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[16 Apr 2004|03:27pm]
i am officially moving. ghostheart - add me.
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[10 Apr 2004|10:27pm]
thursday night was suuuuuuuch chaos. 3pm: powerhour with andrea, the timmys, and canadian dan. watched the best of will ferrell (or pretended to watch, since we were all fighting over who could quote each skit perfectly). around 9 we decided to walk to the bar in the rain (thankfully we were still drunk). who in the hell let me bring my credit card? haha. i decided to go balls out since my mom recently informed me that she's gonna help me pay off my bills. sooo... shots for everybody!! except then it got out of control. i think total i bought 18 shots? not to mention the amaretto sour i started the night with and 5 or 6 more beers. needless to say, my bill was in the $80 range. definitely worth it for the complete drunkenness of my friends; i loved it. arto drove us home and i was starting to get pissed off because he and andrea were all over each other (and andrea has a boyfriend of over a year who is completely wonderful to her). it just makes me feel like hell now that i see it when that is basically what i did to doug. so i started crying (thank you soco & lime) and it was just awful. i've started to hold all my emotions in because my friends seem to be sick of hearing about it. hell, i'm even sick of thinking about it. but he still means too much to me to let go. and even though i'm happy with us just being friends, it doesn't make me miss him any less. soo... eventually i passed out around 3:30 which was good because my parents were leaving at 8 to pick me up.

unfortunately i didn't even get to sleep until they got there because the stupid electrician came and had to install another light switch in our room. it seriously would've been nice to know ahead of time that he was scheduled to come at 9 in the fucking morning. needless to say i was still drunk and my eyes were all puffy... i looked and felt like hell. so my parents finally get there and as i'm rounding up the cats, i can't find natty (flashback to thanksgiving when she was missing for three days). i started to freak out because i knew the electrician was in and out of the basement and outside. this was all i needed with a fucking headache the size of texas. so we're tearing apart the house looking for her. finally doug found her hiding in the very back corner of our crawlspace/closet. aagghhh. then i'm smushed in the backseat between my sister and my enormous cat carrier. the car is the very last place in the universe i want to be. every road bump we hit i am holding my breath so i don't vomit. i keep telling myself "gram's is only forty minutes away." but OF COURSE my dad decides now is the opportune time to try out a "new way" to get there. and of course we get lost. and of course it ends up taking us TWO FUCKING HOURS to get here. i wanted to kill him. all i wanted to do was sleep or throw up and my sister kept chattering away in my ear and yes she is cute as a button but not in the car at 10am while fighting a hangover.

finallyyyy got here and i slept for three hours. haha. it was glorious. now i've just been spending some QT with the fam; my mom took me shopping for a graduation outfit which was really sweet. and she almost bought me a dress for senior gala but i couldn't find one that i liked enough. shoot. we went out for ice cream today and talked about how i want to paint/decorate my room. we're also putting the finishing touches on my graduation party shit... i still feel terrible for how much $$ they are spending on it. and on top of it they want to buy me something "nice" for graduation but A) there is nothing i need and B) i think paying my tuition has been more than enough. i keep trying to work on my ginormous load of papers but i have only been able to sit for thirty minutes at a time before losing interest. but the chaucer paper is coming along better than i thought, i have three pages written already!

OMG- the saddest thing in the world happened today. at like 6am it sounds like a war zone outside. but i think i am only dreaming. it turns out there was a really bad car accident about 20 yards from my gram's house. it was a jeep full with six people, ages 14-17. they ran off the road and the gas tank exploded and three of them burned to death. the other three were medivac-ed out by a helicopter that landed in the field DIRECTLY across from my gram's (hence the war noises). they were staying at the hotel down the road for a family reunion that was taking place this weekend. so sad, but i still don't understand how or why 14 year olds were out driving around at 5:30 in the morning?

ok i should probably get ready for bed. it's sooo early but it's been a long day and i know lex is gonna wake me up around 6:30 to look for easter baskets. and i can't be bitter about it because if it weren't for her presence i would be candy-less.
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[07 Apr 2004|01:50pm]
helloooooo easter break! no classes (for me) until NEXT FRIDAY how beautiful is that?? yeesssss. because i have no classes tues/thurs as it is, and dr. brown has already cancelled chaucer on wednesday. wow. so friday is also the due date for my chaucer paper so guess who will be a very happy camper that evening? also it will be the night of senior gala (shit i must remember to rsvp for that but i wanted to find myself a "date" first so it's cheaper). and then the lovely sylviboo and kiwikiss56 will be here for the weekend! everything is flying by so fast and even though it terrifies me i am also really, really excited. i haven't exactly been happy with the prospect of moving home. for many reasons. don't get me wrong, i love my family. but i have not lived with them in over three years other than the occassional weekend or holiday. never anything that lasted more than a week, because i've always had my own place or at least somewhere else to stay. i'm just afraid that it's been the distance between us that has made our relationship so stable for once.

but, i am excited to be home and spend oodles of time with my sister who is growing up more every freaking day. plus i'm convincing my mom to let me redecorate my room, or at least paint it or something. the last thing i would've ever seen myself doing after college is moving home, but alas... here i go. not really looking forward to the lack of friends department, either. and even moreso the return of all the people from high school i thought i'd escaped from for eternity. sigh. but still i am excited for some reason? who knows, maybe i'll decide on grad school since as of now i really have no desire or passion or drive to enter the workforce. especially considering i haven't the slightest clue what i might actually enjoy doing.

anyways, so it's break and yesterday i woke up without the ability to rotate my neck at all? it's so unbelievably painful. i got a total of UNO hour of sleep last night because it was so god awful. i don't even know what to do with myself because every movement is painful. which is why yesterday i decided a powerhour was necessary, in hopes that being drunk would make some pain subside since advil was not doing the trick. but no, powerhour didn't work... it just made andrea, timmy, and i very very drunk and exhausted. i think i ought to attempt gathering up all my research for chaucer and my other assorted papers so i don't find myself in misery in the poconos without a library to scoot to for help.
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see what happens when i slack for a few days? [04 Apr 2004|03:14pm]
it has been an insane week here. monday night i did the usual, beer and tv with timmy and andrea. tuesday we had our weekly american idol party haha. how much do i love john stevens even though he sucked that night? i just have this weird connection to redheads. then i headed to the OBT in the god awful rain with timmy and timmy. i saw dave there and now he keeps calling me. funny but yuck. wednesday was supposed to be o.c. night at my house, but timmy's place ended up getting a case of 40's so the party ended up over there. why can't o.c. ever be on for more than like two weeks straight? i go nuts without it. so i headed to the bar with timmy and andrea, it was brittany's 21st and she was a sloppy but funny mess. this was the night we played photohunt and finally beat the bar sluts' high score. it was a big moment for us hahaha. ummm thursday i ended up falling asleep until almost 9:00, so much for a hard night of working on one of my millions of papers. andrea came and woke me up and we went to beerbellies with matt. andrea and i had seventeen beers altogether, and lucky me got stuck with the tab grrr (well not grrr anymore 'cause her boyfriend paid for me last night). matt left and we ended up sitting with grillo and merz and a bunch of the ogo guys that i haven't talked to basically since freshman year. it was one of their friend's 21st and he ended up puking right at the table. sooo gross. they left to take care of him, and andrea started talking to this kid who looks like jason mraz. he was funny, we invited him back to my house. then doug came home and i immediately got upset for no reason just because i don't even know how to act around him anymore. i finally started to force myself to get out of the house, spend time with my friends, and suddenly he wants to spend time with me again? so i was drunk and crying and wanted to go for a walk and then there was this adorable puppy outside my house and i was sitting on my porch petting him (mind you, this is like 4am) and this car pulls up in front of my house and i freak out thinking someone is going to shoot me but it's just the guys whose dog it is so whew.

ended up having a long talk with doug after i came back in the house but i don't think it resolved anything. well, i guess it did. because he told me that there is 100% no chance for us to ever be together again because he can never forgive me for what i've done and things could never be the same. great. i didn't fall sleep until almost 7am which means i ended up missing my meeting with dr. brown the next morning and i really wanted to shoot myself. i hate feeding professors bullshit excuses, especially ones i like. so i don't even know what to do, i emailed her in hopes we can reschedule some time next week. i just feel like such an asshole. but at least my research for my paper is coming along awesomely so i hope i will at least be able to impress her with that.

doug has been in maryland all weekend so i've had the room to myself which is both good and bad. friday night was movie night with timmy tony and andrea. arto stopped over for a little and we ordered papa john's and it was fucking HEAVEN ON EARTH. i'm tempted to order some right now hmm... anyways mike and michele told us to go to beerbellies after we ate, so we did. michele was in nyc all day and guess who she bumped into?? kirsten dunst and fucking JAKE GYLLENHAAL. oh christ. i wanted to die just hearing about it. she was in an elevator with jake gyllenhaal <3 <3 <3 why do all the cool things happen to such a terrible human being? sigh. the bar sucked that night, we stayed for a beer and left and on the walk home we see like a dozen cops cars right by my street. we get a little closer and realize that something must've gone down next door to matty's house; we figured it was just another party that got busted. turns out some townie pulled out a gun or something. crazy. so i guess i was not entirely off my rocker when i got scared the night before about an unknown vehicle stopping in front of my house.

yesterday i finally lived up to my promise to michele: i ate a brownie. and it did nothing. but at least i got her off my back now. and we did watch gothika which was an ok movie. it probably would have had a better effect if we had watched it at night, but michele gets scared too easily as it is. so then timmy and i met up with andrea and her crew at the bar. you should have seen the amount of pitchers on our table. every time the waitress would bring us three, we'd end up ordering three more. then suddenly there were soco and lime shots for everybody and my god was that a bad idea. i ended up being way too drunk for only being 10:30 so i got up to leave and timmy followed me out. over the past few weeks i've really come to appreciate timmy not as just my drinking/tv buddy but as an awesome friend. he doesn't really give advice because he doesn't know how. but he listens and he's always there to walk with me or whatever. i'm gonna miss him a lot. so we got home and the other timmy called us telling us to go to this party in one of the burnsides. there was a whole lot of people there who i really didn't expect to see, but i was still really, really drunk so we left and we get home and TEENAGE CAVEMAN is on the movie channel. one of the worst movies ever but still so much fun to watch, especially when you're drunk.

vintage saint: i tell myself every night to just close my eyes and fall asleep, but it takes me forever to fall asleep alone so in the time i'm trying to sleep i end up just thinking too damn much and then the tears come and then i end up calling you and leaving you some drunk, tearful, incoherent message
chrisburgan06: well the message was coherent if that makes you feel better

time to hit up the library (gasp!) and print out my women's diaries paper (yes, one down... four to go!) and perhaps order that papa john's i was talking about and get ready for sopranos night here. hope you all had an equally eventful weekend (but one with less tears and/or drama). four more days til easter in the poconos and seeing my munchkinface of a sister. and my mom's homemade pierogies and mac and cheese omg. i get excited about food far too much
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i wonder if my laundry is done [30 Mar 2004|06:41pm]
"it's no good. when someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love." -bridget jones's diary

this is basically how i felt for the past two weeks. but now i'm over it. not over him per say, but at least over the idea of him. i feel stronger than i've ever felt before. when i smile now, it's for real - not the fake ones i plastered to my face for so long. and i actually have motivation to get dressed in clothes other than jeans and a hoodie now. plus, i cleaned my room from top to bottom, in hopes that it would inspire me to also clean my LIFE from top to bottom as well.

i have four major papers due before the end of the semester. that is so crazy. luckily i've started the research for almost all of them. but... i have not been inspired to actually write a paper this entire semester. it used to be one of my favorite things (call me an english-major-geek, go ahead). but i am just burned out now. which makes it rather ironic that i've been able to pick up a pen every day recently and write something - for the first time in years (see ghostheart). so while i've rid myself of my interest in writing boring scholastic essays, at least i've renewed my interest in poetry.

schedule of events (maybe this will keep my motivation at a peak):
4.05 - women's diaries paper due
4.10 - easter in the poconos
4.16 - chaucer paper due
4.17 - sylvi visits!
4.19 - women's diaries presentation
4.23 - diet & disease paper due
4.30 - kafka indepedent study portfolio due
5.01 - alexis' communion
5.08 - senior weekend in ocean city
5.15 - GRADUATION!!!
5.30 - moving out of bethlehem

...why must i procrastinate so?
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[30 Mar 2004|12:15am]
...and the good mood continues. wow. although i'm a little bit nervous because tonight michele and ryan made pot brownies. and i made a promise to her almost four years ago that i would get high with her SOMETIME throughout college. it's not something i necessarily want to do, but that i'm curious to try. because the only time i ever smoked i was sooooo drunk and vomited my intestines out and it was terrible. so it looks like friday will be interesting.

i'm finally motivated in school again. i have a whole schedule for the week of all the shit i need to get done. it's overwhelming, but unavoidable. i just keep telling myself that in two months i'll never have to attend another class or write another paper to take another quiz. oh man.

also: my ass is still in serious pain. i showed all my housemates last night, and they all screamed. it is still the size of my head. i think i'm gonna check in with the health center tomorrow, because i cannot sleep or sit with any pressure on my right ass cheek. not normal, right? well... judge for yourself. do not view on an empty or full stomach. i'm seriousCollapse )
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[29 Mar 2004|12:44am]
i'm finally happy. really, incredibly happy. i'm finally able to put a (real) smile on my face. i realize how very little i need someone like him in my life. i've actually been in the mood to write again. i think having my own space will lead to a lot of new creative outlets for me.

kate came over tonight to watch sopranos with timmy and i. it's really nice to have another girl friend to confide in. also spent some time on the porch with matty. i am still undeniably sad that in t-minus two months, moments like that won't exist anymore. but it's simple things like that which matter to me. plus, my mom and aunt di came to visit me today. they are so unbelievably supportive. i've had this constant cloud over my head, feeling like i was a disappointment to my family. but i'm not. and that's a huge relief.

the only thing stressing me out is the disgusting bruise i have on my ass. i fell down my stairs wednesday night. and this bruise has grown into a disease. i'm not even joking, it's bigger than my head. i've shown nearly everyone, and they've all almost vomitted from the sight. it's really gross. i just don't want people thinking that i am exaggerating when i say i can't sit down!! oh man. so much pain. i think it might actually be a blood blister, it's so gross. but i don't want to go to the health center and have them pop it because they are incompetent.

i guess i should probably get some sleep considering this was a crazy weekend and i cannot miss class tomorrow. whoops i never read the chaucer prologues, i guess i should do that before i pass out (molson xxx is really evil).
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[27 Mar 2004|06:02pm]
optimism just went out the window. i just wish he'd fucking be honest with me. because i'm going to have a nervous breakdown pretty soon.

also, last night. almost got into a fight with these two douchebags who were saying shit to my roommate matt. for no reason. it was really bad, i had some choice words with the one guy. he's probably never even seen me before in his whole life, yet he told me he was better than me. wow. gotta love those egos. how do people like that have friends?

i spent two hours at the library today. because i woke up at 1:15 and everyone was already at the bar. cool, thanks. doug offered to come back and pick me up but seriously fuck that. it would've been nice to get an invite to begin with. so then they finally get home from the bar and running errands, and i'm already in a bad mood. but i'm thinking, ok, it's a nice day outside, we can just drink and relax and have a good time for once. but, as usual, doug is not in this house for more than five minutes before "he's so tired" and needs a nap. he can never hang out with me anymore because he is always tired.

guess what? i'm tired, too. of constantly getting the run around. "oh, i love you." "oh, but only as a friend." "oh, let's hang out." "oh, i can't, i'm too tired." as sad as it makes me, i'm actually looking forward to him moving. and as hard as it is for me to admit, maybe i just need to cut him out of my life once and for all.
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i want a cheesesteak [26 Mar 2004|02:19pm]
let me begin by informing you all of the new hell in my life. there is a house around the corner from mine that blares really terrible 80's/early 90's music at all hours of the day and night. sometimes people are screaming along with this music at the top of their lungs. it is really beginning to drive us all insane. right now "i've got friends in low places" is basically shaking my entire house. before it, madonna was on. yikes.

in other news, doug is going to be moving out sometime in april. i am really sad but trying to stay optimistic. i think time apart is really what he needs to realize what he would be giving up. i'm hoping that he'll start to miss me and then we can be together again. it just really depresses me to imagine not waking up to his face anymore. and i'm still pretty pissed off at him for what he put me through the other night. i was upset (hey, what else is new) and for once he offered his arms to me and just held me. well, holding me led to kissing and kissing led to... you know. and he finally talked sensibly about how much he loves me and misses me, instead of all his usual "i don't know" bullshit. but once the morning came, it was back to "i think we should just work on being friends." so yeah, i felt really terrific about that. one of our best nights together in a loooong time and he takes it all away, saying he got caught up in the moment and it shouldn't have happened. thank you.

i'm just so afraid that his moving will cause an even bigger barrier to grow between us. sure, it could make things really great, but it could also make them really, really terrible. i haven't gone without seeing him for more than like, two days since we started dating. and maybe that isn't healthy. but it's what i'm used to. when i'm with him, i feel home. now i don't even know what to feel anymore. it scares me knowing that he could be happy living a life without me.

oh god, now they are singing along to "you give love a bad name." please help me.

umm. so working on being friends with doug. it's going to be incredibly difficult because i don't even know what that means. we have never been "just friends." but i need to try if that's what it's going to take to save us. i should actually be excited about his moving, because i've never lived without a roommate or with my own space in four years. but it's just the simple fact that NOTHING in this room is "his" or "mine." it's OURS. having to actually go through all of this and separate our lives is going to be really devastating when the time comes. and he says that once he moves, he will still be around most nights to hang out, blah blah. and maybe he will. maybe this is just the big risk we need to take to make things better. this is just such a huge change. i know i put him through hell and back, but this is incredibly major. chris, my mom, my gram... everyone is telling me that he will come to his senses soon. but i have 50 days until graduation (!) and i have never pictured starting this new chapter in my life without him.

(at least i got out of class two hours early. and it's warm out. and it's the weekend. and michele & luigi are gone for a few days. so it's time to put on a happy face and finish reading bridget jones' diary and then REALLY write my kafka paper for serious. and then drink. or perhaps drink simultaneously; it gets my creative juices flowing.)
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they say it's your birthday [22 Mar 2004|01:36pm]
happy 22nd onewish!

lots of celebrating tonight. i guess the kafka paper will have to wait (again) until tomorrow. no biggie. i like making a big deal out of people's birthdays (especially the seemingly unimportant ones like 22). i feel like i need to bust out my martha skillz again to make him a special birthday something. or maybe i'll just put them on hold until we're all drunk tonight and craving mac and cheese...

"well in the end we can all call a friend, well that's something i know as true. and then a thousand years and a thousand tears, i'll come back to my original crew. 'cause to me throughout eternity, there's somewhere where you're welcome to go. i said it's something free that means a lot to me - when i'm with my friends i feel home"

matty, i hope you realize what an amazing person and friend you are (even if you are unnaturally obsessed with tetris and never shower). i am so lucky to have you in my life, someone who always tells me straight up and removes my head from the clouds, and who also makes me laugh more than humanly possible. happy birthday and let's get busy enjoying some pure, unadulterated fun these last two months of our "childhood" (so you ought to hold off on drinking things on the rocks at least until graduation).
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when will this get easier? [20 Mar 2004|04:16pm]
i am facing one of the biggest changes i'll ever have to face. graduating. something i'm unprepared and unwilling to do. something that affects my life monumentally. now, there's an entirely new "change" to throw in as well. the love of my life, my fucking soulmate & roommate & partner in crime, doesn't love me anymore. how am i supposed to handle these two simultaneously? at least with graduation, it was inevitable. you start out here knowing full well that the adventure will end in four years. that is not what our relationship was; there was no set "end" point. yes, i wanted to take time to be "independent." but my independence was at least somewhat justified, because it related back to the first change: graduating. last few months with my friends, to be young and crazy. so, while it was rather selfish, i never once expected any of this to happen as a result. i still loved doug, i just wanted time away from him for a little awhile. his reason for independence only confuses me. because there doesn't appear to be an actual reason for it, other than being tired of me and not wanting me anymore after three years.

now, let's make this terrible situation even worse: i am not a priority in anyone's lives. not even my own parents. up until a few weeks ago, my sister's communion was scheduled for the same day as my graduation. and my parents chose to attend her event over mine, because "i am older and can understand their absence better." i may be thirteen years older than her, and you should assume from that that i would be more mature as well, but no. it doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make me understand any better. (luckily, the date of her communion has been changed, but i still haven't really forgiven them for their choice.) plus, my friends all have relationships of their own, and school, work, sports, and countless other responsibilites. no one has time for me anymore.

i used to be the biggest priority in doug's life. when i was sad, he was sad - and he'd do anything to change my mood. now if i'm sad, he turns his back to me. he used to make me feel incredible. now he makes me feel like i'm invisible. i can't stop hurting. i feel as if there is a switch inside him somewhere that has been flipped off. that causes him to want virtually nothing to do with me. why isn't there anything i can do to flip that switch back on?
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hopefully spring will fix things [20 Mar 2004|01:53pm]
last night definitely did not go as i had planned. i feel like i'm in eighth grade again. i feel so awkward around him; i don't know how to act or what to say. it takes every ounce of energy to restrain myself from putting my head on his shoulder or holding his hand or even making fucking eye connection. how stupid does that sound? someone i've spent the most intimate three years of my life with, and i can hardly look at him anymore.

i'm putting in every effort. trying to say the right things and do the right things. to show him how much he means to me and how i'd do anything to make this work. but it's pointless. and it's really hard to stay optimistic and keep hope alive when all he can say to me is "i don't know." i know that i put him through a lot in the time that i was confused. but i never used those fucking evil words. not once.

aim conversation that sort of explains thingsCollapse )
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irish insanity [18 Mar 2004|05:44pm]
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this was interesting. [16 Mar 2004|06:47pm]
photo survey!!Collapse )
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so easily fucking bruisable [15 Mar 2004|04:07pm]
i can't help but feel worthless. the one person who knows me better than i even know myself looks at me with no feeling. he barely looks at me at all. the one person who gave me confidence in all i have to offer, has now shown me that i ultimately have nothing to offer. or at least, nothing to offer that anyone with half a brain would want.

i wish i didn't feel like this. in my eyes, doug has changed. he's become jaded and so opposite the person i knew just a month ago. and it's all my fucking fault. i caused him to become this way; detached and uncaring. he's returned to the mental state he was in when i first met him four years ago. not really giving a damn about anything. but then i came along and i changed everything - i gave him a reason to care about something. and then i took him for granted. he offered me everything he possibly could, and what did i do? turned my back.

i just feel so helpless. there's nothing i can do to change the past, and there's nothing i can do to change his present state of mind. i know i will never find anyone in my life who would love me and treat me the way doug did. i guess i never realized that until recently. but at the same time, i don't think he will ever find someone who loves him as much as i do, too. i've treated him like hell lately and i know that i need to make a change. he and i have shared so much in these past three years, it's just really hard to accept that he would willingly throw it away. but then again, i basically threw it away to begin with.

he wants something "easy" with no emotion attached. i think i felt similarly about a month ago. but it was because i was scared. and now i've never been more scared in my entire life, because i know i have to face the future without him. something i never thought i would have to do. and i know he is just scared, too. he may have feelings for another girl and that is totally justified. i just keep hoping that the next time i say "i miss you" or "i love you" or even just look at him, that it will click and make him come back to the reality we once had. maybe if i stop being so fucking impatient it would actually happen. maybe if i sucked it up and acted like a big girl he would remember the qualities i have/had that made him fall in love with me in the first place.

it makes me unbelievably depressed to read something i wrote for him awhile ago. a list of things i couldn't live without (green eyes, 11:11, road trips, teddy bears, stars, foosball, freckles, his heart). i just keep praying that i won't ever have to try to.

"though love be a day, i am afraid it will be only that; and though love be a day, i am afraid also that it will be more." -ms. plath
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the hows and what ifs [13 Mar 2004|01:27pm]
how am i supposed to survive the next few months, living with someone who just doesn't want me anymore? how am i supposed to give him the time and space he needs to stop "resenting" me for hurting him in the first place? how am i supposed to breathe, move, live, knowing that only one-third of him still loves me? how am i supposed to handle sleeping alone again, living without his touch and his kiss, so abruptly after finally feeling like my life made sense again?

i've fucked everything up so badly that i don't even want to open my eyes anymore. someone wake me up in may. because i can't sit here and watch the one person i've ever loved, mind, body, and soul, have feelings for someone else, or at least.. not have feelings for me.

and not only does this hurt so badly because he doesn't view me in the same light anymore. okay, so i've basically lost the chance of him ever loving me in that way again. but how am i supposed to function without my best friend? i can't be friends with him. i don't know how.

i guess it's back to a miserable life on the futon.. what's the point of anything anymore? he knows how i feel right now. if i had known, four months ago, what this felt like, i never would have put him through this. i would have immediately decided to work on us, rather than work on me. but instead, he sits there silently, watching me suffocate in my tears.
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words of wisdom from sylvia plath (@ age 18) [11 Mar 2004|10:30pm]
"not to be sentimental...but why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?"

(some of the responsibilities she feels we have:)

• to learn snide and smutty meanings of words you once loved, like "fairy"
• to go to college fraternity parties where a boy buries his face in your neck or tries to rape you if he isn't satisfied with burying his fingers in the flesh of your breast
• to learn that there are a million girls who are beautiful and each day that more leave behind the awkward teenage stage, as you once did, and embark on the adventure of being loved and petted
• to be aware that you must compete somehow, and yet that wealth and beauty are not in your realm
• to learn that a boy will make a careless remark about "your side of town" as he drives you to a road house in his father's latest chromium-plated convertible
• to learn that you can never learn anything valid for truth, only momentary, transitory sayings that apply to you in your moment, your locality, and your present state of mind
• to learn that love can never come true, because the people you admire are unattainable
• to learn that you only want them because you can't have them
• to learn that you can't be a revolutionary
• to learn that money makes life smooth in some ways, and to feel how tight and threadbare life is if you have too little
• to despise money, which is a farce, mere paper, and to hate what you have to do for it, and yet to long to have it in order to be free from slaving for it
• to yearn for an organism of the opposite sex to comprehend and heighten your thoughts and instincts, and to realize that most American males worship woman as a sex machine with rounded breasts and a convenient opening in the vagina, as a painted doll who shouldn't have a thought in her pretty head other than cooking a steak dinner and comforting him in bed after a hard 9-5 day at a routine business job
• to realize that there are some men who like a girl as a companion in mind as well as body, and want to take picnics in the sunlight instead of parking on a dark road at midnight after an evening of sexual stimulation while walking around a crowded dance floor and embracing breast to breast, stomach to stomach
• to know that for those qualities i covet in others, those same others covet qualities in still others
• to know a lot of people i love pieces of, and to want to synthesize those pieces in me somehow
• to know that millions of others are unhappy and that life is a gentleman's agreement to grin and paint your face so others will feel they are silly to be unhappy, and try to catch the contagion of joy, while inside so many are dying of bitterness and unfulfillment"

-january 1951, the journals of sylvia plath
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sunrise, sunset. swiftly go the days [10 Mar 2004|03:53pm]
i've seen the sunrise more times in these past few days than i have in my entire life combined. went bar hopping on monday with doug, timmy, and his cousin austin. started at beerbellies, had a few beers at the tally ho, swung around the corner to macgrady's, and finished back at beerbellies. we were THISCLOSE to going to a strip club afterward, but instead settled for late night at our house. austin and i made a promise we'd stay up to see the sunrise. and we ended up staying awake until 10:30am; it was so insane. needless to say, i did not wake up until nearly 7:30pm last night. haha.

oh yea- the weekend was spent in ocean city. again, lots of fun with the boys. didn't get there until almost 4am. saturday it rained all day so we played ruit and made a good dent in the two 30 packs we brought down with us. had dinner and drinks across the street at big pecker's... did a shot in honor of my family friend kord who passed away on thursday. by the time we digested it was time for the lunasea party at seacrets. it was fucking packed there. the band was pretty good, they even did an outkast medley!! we were standing right up front and doug kept urging me to give the singer a shoe wedgie since he kept standing directly in front of me. i was too chicken, but it would've been really fucking funny if i'd actually done it.

i really want to see brand new when they play down in dewey beach in april. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand stephen lynch has another show in scranton at the end of the month. i'm hoping i can get a bunch of people together to go. because i want to have his babies. and i think it would be even more fun to go with a big group of friends. oh, and i decided my next tattoo is definitely going to be the hunter s. thompson six-fingered fist. the question is WHEN i'm going to get it, and HOW i'm going to pay for it. sigh.

a final thought: there are only two months until graduation (well, and five days). it is seriously unfathomable to me. and even though i don't think i've regretted or wasted a second of these past few months, i'm going to make sure the last two are full to the brim with friends and laughter and drunken photography. and it will all begin one week from today, on st. patty's day. we've already got the green keg of yuengling ordered. the flogging molly cd is ready to be put into action. i only have one class (at 8:50) and i am just praying for a nice fucking day so we can chill outside and maybe fire up the grill and play quoits. oh boy. i can hardly contain myself.
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[05 Mar 2004|02:43pm]
spring break makes me sad. all my friends are going to beautiful, warm places. matty's on his way to florida, matt's leaving for LA, kate's going to miami, and countless others are going to cancun and on cruises. but i guess i would be even sadder if i wasn't going to my second home :)

awwww. i miss matt already.

::hears "holidae inn" begin making the entire house pulsate::

mattjd82: poonie baby! listen!
mattjd82: one last time for ya :-) before i leave
vintage saint: yay ching-a-ling!
vintage saint: hahaha, awww i'll miss this!
mattjd82: :-):-) ill call!!
mattjd82: and ill sing it to you
vintage saint: yessssssssssss! clay too?!?

::matt puts on "bridge over troubled water"::

vintage saint: AWW SING IT CLAY!

::matt sings ridiculously loud to mr. aiken::

oh, i love my housemates. OOOH! and the spring break bon voyage kicker? luigi just shit on michele's bed. again. that marks three days in a row. hahahaha. wow. that makes me tooooooo freakin happy. and y'know what would make me even happier? if i got to go to the matinee of starsky and hutch. "do it." oh man. i can't wait. there are sooo many movies i want need to see over this break. so i retract my earlier statements. who needs fruity drinks with umbrellas in them while you're getting tan south of the border? i get to treat myself to the cinema.
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squeeeeeaaal! [03 Mar 2004|01:51pm]
i would just like to extend yet another thank you to all of my friends. i definitely don't deserve a bunch like you. i am in another good mood today. christopher, thank you so much. for everything. i wuv you!!~ aaaaand extra happy points because ocean city is just two days away! i am beyond excited, whether it snows again this year or not (but so far the forecast looks promising). just smelling the air there brings back so many incredible memories.

oh, and on an unrelated note, i'd like to offer another poll. the inspiration for this one will remain forever a mystery. hahaha.

what was the worst date you ever went on?
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