(no subject)

wow looking back at my old stuff feels me with a feeling of..of discomfort really, it is a feeling amusement and slight disbelief. I was so different, not really younger but somewhere close. I have had to grow up so fast or let my world fall apart and I didnt grow up. it took the most important thing in my life falling down on my head to knock enough sense into me to change. you saw it and loved it..completely loved me, but now your pulling away again. I think you think I am changing back. god knows that I have every other time. so believe what you want. im here and I love you. I almost lapsed back into it today I will not try to make excuses or say oh you just didnt talk to me long enough to see how I am now. no you saw and it was a clear view of me as I was, that is it just a view ..I grabbed a hold of myself before I slipped. it’s a hole I can never let myself fall into again because I wont get out again. somehow I know that one more time down that road and there is no more off ramps. I took detours so many times but now I have changed roads completely. I have discovered that there is no way to change your mind(ever in anything) so the only option I can see is to somehow make you love me so much that you forget about the oncoming pain. I don’t know how I can do that but I did that yesterday. I have come to understand more about this college thing..I keep telling you don’t worry it will be alright there will be no one else but thats not the point is it. for one I am lying every time I say there will be no pain..I feel it already the tearing apart of will be here, I will be there that is the point but I will be here I will be down to see you every weekend, you know that, there is no way you can question my devotion to you yet you do and I will prove that. you want to hear something funny.. the only thing that could keep me from you is gas going to have a job but maybe for the first few weeks I wont so I wont have I found a place I can donate bone marrow plasma..hurts like hell but pays good. nothing will stop me.
oh yes your theme song

I don't want you to give it all up
and leave your own life collecting dust
and I don't want you to feel sorry for me
you never gave us a chance to be

And I don't need you to be by my side
and tell me that everything's all right
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?

I did enough to show you that I
was willing to give and sacrifice
and when I get close you turn away,
there's nothing that I can do or say
so now I need you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

and this is for you

I start without motive
see where I fly
so worlds end in fire
and some in ice
mine ends in darkness
burning black, burning bright
on my back lays the weight of the world
or so it seems
to be, with me
that I cant let it go
I damn myself to this task
as the task damns me
and all it brings
my knees and the earth
in holy matrimony
I do, I do
worship you
everyday the price to pay
and now I shake in dread
for the motive now appears
will you love me and let us live
the world can hang from a single thread
a single back and single love
but would you ask that

(no subject)

This cant be happening. You are fucking crazy. Please call me and call me puppy. just a day before this all went down you say in a post that you want to see know yourself how much your moods change and how if you just wait this will pass like everything else...yet if i beleive that so much way im i freaking out and not just leaveing you alone like i should. this one might just finally kill me..i try not to rush you but please hurry up and finsih this i dont love you thing fast becuase i cant take to much this time...everyone has a breaking point. if you are testing me please please i dont want to get to the point where i completely break down. we need to see each other...i need to see you


Understanding love

In 1934, Dr. Carl Von Cosel worked at a Key West hospital, treating patients suffering from then-incurable tuberculosis. He fell in love with a 22-year-old patient named Elena Hoyos. When she died, Von Cosel got permission from her family to build her a mausoleum. There, Von Cosel used formaldehyde to preserve the body, visiting it nightly.

Later, Von Cosel secretly moved Elena's body to his home, living with it for seven years, until his deception was uncovered by Elena's sister. Horrified at the discovery, Elena's sister took what appeared be a wax dummy to the local morgue to be autopsied. The "dummy" was actually the decayed corpse of Elena Hoyos; her bones held together with piano wire, her skin had been treated with wax, her eye sockets filled with glass replacements, and she'd been perfumed to mask the odor of decomposition.

Declared sane, Von Cosel was not charged with a crime because the statute of limitations on grave robbing had expired. Elena Hoyos was eventually buried at a secret location. Von Cosel, separated from his love, used a death mask to create a life-sized dummy of her, and lived with it until his death in 1952.

And feeling love


There is nothing anyone can do, but shut the lights out in the room and kiss Elena. They won't take me away from you, that's nothing anyone can do because I saved her. Sleep my darling tonight, the angels weren't right. They came knocking on our door. I heard their voices call. I heard them say, Elena's gone away...
I keep her so alive, not a day goes by where I don’t fix her. I can smell her perfume, burying the truth that I put behind her. Sleep my darling tonight, I've covered you in white. I softly touch your mouth, but inside these voices shout and they say, Elena's gone away, Elena's gone away
  • Current Mood
    irate this face is cool

(no subject)

Im scared again..and this time its different. its not due to my overanalyzed sense of impending cheating. its not really even a fear of you leaving which you ever-so-nicely gave me the slight sense of today. its about you leaving under false pretenses, im am scared that you will now leave because your wonderful sense of being the best judge of character to ever walk the face of the earth is telling you that I am slipping back into the old not so great version of my self.. well hunny your wrong. the only thing still horrible to behold about me is my spelling and that will be blissfully erased as soon as I paste cut and paste this into word. I am not the person I was but I think you have a slight misconception about who I have you think I am a whole new person and that other one was just a bad dream that you will never have to see again? it is a part of me as well as this new side that you have just started to get a glimpse of. I have not become something new but just allowed myself to add-on to the person that I previously was. I will have flash-backs and slips but I will never fall back into that hole were I can only look at the world though a tiny little hole. where my perception of reality is limited. I have a lot of stuff going on ok..for one you have no idea how the game is still affecting me. I feel like a drug addict going though withdrawals. I know that might be hard to believe but it is so. not physical by any means but psychological. my mind screams for it reaches for it and I would let it have it is hard...I took my dads internet bill and hid it so that the internet would get cut off...that was has been shut off the last 3 or 4 days and I dont think I would have been able to stay away from the game if not for its back on but the worst days have passed I think. so now enough about me and on to you...what is going on..maybe if you tell me you will see that your view of me is distorted due to your biased views towards everything right now....I dont even ask you that though..I would love you to let go and tell me whats wrong but I know you well enough to know that is not something you will openly tell me normally let alone when you say I am part of the problem..I do ask you something though..right now you are pushing me away and not even giving me a not asking to redeem myself because me saying that was just me trying to get your attention so you would talk to me..I have nothing to redeem myself for except being a little overly jealous. you are the one that listens to me for 1 minute or 4 minutes and then dismisses me. I im grasping at you and not being confident is that what you saw?...well that doesnt mean that im the person I used to be it just means im a little scared.. I am entitled to that no matter what you say. youre the one who said that if your having a bad day youre the one to fix it right(paraphrased) so stop whatever is happening not the one who is acting weird ...I go to work at 5 please call me before then..I will not call you till at least 3 because you went to the comp lab and I dont know how long that will take. I dont understand how you can take one look at me and write me said it made you sad and i thank you for that..this is not another one of my temporary fixes im am trying to show you that but you are not giving me a chance. I recognize the end of the road when I see it and I know what needs to be is being done no more waiting for college or anything like that...stop turning around before I can show you
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    Queen-"we are the champions"

(no subject)

Hello and welcome to my life..the shadow of my life cast by this journal...its sad isnt it, read my journal and you will see a little boy who in times of trouble pisses and moans and says the same old crap over and over because he has filled his head with so much stupid crap that the space in which he should use to create new stuff..good bad or great stuff is filled with the mundane aspects of the life he butchers to get attention so he wont have to go out on a limb and jump out of his comfortable little hole in the wall. you look and see a person who has forgot how to be great forgot he was great and in the absence of this thought that everything was just peachy. well its not. he is stupid in the worst way the way in which he thinks everythings fine. riding out denial till the last stop. this person no longer wants to be great or someones hero or even someone to look up to. he wants now just to be who he is and should be and see what happens in the long run. he has given himself to too many people and has nothing left to give to this last one...and thats not the point of the story anymore..its not about you(and ego just went down two points) but mine went up though the roof to say that this ones about me. not me and how I feel about someone or how they make me feel but all about me the person that I am only recently discovering and liking(so far).so ok this he im talking about is me(you guessed right). so what have I realized (other then it a lot easier to say me then he). it has just hit me that not only im I chained down but im closing the locks one by one on myself shutting away the one thing I have to offer the world. why im I doing it I have no idea. it is self-destruction for no purpose. why do people self-destruct?..on to that later. well I have told my self that I started going downhill due to my sex addiction but that is a crock of crap and I know it. im not addicted and its not really a problem(this is not denial it is truth) I think it but I say a have a addiction for the effect. all about the effect. presentation is the key to success. wrong....that is the cowards way out. the easy way to do something wrong. just make it look good and what have you got..a fake and nothing more(a good looking fake naturally) whats the point in lying your way out of something when it is easier to just do the original action and be done. I have noticed lately that I am extremely stubborn in some things. if I get something in my head I will not give up no matter the cost. I will destroy my entire life for one stupid night that will fade away and be nothing but a memory that no one cares about but me. but I have to do it I have to be there I have to come though for the hundreds of imaginary people that are counting on me....I actually do that it is ridiculous I tell people that I have something planed and that there are people counting on me to come though for them.. I make people believe this is true just so I can get out of one responsibility..(I want to stop now and play my stupid game..WoW..but I need to keep going and I will put an end to my shit..but that is not the point of the story(this is not a time for I will's or im going to's this is a time to tell you what and who I am)) so I tell people I need to go home early or im not going to be at work or to put it how it really is..sorry but your fucked because im busy and im awesome and im needed. the thing is im not busy im lazy im not awesome im a liar and as for needed there is no need for me. I need people people dont need me. no one can depend on me because people are depending on me somewhere else ...always somewhere else. so to put all that in summery I am no longer a person wanting to be something or someone else, what I want is to find out what I am and see if its compatible with the rest of my loves and dreams. I am crawling up from where I was. I will no longer be dragged............I dont want you to post alice, just leave it alone its not for you to touch..please
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(no subject)

do you know why i have a livejournal ..because someone..the one i am madly in love with(madly has so many meanings) told me to make one. and i did i made one like i do everything she says becuase i cant get enough of her. all i do my whole life now is try to make her happy.i do whatever she wants so she wont get tired or bored or sad or angry or any other mood exsept the one in which she loves me. and i never win its always i not this im not that im below her..what the fuck is her problem... i always tell her no one will put up with your crap do you know what i really one else will love not saying no one else will love you the way i do i am saying no one else will love are to hard and to soft underneath you complain and wine and then jump on other peoples case when they let a tear slip..i cry alot..and get alot of shit back in return. i am not saying you are not good enough i am saying you are not right for anyone else neive i dont care. i am done sitting here and being a dumb stupid lazy fuckup with no direction in life. i want to be everything you have dreamed of. i can feel you giving up on the project and i need you to hold on for me..for the person i am right now it will all be worth it. i dont know where this is going but im in for the ride and you invited me will get tired of everyone if you have gotten tired of me i am alot more then you think and i really dont care if i show you or not. why cant you just love me for the person i am and not always have to close me out...I WANT IN ....LET ME THE HELL IN. have i said it that way before no i havnt. i want to put work into this relationship and make myself happy. im not happy anymore. i need love i need someone to be mine i need you and you are the only one good enough for me. i am good enough for you when i try.

postscript, i am to tired to send this to spell check plus maybe the world should have a taste of what there in for
  • Current Mood
    crushed who the hell knows anymore

(no subject)

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.

hmm....who woulda thought that

and i desided to do it one more time to test something out..i was right

Your Inner European is Russian!

Mysterious and exotic.

You've got a great balance of danger and allure.

and this is not what you would have picked..i simplly chose all my second choices...interesting isnt it

(no subject)

something is wrong with me right now and I don’t know what so I will be a fucking retard and write random stuff that I do or don’t mean in the end making no since to anyone but myself and giving Alice one more thing to laugh at me about...something is wrong with me..or maybe something is right with someone else because it this specific spot and time in the universe I am not me something else is within me and I can taste it like a aftertaste..not a bad one but one that leaves you wondering what in the hell did I eat that tasted like that and really you know but you want it to be more exciting so you start thinking what was it..except this taste is omnipresent and submersed deep within me. it feels wrong for me yet right for something else a life without people or love or soulmates I am finally able to be a single person not the pathetic emotional leach that I normally am..I am me but that is wrong.(insert question mark here) ponder your life. you are gone from me now and I am not running for not even walking..I wish that you would run to me but that is my job right. its not in your nature. so stand there and wait of course I’ll come back..we were made for each other you believe it, note sarcasm ponder your life for once while I sit back and relax knowing what is to come. you are a very difficult person. bittersweet comes to mind and yet I do not go. I am stuck to you like (I was going to say something witty here until I realized (was going to say (oh hell I don’t know)))<---is that enough closed parentheses(damn hard word to spell..took me three times of retyping it before spell check recognized it as a word..I think it thought I was retarded and wanted to be nice...of course parentatheivesis is a word own special honey im not the retard you are but your still my special little go back in the closet awhile while mommy gets drunk causing your unborn brother to come out just like you so you have a "special" friend. good boy good boy. the second good boy was her addressing her poodle after teaching it to sit...wonderful hmmm..? ponder your life again why don’t ya..go for it and tell me what you want in life..I have realized that I want you..because you are to me as that childs stupidity is to him....I will get punished..sometimes when I know whats going on and sometimes when I don’t , i will be protected not by ignorance but by romantic notions and hopeful dreams that are instilled in me though your love for me. you keep my hope alive no matter what we say about hope. you are my protection ,shelter warmth ,hope, motivation and future. I am dependent on you and I do not see it as a bad aspect of my personality, in actuality the fact that I have allowed myself to be so completely enamored and setting a large portion of my life and happiness in your hands seems to me a this point a were brave thing to do. or foolish.(damn cliche)

p.s. i have no idea what i just wrote and i think if i look at it again a will not even post it so i am going to not look at it and post away
  • Current Mood
    confused you tell me

(no subject)

i am in love.........if thats what you would call it...I have someone who I would die for...someone who believed I was bi so I have made myself believe it(now thats dysfunctional)..I have often wondered if a would be diagnosed with a mental illness if I was to see a "professional" . I have a disease and there is no way to stop the progress. I am gonna enjoy death so much after the constant torment of life and yet im going to seize hold of that torment as long as I can. a have been thinking about something..most people agree that humans are on a higher level then animals but I have a single word that counteracts that..suicide..have you ever met a suicidal animal..I doubt it. I believe that we are nothing compared to them. at least they have enough self respect to not to intentionally cut short the one thing given to them. I tried something today that almost set a record..I believe it to be the second best memory I have ever had...I tried to be something im not because that is what..apparently my "sig fig" wanted.. but apparently the apparent wasnt so clear cut. I am once n\more assured that I have met my match and have truly found the bueaty known as a soulmate... one that so completes you that you maybe think the world is crumbling away around you and you say its just sand. do you understand this feeling. if you do then tell me for I do not. I wraps itself around me and shields me from the world. I will do everything I can to preserve it and yet know that it needs no saving. it will prevail. it can do know other when it has been connected. self-preservation will fight for me. she says that she would be fine free..I mean nothing and im on her back but this can do but to things never happen in the first place or last forever. so I guess were screwed(every pun intended) say you feel like I don’t love you anymore and yet last night you told me to listen to a you remember what I song amazed by the way you love me.
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