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04:37pm 06/05/2005
  photographic interviewCollapse )  
       I'm a Fool
07:48pm 25/04/2005
mood: anticipating


I appologize for not being active, I'm gonna try harder. I haven't updated my live journal in ages, because I switched to geejay. You can find me at http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/bulletprooflove If you have a greatest, add me I'm friends only. Enjoy.
         4 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
You Know You're Gonna Die By The End Of The Night.   
09:00am 17/01/2005
mood: numb
bulletprooflove is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

That's right kiddo's I've made the switch and become bulletprooflove at greatestjournal.com now So catch me there ♥

(ps, i'm in the process of uploading all my old xanga entries to this journal =) is'nt that exciting?)
       I'm a Fool
10:12pm 15/01/2005
mood: grumpy

       I'm a Fool
Maybe We'll Get Lucky But I Really Don't Think So.   
07:42pm 13/01/2005
mood: CALM
Today was pretty okay, if I do say so myself. Parted my hair to the side everybody seemed to like it so that was cool. Didn't have any problems with anybody. Let's see. Oh yeah, Mr. Klek gets more boys than me and that's sayin somethin. Whatever. Haha. Cousis and Sisters and Brothers Oh MY!! And using eyeshadow as lip gloss makes for an intresting touch. =). I think I did decent on my Bio test, and we did thids crazy olver garden placemat thing in Italiano. It was pretty. ODD. Hah. The meet was kick ass. I was really tired after the Medly Relay (50 fly) so my IM time (3;26) was 5 seconds slower than it normally is. But, I got 3rd so that was hot stuff. Coach took me out of breast stroke, which was good. I was in the 400 Freelay the, and it was cute right before the race Topher had my face in his hands and was just like tellin me to do good and stuff idk. Haha but I did my best time in it, (1.18) so I'm happy about that one Good day over all.

Now I'm going to go shower and put away the nativity. Who wants to come bowling Saturday? I have the urger to bowl, come it should be tons o funs-o. yay<3

.You Would NeverAlwaysAndForever
       I'm a Fool
I Am Yours to Disect, Yours to Regret, Yours to Forget.   
08:48pm 12/01/2005
mood: sad
Well, I am awful chilly and I feel like complaining some more so as to procrastinate doing my geometry homework. So anyway, today was pretty bad. I was upset mostly all the time and teachers got on my case about everything. And Goddamned everybody has a fucking boyfriend. And ya know what I'm happy you're happy and for the most part I'm a pretty happy person but I am sick and fucking tired of seeing all these people just gushing "LOVE" because of some stupid boy who in a month or two isn't going to mean anything. Honeslty. It really pisses me the hell off. This is to no one in particular and I am fed up wth myself mostly. Like, am I the one whose wrong in wanting a relationship to mean something and to be for an extended period of time. I must be too young for something like that. I openly admit- my longest relationship was 5 weeks and I was miserable in it. MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS IN IT OUT OF GUILT. And that's the only sort of anything I can base my judgement of things on. If I offend you it's because you've offended me. I don't want to hear about how much you yadda yadda yadda love this person yadda yadda yadda because right now I am feeling selfish and I just need to be self absorbed for a little bit because nobody else seems to give a fucking damn.

"I'd like to see you undone" -- The Swiss Army Romance//Dashboard Confessional. These days, beauty is a mask people wear. (I know I've done a thousand entries on my beauty theories before, but It makes me feel better) Most times, we don't get to see the real people unless we are particularly close with them. I know some people I've never seen without make and I've known them for some time. No names, because there are plenty of people like them. I am, but not really. There will be days where I am just too tired to put on make up and just not. And most people I'm comfortable with have seen me with absolutly no make up no hair done or anything. And that's what really counts. Because when you look at a person you shouldn't be just taaking in their skin deep persceptions. YOu should see them, all their goods and all their bads and their histories. The more you know about a given person can make them more appealing, or less. I know some people would consider me much more of a hideous person having known a little more about me, if they perceive beauty that way.

Another bit about perception is, natural aura of people. They are so good they just emit light. It's a subtle thing and most of the time people over look it. My mom has a friend, Jan, whose house we would go to after school and in the summer and play with her children. She had one, she was such a sweet gentle person, but she's grown tired. The same softness isn't there anymore. She has a rough relationsihp with her husband. Other people interfere with the goodness of other people. People aren't meant for each other indefinlty. They will grow tired of their Lover and move on. It's the natural progression of things. People change and have every right to, but what is the likelyhood of two people legal bound to one another that they are to change at the same rate in proportion to one another. Very slim to none, which is why marriage doesn't work. 2 people aren't meant for each other for always. It's just not logical.

Now I'm through boring you all to death with my pathetic insights of nothing, I must leave you to do Geometry homework so as not to fail the course entirely.

We Both Know That's A Lie
         2 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
08:46pm 11/01/2005
mood: lonely
Today was a pretty good day. School went as expected GOT A B ON MY ITALIANO PROJECT NUKKA. OOHHHHHHH .

Now I'm sad. this song is so upbeat. 'To love and be loved' let's just hope that's enough. And it makes me think about how I don't have a boy and how much I want one. Because winter is far too cold to be this alone. I will complain until I can't possibly complain anymore and you'll get so sick of me you wil vomit and I will still be boy-less. So this complaining is useless and so am I.

I've been good for the weeks or 2 and I think I'm okay for the time being. I mean sure it's not easy and everything but it's better without it.

Holy shit today I almost started crying while we were reading GREAT EXPECTATIONS. What kind of homo am I??? It was the part where Pip was confessing his love to Estella and how she is everything he sees and ahh It was just like 'I WANT SOMEBODY TLOVE ME LIKE TAHAAAT waaaaaah' but i didn't cry- I almost did. I had to try mega hard to stop. =(. Wimp-o

Today while Steve and I were waiting for my dad to pick us up from the meet we were talking about how I don't look my age- 'cause I'm only 14 and a youngg 14-year old I am. He thinks I look 16. but I wouldn't go as far as to say that.

Darling Always And Forever I will Be Whatever You Need To Remind You To Stop Bleeding.

Rah. I need something/someone to get my mind of things/everything. 98ioajsdfka adshfuj.

       I'm a Fool
04:09pm 10/01/2005
mood: BORED.
I am fatally bored. And watching VH1 To Thin and dit's pretty riddiculous how annorexic everyone who is famous is. I would never watn to be a famous person because It's deadly. Psh.

Let's just go out one night and do something my Love.
Any night, pick a night.& we will go and do something
       I'm a Fool
09:16pm 08/01/2005
mood: tired
Just got back from the mall with Alissa, jenna, emily and dave and his friend. Had a good time, got a dress and a belt. Both black and white. How interesting. Really good time, can't think of any specific good times. But yeah.

I'll take pictures of myself in the dress so you can admire how beautiful I am and wish you were me. Hahha. Oh man that'd be the day.

I am content with life.
         1 Lover -  I'm a Fool
You Wouldn't Want To See Me Mad, Dear.   
11:06pm 07/01/2005
mood: blank
Let's see, the past few days have been good, and there are a schmillion things I should be writing about, but i'm ever so tired right now. gonna finish eating my chocolate<3 and going to sleep because we haev 8 am practice tomorrow. Gosh I hope Tee's doesn't run the IM'ers practice tomrrow because I think I might have to drowned myself. Night loves


Okay, i feel like writing about something now. Last night, i had my music on and all the lights out and all i could see was the blue from the speakers on the celing. i had my contacts out so i couldn't see much and i was thinking about everything. Of course some bittersweet love song comes on because it was bound to and it made me think about what I wanted in Love or romance or whatever you call it. i want something emotional, somebody I can just sit and talk to and be myself with. Somebody who can look past everything I'm not and see everything I am. Allong the same lines is; I've made mistakes. Heaven knows I may make them again. Somebody who won't tell me and lecture me and show me- because i already know- what I do wrong and what all of my faults are, somebody who can just support me through whatever I do to myself and others. Of course it's hard to watch somebody to do something you know isn't right, but it takes that kind of strength to make the self-inflicted victim come around in their own time. On the flip side, I want something physical. The slightest thing triggered this, actually. I was sitting next to somebody on the bleachers at swim and I was talking to them and because it was tight our legs were touching and arms and even though it wasn't anything, it was. Just that simple, anything. I'm not that hard of a person to please, sometimes. Actually, I guess it depends. I'm a needy person and my needs change constantly because I change constantly. I'm at a stage now where I'm just trying to find out who I am. I guess that's why a lot of people have boyfriends/girlfriends, and I don't,. I don't think its fair to the person that you're with if your not even sure of yourself, to drag them into the unstable mix. On the other hand, some people seem to find themselves in others. It's just a difference of opinion I suppose.

Same note, as above. I was thinking about my riddiculous fear of saying 'I love you' OR even the word Love itself. I don't know what the deal with that is or where it came from, but everytime I see or hear someone say it I cringe and get really angry. Maybe, it's because our society doesn't put as much feeling into as I do. Because when I say it, I mean it. And I will only say it when I mean it. To abuse such a wonderful thing, that Love can be is riddculous. I think people say it so often without thinking because it sounds good, and even if they don't mean it it makes them feel better about themselves because they have some external place to put their love. It doesn't have to be all about themselves, they feel selfless when they say it. In no way is this about anyone- but myself, in particular. It's just one of my tangents. I feel better now, getting that all out.

If anyone read and understood and could empathize with me on all of the above I congratulate you. I know for sure if this was on anybody else's journal I'd be like FUUUCK THAT. But, if you care that much about me, rock on cool cat<3

I'll add more about my unexciting life later.


I decided it was time for another addition. Time to back track;;

WEDNESDAY// . . . Honestly I can't remember a single thing that happened.

THURSDAY// Lindsay began her mating calls, and told me she was scared to click the link in my profile because it would watch her So i had to lindsay proof it. WWWWWIERDO. i think we got scheduled today, Hot stuff. i believe I'm taking algebra 2A because honors is way too hard, us history IA, gt english 10, chemistry a, harmonizing chords I, study hall, lunch, UHMM. what else? I think that may be it. Right on. Meet today was fine, got dq'ed in my breast stroke 'cause I jump the gun. Whatever. Dropped a schmillion seconds on my IM which is now 3.28 hot stuff youngin. i'm done

FRiDAY// That was yesterday Just kiddding, theres more to this. School was boring, because, it's school. Practice was the hardest I've ever done. We did like 2000 meters of IM and I got no break, we were on a 2;10 interval and I Know that means nothing to most of you, but what it means to me is I got absolutly no rest between any of the sets. I was practically crying through it. My legs hurt so damn bad I'm surprised I can fuggin walk. Then I went to the movies with the gang and they're male partners. Jackie was my date because I'm a faggot times a million like that. Saw LInds before the movie, she had a cool scarfer. UHMM. Yeah, Alissa and Jenna were talking to some weird pot heads when we got there. Way to go crazy kiddo. The movie was pretty lame, mostly because I was in no mood to be scared or to do anything. I was an angry fool. Let's count who got action of some sort last night.... NAOMI AND RICH, JULIE AND THAT KID, EMILIY AND THAT KID, ALISSA AND DAVE. yaaay. haha that left me and jenna and jackie the single homo's to actually WATCH the movie. you got served fool, and speaking of getting served.......

SATURDAY// I freaked out this morning because I thought I over slept and was going to be late for swim after I did the papers, but I wasn't. I was right on time, unlike everyone else. When I got there at a few minutes after 8 only Chelsea and Maria were there. Gasp, then Chelsea furcher came and eventually the whole team came. Practiced sucked because I was in so much pain from the Nazi workout yesterday
         5 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
07:49pm 04/01/2005
mood: moody
So, today sucked a lot. I fell alseep, literally, in Geometry, and I can't recall ever doing that before. That class is just too damn boring. Italiano was stupid as anything. We're learning about sentences oo wow. I could care less. Study hall was probably the high point of my day. jenna and I sat with Maria, Hector and jerry. We were looking at classes to take and i think for my elective next year I'll either take an art, or a music theory. Dunnno. Then we were puttin these little things that said months on them on our foreheads. We are such losers like that. Keyboarding//Biology//GT all went by without event. Lunch i acted like a doofus. Health we reviewed for the test, and I got the bonus which was 'what type of drugs affect how your brain thinks or works" and I KNEW IIITI. PSYCHOACTIVE. Hot stuff, potatoe head. History, whatever. The meet sucked. Vince is such a rapist, you scumbag man whore. UMMMMMMMM. Left my purse there i'm so fuggin pissed.

I can't get to sleep at night. Normally I have no problem falling alseep, but as of late I toss and turn and wake up and I think I've been dreaming but I'm not sure. Today I got up at 2;30 and just sorta layed around until 5;30 because that's what time I had to get up. And it's taking a toll on me. Somebody should sing me a lullaby or something. This is crazy talk.
       I'm a Fool
Shut the Fuck up and Just Cry Yourself to Sleep   
09:23pm 03/01/2005
mood: groggy
Yo lovers today was the first day back from winter break and it suuucked. I was mega tired because as of late sleep doesn't come easy. And even when it does I'm always tired or sore or having some sort of head ache or what have you. Totally, I had to borrow jenna's belt today (yes, that groovy green spkey thing that totally did not match my outfit but I looked cool enough that it didn't matter) because my pantalones were falling off me. I guess i'm losin some of my tummy from swim.. Shame I'll miss it. What a loser. Anyway, after school I went over the Giambrono's because I didn't want to go home. Alissa had an ortho appointment so I just chilled at her house and ate the oreos that her momma bought for me, and Jimmy and I did our Bio homeworko even though the fag only did one when he was supposed to do 2. Hah Hot Sauce Louis, you're a faggot, Jimmy, with a really high pitched voice. totally, so finally Alissa came home to save me from the hobo's and we sat and ate and I watched her play the Sim's which were mega slow on her lap top. Lame. Swim practice kicked my butt today. My butterfly was killing me. ACK-- enough of my bitchin. Kevin, my dad's friend' came over for dinner, he's a chill dude and now they're watching Finding Nemo and I'm too tired so I'm going to Slleeep because I'm a homosapian like that. Until we meet again mi amore<3


Oh yeah, tomorrow we have a meet at Lawrence and we are going our Northstar booty's handed to us. Hot stuff lover♥
         3 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
Just crack the shell open, I think inside you'd find something sweet.   
06:55pm 02/01/2005
mood: bitchy
I woke up at 9 something today, and my mom was all "Let's go to a diner for breakfast' and I'm all "No way" So she got upset with me because I never want to spend time with the family. Well excuse me if I don't really like our sorry ass excuse for a family. Whatever, so my mom and my sister go out and I watch tv and eat clementines. Then my dad comes home and goes upstairs. That's about my morning. I shower and do my hair, only to find out we're going to see Pop Pop. OH WHAT FUN. NOT. I shouldn't say that, he's the only living grand parent I have. When we get there, I was just sorta sitting listening to my iPod because I didn't feel like looking at whatever they were looking at, when I pressed a button. Pushing buttons in 'Assisted Living" apartments is never a good thing. Next thing you know there's a beeping noise and someone's on the pohne asking if everyone is okay. It must have been an emergency button. Whateverrr. So they got on my case about how I shouldn't touch stuff. Then I turn around to see Poppop holding a knife. Scared the buh-jebuses outta me. Then, we went home.

At dinner I got hell about how I knocked over a plant because I'm a clumsy oaf. WHATEVER. And then I got it about my diet and how I don't eat enough meat, Seriously leave me the hell alone. OOHH and did I mention about last night, instead of getting a 'GOODNIGHT DAUGHTER' I got, are you sneaking out of the house?' Stupid whore.
       I'm a Fool
Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset   
03:48pm 01/01/2005
mood: bored
My New Year's was spent in my bed, asleep. Jackie came over a little after 8, and at about 11ish I fell asleep. Jackie said my mom wanted to go outside, at like 1 in the morning, because there were people outside. I bet it was Steve and his brother and such, because they live down the street. If i was awake I probably would have gone down, but I wasn't so whatever. What did everybody do on their New Year's?
         8 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
November 22, 1963   
03:25pm 31/12/2004
mood: ditzy
I've been meaning to update for a while and now I am.

Wednesday night-- Alissa, Emily, Jenna,and Julie came over. And we had a party. First we ate, because we always eat whenever anybody comes over. haha, And then we played black jack. And I killed it, haha, and I cheated a few times..... but shhh. hahaa. Then we played hide and go seek because we are that cool. I hid behind the Christmas tree with a bag on my head. When Jenna found me I just heard her laughin like a crazy fool haha. Then we were gonna play this pillow pile game but that didn't work, so we just sorta lounged around with all my stuffed animals 'cause they're soo cool =). Then we had a dance party and hopped and danced and sanged around. sanged haha yaay for english. Pictures to follow;;

We don't need no water-- Let the motherfucker burnCollapse )

Thrusday-- Hornet relay, that was pretty cool, swam in the 100x4 IM, 50x4 breast, and 50x4 fly. Then we had a pasta party that was fun.Sam was sitting on me to keep me warm, until Chris gave me a massage, =) <3 It was good funnn.
       I'm a Fool
The Sky Is On Fire.   
03:50pm 29/12/2004
  I am updating because I haven't a life. At 6 a few chicks are comin over and we'll have ourselves a party. Practice was hard as balls today, my back feels like a big knot. Ouchie boo boo. Hah, I tried to run away to lane 6 where the workout ison a much slower interval. But they caught me and sent me to lane 2. Shame really. So if anybody wants to likeee. come over or whatever, that's cool.

And a message to those kids who think they have balls of steel. I'm gonna find out who you are. Everybody, if you want -- call this telephone number; 954-2066. If you know who it is, please let me know. I mean come on if you're gonna prank me, please make it the least bit funny. Calling and laughing and mumbling into the receiver is so corny. Come on now, atleast do 'the max attack' with the whole speil about being brutally murdered with a butter knife. hah.
         9 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
I Hate To Think You've Lost Your Touch   
02:22pm 27/12/2004
mood: excited
Updating 'cause i have some pitures of me that I wanted to share =) .
Little Hideous VersionCollapse )

Large Hideous VersionCollapse )

I hope you like them, but be warned I am a hideous creature so you may have nightmares after lookin' at them =x
         5 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
All The Lucky Girls Out There With Their Lovers Underneath the Mistletoe   
06:26pm 25/12/2004
mood: hopeful
Merry Christmas, darling. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. Last night the Schintlzers came over for dinner. I love Jackie, she's such a sweety. Then we went to church, and I read the lesson. It's all good. Everyone there is just noticing how much i grew up in the last year. And I have. This past year has been so many things have happened. Physically-- I died my hair 3 times, got contacts, grew a good six inches, and leaned out. Emotionally, I became nearly a different person. i've become colder towards a lot of people. When we left Crocket, even though i hated that school, and so many of the people in it, i loved some of them. They were my dearest friends, my life for the past 3 years and all then it wasn't anymore. Like that. And then there was summer and I saw stephanie a few times. I went to Lancaster for the first time, that was amazing-- except for the boring meetings. I went to Cape May for the last time, as a camper. This past year i left a lot behind. Everything is new, and unfamiliar. i'm the oldest child in my family so I get to experience everything first. Then, there was highschool. I met so many amazing people, and found friendships in people who had always been there.

And I've been happy. Probably the happiest i've been in a very long time. I'm an emotional roller coasterr from day to day, and things have seemed to level off. Things are getting better, not that they've ever been so bad. And i want to live and see tomorrow and the next day. I want to make other people happy. My New Year's resolution--because i can-- is to be the better person. I also want to give up on a few things. I want to live a life free of those attachments and be able to make myself happy without it. I want to put everything I have into everything I do. I want to put my heart into swimming, into school, into my music, into my realtionships with my family, friends, ect. I want to heal for good. i want a stronger will-power.

Back to church, after i got 100% off topic. During the sermon, while i was sitting with the rest of the youth congretation on the cold, hard marble floor listening to mother suisy preach, I decided I'm going to get confirmed. For a while I've not wanted to because the whole religion thing isn't my deal. But I was talking with Kirsten, she just got confirmed, and she said she's so happy she did. Even if i don't get confirmed, i'm still going to go to church because i love the people there and they love me. It's been my theory that religion is something people create to make themselves feel a little less terrible about the world. Aside from that, other religions interest me. So we will see about that one.

Today was Christmas, my mom gave me off from the papers which was very nice of her. When I woke up, to my sister yelling at something, we opened our stockings while my dad was out getting Pop Pop. I got a lot of toothpaste. yeah, haha. Then we opened presents. I got some good stuff-- big, clear speakers, leather headphones, a shoe tree, 5 liz claiborne perfumes-- luck you, curve, curve crush, and realities; a curling iron, brush set, ect. Pretty cool. After we ate breakfast and they made a fuss about me not wanting to eat my ham, we wen tto the movies. We saw the Aviator. It was good, really interesting about Howard Hughes, but it was long as anything. If your looking for an afternoon occupier I'd suggest seeing it. After that we came home and ate Chinese food. Gollly gee, i hope it snows.

A girl could starve on a boy like you.

Hahaaa i had to put this in here;;
SH0WMEll0VE (8:41:23 PM): yo i hope so. there's some booty on the swim team i'd like to tap
BETitHURTSsoBADx (8:41:35 PM): HAHA
BETitHURTSsoBADx (8:41:58 PM): you know my mom's over my shoulder
SH0WMEll0VE (8:42:01 PM): i dont think anyone in particular yet
SH0WMEll0VE (8:42:04 PM): OH hi mommy
BETitHURTSsoBADx (8:42:11 PM): and she'd like to know whos booty you'd like to tap on the swim team
         2 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
Drown Nicely, Please. I Don't Want Any Necks Snapping.   
01:46pm 24/12/2004
mood: happy
I'll update about the last couple o' days. I'm sure you're all very happy to hear that I've been very happy. Wednesday, at lunch when Julie and I went to visit Dave and Justin, after he and i traded-- my nutrition crapola bar for his brownie, I was puttin on my lip gloss and chap stick and stuff 'cause i was bored. Soo Dave says "that's a lot of stuff you're puttin on' Or something, and Justino goes 'Yeah, for those lips she's not gonna use!" i thought it was funny and totally true. But, Justino shouldn't be talkin =P. Oh well I don't think anything else really happened that day.

Thursday was a half day, that's groovy. It went by super slow. In Geometry we played these word game riddle things and i got 2 of them real quick. one was- A man hung up his hat, and was blind folded so that he could not see. He had a revolver, and took 100 paces and shot a hole right through the hat. how is this possible? i can't remember the other one. Anywho, we had our partay in italiano, good stuff.Very filling though. Study hall I tried to get rid of all the extra biscotti's cause they were nasty. Hah. We had a meet, but it was at 4-- what bull shit was that? So I had to be back at school at 2:30 to warm up and such. Blah. I had 4 events-- 200medly relay (fly), 200Indv. medly, 100 free- i was pissed about that because I suck at free, and 100 breast, or so i thoughht. somebody got injured so I had to be in the freelay- yes, it's not the 400 free relay, it's the freelay =P. Anyway, Tab got disqualified because she was just so physcked- however you spell that, and just dove in the water as soon as they said to step up. I was happy I didn't have to swim it, because free is my worst stroke next to back. BUT, I was majorly pissed because I could have easily placed in the 100 breast- maybe even 3rrd if not fourth. But no, we play by the rules and i could only swim 4 events. Oh well.

Then I had to baby sit and I fell asleep because they were watching some Rudolph movie. they had to wake me up so I could put them to bed. Hah, as soon as I put them to bed, I fell asleep again on the couch. i'm just so tired thes days.

Today, practice was at 9 so got there, did an easy warm up turn set, and start set. And then there was Water Polo. Holy shit, we are vicious. The only rules were, When dunking, please dunk from the shoulders, and you can't hang on the walls. we play deep end- of course. I think it was a tie score, I got the first goal woop woop haha
         2 Lovers -  I'm a Fool
She said, "You deserve someone like him. He'd be good for you."   
03:54pm 22/12/2004
mood: content
I felt the urge to let everyone know how happy I am.

For no apparent reason. <3 Oh Oh I'm just awesome and happy and feeling just grand. Grand, do you know? How are you feeling, beatuiful?
         2 Lovers -  I'm a Fool