Porcelain, by being pure, is apt to break...

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I won't tolerate competition. Not for long.

Malfoys don't take second place.

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I feel like things have just been non-stop these last few months. Suddenly my father wants me with him or in contact with him almost constantly. I can't even use the excuse that it's disrupting my school work: I tried that and all I got in response was to be called 'an impertinent brat' and be told that there are 'some things in life that are more important than school work'.

Now, I cannot deny it's almost pleasant to have him actually want me involved in his big ideas these days. Still, it's strange how it took my initiation into their little club to earn my father's love. I suppose it's even stranger that I ever saw a Malfoy's love as anything but conditional..

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Rabastan LeStrange. A boy I hardly know and a thorn in my fucking side.

As if it wasn't hard enough juggling two people at once and trying to convince some idiotic girl that I want only her; now this little boy comes in and tries to make my work that much harder.

Well, we'll see about this...

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I feel like an empty shell and it's disgusting. This is why I shouldn't let people in; because all they do is worm their way deeper inside you than you realise and that's when they can tear you to pieces.

Well, I don't want to be weak for you, Severus. And I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to close all the doors again and to ignore the thumping feeling behind my ribs. Because I don't need this. I don't need any of this.

So, why do I still love him? Gods, I can't decide who I hate for this.

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You know, it's only since I was initiated that I've begun to appreciate adding a hint of subtlety. I've learnt I can't go around shouting my head off about the mudbloods, the squibs, the muggles. I can't outright insult the bastards without risking the school authorities turning their eyes on me. If they decided to look at me more closely, what they might find out could well end my scholastic career at Hogwarts, not to mention marring my name for good.

It just seems a shame that many of my fellow Slytherins don't appear to have an ounce of guile about them. They're so forthright with their insults and their opinions. I thought we were supposed to be the cunning ones? Ah, maybe they'll learn when they receive their Marks- which, of course, they will in good time. I estimate that at least 90% of them won't be able to resist the promise of power that comes with being a Knight.

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Wonderful. Not only do I get whisked away to the Manor for a delightful week with my overbearing mother and contemptible father but now I get to return to a seemingly angry Severus. Oh well, perhaps I can appease and entertain him by showing him my array of new bruises (courtesy of my father's temper, of course).

Well, at least something good came of my visit. My father, when he wasn't prattling or lording it over me, told me about some new developments in the ranks of the Knights. Apparently Macnair's getting marked this weekend which means, once again, I'm being pulled out of school for the weekend. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that people aren't noticing. Perhaps my father's not just bragging when he say he can convince anyone to let him do as he pleases.

Also, he informed me about a plot of sorts to destroy that hideous statue of Daisy Dodderidge that sits outside the Muggle Studies classroom. Wilkes was given the honour (which, I'll admit, annoyed me somewhat) but precautions have been taken to make sure the blame won't lay with him. I guess I'll have to wait until morning to see if the job's been done. I do hope they don't expect me to get involved in any clear-up or cover-up; sometimes prefect status can get you into some detestable situations.

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Gods only know why I'm so tired. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my rooms.

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I ache. I ache with unspent energy and pent up aggression. It feels like a constant struggle for self-control these days, now that I know what I'm truely capable of.

Take the mudblood for example. Every day I have to sit back and see her swanning through the corridors of a school that wasn't meant for her. I watch her and know that with two little words I could eradicate her, make her nothing more than a blot on this school's record. It doesn't stop with her though, oh no. There's cleansing to be done all over this castle and I have the capacity to do it.

But, I don't do a thing. Instead, I sit in my dormitory and ignore the burning of his Mark in my arm. I ignore the little voice in my head that's enticing me to do away with so many and try not to realise it's my own.

I swear, the only thing that feels like a tie to sanity these days is Severus and I know that we're destined for nothing more than seperation. It's pulling me to pieces.

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Would it be out of line to say I'm sick and tired?

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So soon. So soon. My heart races every time I think about it.

I received an owl from my Father early this morning. It brought the news I've been waiting for, an absolutely perfect announcement.

( Owl from Thiery MalfoyCollapse )

I can feel excitement, anticipation and a little bit of fear raging through my veins. It's utterly exhilarating.
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Are my eyes deceiving me or are we soon going to have a muggle in our midst? This should be fun.

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I really cannot get over this.

Andromeda. Fucking. Black. Or should I be calling her 'Andie' now? After all, I'm sharing a boyfriend with her. At least, I think this is a boyfriend situation. What do I know anymore?

Why exactly did he have to choose her to keep his father happy? Couldn't he have chosen someone less.. Well, less appealing? Because, if it ends up with him wanting her or someone like her, I think it's safe to say I'm out of the picture. After all, I'm not all that good at being a woman.

And why does he seem to constantly be seeing her? I saw them sitting outside together the other day and then again yesterday.

I don't know why I'm so paranoid, really. I mean, I'm in the same situation, aren't I? It's the old Malfoy double standards at work again and I can't even begin to control them.

But, if this is some kind of game for him... If he just enjoys making me jealous... Well, we'll see how he likes being played with, too.
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Surprisingly, I'm rather looking forward to this year's carnival. That makes a change.