comment, &ask to be added. but if you don't, take me off of your list.


do you have any idea how long that took?! how did all of you get on there anyways? some of you i don't want back, but if you do want added back on, just comment.
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recognize our sick obsession [21 Jun 2004|04:02pm]
Some Red Handed Sleight of Hand ; Cursive
Dave(stepdad) was not happy on Father's Day, &i made sure of it. I only said hello to him once, &i'm sure he felt like a piece of shit. He should, infact i want that feeling to be ironed on to his brain. Just to be nice, I bought him a gift. I had to waste my birthday money on it though. Mother says what I did was wrong. That he has been my DAD for over 5 years. What a bunch of bullshit, he will never be my father, &i don't even consider him my stepdad. He is just the bastard that lives in my house.

MISSION: steal 2 packs of nasty Eurpeon cigs = FAILED
Hanging out with Dad was okay-ish. I was pretty pissed off because I never got a chance to take the fucking cigarettes. We went &saw Harry Potter 2, &i just fell asleep, because it was my second time to see it. Then we went &picked up my damn sister &went to Denny's. Sat in the smoking section for 2 hours! Then I came home, &smoked the last 4 cigarettes that I had left. : /

Someone answer this for me. Why is it that, today is my day off, yet i'm not doing a damn thing. The only thing I have done today is make Braeden ( distantheart ) a mixtape. A mixtape that I will probabley never give to him, because i'm a fucking pussy. When I hear those songs, I always think of him. &i told him, yeah i actually told him. I swear i'm such an idiot. I told him he would probabley never even get it, &all he did is: :( oh. I think I would just be uber embarassed after he listened to it, ya know? I wish the boy I liked would make me a mixtape. It would take my breath away.
ps. i pierced my nipples. (the link to the picture USED to be here, but i took it out - k?)
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[06 Jun 2004|05:53am]

do it bitches.
you feeling retro enough?
go there. join there. be cool &shit.
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