You wanted the best, it wasn't me...|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, December 28th, 2005|
Finally back at home, at least until like January or something like that. My parent's obviously could give a shit less about me and that really sucks. They think that I want to get out of school there because I want to, "Fuck up my life". Do they realize that I want to go to a good school? It's not like I'm dropping out to go to fucking Suffolk Community. I can honestly say that I hate my parents. I wish I had good parents, that supported what I want to do. After this year I'm transfering and I'm making that my news years resolution. I've gotten applications to various colleges in NY and I'm going to transfer as soon I can. I'm done with Boston. I've made some friends but I'm sorry, I'm just sick of this shit. It's horrible because when you are living somewhere you think you hate it but when you leave you want to go back, ugh thats some stupid shit. I've hung out with all the Shirley/Mastic/Mastic Beach people (except Marissa, and I miss you!) but the S/M/MB drama is still around. I'm like god, I'm 19 years old I don't want this shit anymore, seriously. Well, thats it I'm gonna go out and try to live life to the fullest without getting myself into any trouble. I'll be back Boston but not for long....
|Friday, November 25th, 2005|
It saddens me to know that you hurt, because I would make sure you never hurt.
It saddens me to see that people hurt you, because I never would.
It saddens me to know that you cry everyday, because I would wipe your tears away.
It saddens me to know you feel you are nothing, when you are everything I could ever dream of.
It saddens me to see that people don't treat you the way they should, I would love you forever.
It saddens me to know that people take advantage of you for being so nice, I would let you take advantage of me.
It saddens me to know that you want me but can't have me, cause I want you so much.
It saddens me to know that I can't help you, at least for now.
It saddens me to know that people don't realize you are something amazing.
It saddens me to see that you don't think of yourself as beautiful, when you are beautiful inside and out.
And worst of all it saddens me that we never got the chance to be close...
...You know who you are, I hope you realize and understand and see how much you really do mean to me. I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to be in pain. I wish I could stop this all and make you realize that you are special, you are amazing, you are the one that I want to be with.
I miss you lovely ♥♥♥
|Tuesday, October 11th, 2005|
Wow so my last entry was a sack of shit. Everything that I was hoping for didn't come true and now I'm stuck in a far far away land. I'm in fucking Boston because this is the only
college that my parents would pay for...everything else I would have had to take student loans out, get financial aid & grants which would have never happened because my parents make too much money and get scholarships -- but I didn't apply for any which would have sucked. So yeah, I know I'm in a good school (Boston University), getting a good education but I can't help that I have lied to everyone. I told Marissa that I would be closer to her, either Hofstra,Adelphi,Queens College but apparently this school was the "best option" for me and my parents refused everything else. I have made some new friends but none as amazing as Marissa or any of the other Shirley/Mastic/Mastic Beach kids. I'm so angry that I have lied to everyone and now I'm in Massachusetts. It's ridiculous and it sucks so bad. The kids out here are so...perfect and I just don't know how long I will be able to deal with that. I need a job. I've been going to the bar every night
and just been sitting there drinking my sorrows away and it's sad...I really need to do something about my sick pathetic life. I need to visit NY, that would help. Ughh why is everything so frusturating? I wish life could just be perfect and everything could go the way I want. After I graduate college and get my career I will no longer need my parents for anything and that will definately be the happiest moment of my life. I miss everyone so much...and I know people read this so if you see this I am coming home to visit you soon. I LOVE YOU ALL (especially you Marissa) ♥.
|Saturday, April 23rd, 2005|
So it's been a long time since I have updated this thing and to be honest with you a lot of stuff has happened since I last updated and everything. School has been pretty fucking shitty. The farmboys and girls out in Shirley are really fucking ridiculous and need to stab themselves in the face because they are so retarded. This school is so superficial and everything and you have to be some perfect little fuck to be accepted in the school. I love my fucking ICP classes and they OWN
everyone. AP US history? I really do love that class. So, the last time that I updated I was like 2 months after my love moved away from me. My emotions have been jumbled ever since the day she left me and moved 50 miles away. I haven't been able to love again...in fact the own person that I think I will ever love again is her. I don't believe that there is anything more to life once you have been completely devastated by your one true love. Honestly, I know she didn't move and leave me on purpose and she had no choice but still, it's so hard to believe that I will ever love again. My midterm grades were good. I'm taking the SATs again in June because I want to get a better score than I have previously gotten (1350) and also because I think Hofstra might possibly want the new SATs for the 2008 graduates. It's April and graduation seems so close...I can finally imagine what it's going to be like finishing up High School (especially in WF) and just having the whole summer to myself and then going away to college. I'll finally be close to everyone who loves me and who I love more than life itself. Lately I have been hanging out with Anjelica,Jackie,Cristen,Rhaya,Aj,Mark,Ro
b,Jordan and just everyone else who I have been close with since I have moved to Shirley. Lately I have been smoking alittle too much and drinking way too heavily and it's really scary to actually think that I might be becoming an alcoholic. I have been writing a lot and my book is coming along. Rhaya read it and told me that it's scary that these are all my feelings. She got mad at me because I haven't been "talking about my feelings" she told me that I can come to her for anything and with any problems or anything and I knew that but it's just so hard to explain the things to people when all I want to do is just keep them to myself. I have been letting all these things build up in my head and I swear, I feel like I am going to explode any minute. It's scary that the only person who can calm me is 50 miles away and we have no way of seeing eachother until I go away to school. I'm scared that I will become so fucked up that I will push everyone that I love away. I'm sorry for being alive...I'm starting to think that maybe if I didn't exist people would be a lot happier.
|Monday, March 21st, 2005|
Ok so I am updating this damn thing. Well, Joanne is writing this for me because I am lazy and I don't feel like typing. I haven't been doing much considering out in Shit Shirley land there really is nothing to do. The kids hang out in front of the library and skateboard on friday nights...how dumb is that? There really is nothing to do. The Mastic Movie Theater begins there last movie at 9pm and they are just really stupid and everythiing. It's frusturating how everywhere else on Long Island is so...cultured and we are like some fucking farm creatures out here in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I should just start moo-ing and wait for them to kill me and make me into fucking hamburgers or steaks. I just feel so ridiculous. I can't wait until June so I can graduate from skanky William Floyd and go on to Hoftra and live there so much closer to every I truely
care about. I just want to let everyone in Nassau know how much I miss hanging out with you and you really should come visit me and possibly even put me out of my misery. Ok maybe you can just come hang out with me and have fun and drink and smoke and do lots of drugs and everything, haha. Marissa, I love you more than life itself...I swear when I come to Hofstra me and you will have to hang out like every day of ours lives. You are amazing, I wish you didn't move away from Shirley ♥
Joanne- Ok, Hubbs is awesome and we all love him so yayy!
|Tuesday, January 11th, 2005|
|Ok, so my new journal...
Ok so this is my journal and I know, it is nothing great to look at but I don't really care. I'll try to get someone to make it look interesting but I don't know, we'll see. Soo how has everything been going lately? It's been ok. Being a super-senior is not fun but I mean what are you going to do? I fucked myself over last year but this year I am going to do good...I promise. There is someone in my life...that just came in my life around October that is amazing and that I feel like I can't live without. She know's who she is and she is the most amazing person ever. We tried to work things out but I guess she didn't feel that we satisfied eachothers needs. That time was really unfortunate for me and hurt me a lot. I don't mean to make her feel bad it's just that I liked her, so much. Fuck that, I still like her. Well thats basically it.
More updates soon to come...bye.