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cuz when i look at you i squint

you are that beautiful

Application Processes:
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Can blow me.

It's just 29 different pages, of filling out the SAME information, in SLIGHTLY different ways.
On top of that, i have letters of recommendation to get a hold of still, have an interview with the study abroad office, write an essay, pay TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS(JUST to apply), and if everything isn't done PERFECTLY, my application is forfeit.

SO, that's making me want to stab people in the face.

I also can't seem to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I keep having really bad nightmares, that i wake up crying from. It's a combination of different stresses, and a lot of pent up emotional stress that i haven't been dealing with because frankly, i don't have the time to.

I can't even analyze if i'm doing alright anymore. I want to believe i am. I want to believe in myself. This fucking town seems to make that an impossibility though.
I need to get out.
Before it swallows me up.

Today was eventful:
Pink Hat
In short:
I got tested for hiv/aids today. The chance that i actually have anything is so infinitesimally small that it probably won't matter. But I found out someone lied to me, and wasn't QUITE as faithful as he promised. I'd rather know, just to be sure. The entire process took around 45minutes. I had to sit down with a counselor, and discuss IN GRAPHIC DETAIL my sex life. I told the truth about everything, and she was very reassuring.

On top of that, one of my best friends for years completely cut me out of his life.
I'm not quite sure how i feel about it, yet.
Honestly, it's probably for the best, since he is actually insane. By definition of the word.
I just don't like that i could be THAT wrong about a person.
Put that much time and effort and energy into something, only to have it turn to me being used, and the situation turning into total shit.
I never want to give up on people, even if they give up on me.

School is a bit cripplingly busy lately. I'm getting A's in everything, which has never happened before for this long in my entire college career. It's satisfying, in an exhausting sort of way. Regardless, I have one more year after this. Then.. there are a few options of what I'm going to do. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, though.

My job is interfering with my sleep. Third shift is never fun for very long, and something has got to give.
I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time anymore.
I miss sleep. I really fucking do.

And finally, I'm applying to go to school in Japan from May-Jan. Two different universities, that will involve living with Buddhist monks on a mountain, psychological/anthropological study, and an intensive language program that SHOULD make me mostly fluent.
I need to finalize everything this weekend if I'm to make my deadlines.
I hate paper work and red tape.
But i hate being stuck here in this shit hole more.
With nothing but a feeling of dissatisfaction that creeps into me given the slightest chance or provocation.

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It's been a while.
I think i'm going to try getting away from the mindless distractions of facebook and tumblr for a while.
There's something satisfying about putting my thoughts into words, reading it back to myself, and actually seeing my emotions on "paper".
There are too many things readily available to us these days that allow us to ignore our feelings, situations, and very real lives.
I don't want to be T.V. anymore.
I don't want to pretend everything can be covered up with a sassy/"witty"/horrifyingly unoriginal picture from some dumb ass hipster for a half-second chuckle that you only share with yourself.
I'm tired of being alone.

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i will lean into you
and you can be the wind
i will open up my mouth
and you can come rushing in
you can rush in so hard
and make it so i can't breathe
i breathe too much anyway
i can do that anyday

ani d

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I’ve got all this water and nowhere to put it
It’s spilling out and getting sloppy
Dowsing everything around me
Washing over and constantly running
It never sticks to anything
At most, people can take a drink of me
Spit me out or leave after I swell too much

I don’t know why this pull is so strong
All of the tides of my life
Sweeping everything away, picking up things I hate
Fishermen’s hooks get caught in my heart, in my back
I’ve been bleeding, washing it all downstream
No one notices diluted blood, tiny wounds

They’re here to stay, though
Scarring improperly
And I notice them all
Each nick a day, a month, a year
My twenty five years
I am too old for anything else
Tossed to the tides that no one wants

How will I press on
Without what I need here
It’s not even possible
I’m a fool for thinking the entire world would change
Just for me, for you, and for whoever comes after me
The template sticks
The water is slick
Lick your lips, take your drink
It doesn’t matter to me

hahaha! This test was hilarious!!!
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flick_ says I'm a Dorky Nerd.  Click here to take the Nerd Test, get nerdy images and jokes, and write on the nerd forum!

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The more we understand the things that exist in this world, the closer to the divine and reaching our true human potential we'll become.
There are certain truths that i've learned since being here.
Surface area to volume ratio,
like dissolves like,
structure and it's direct relation to function within nature,
the boundless depths and shallow surface of the heart.
All things exist to point us in the direction we need to go.
Having the strength to get there is sometimes difficult to find,
but if you have faith, the juice really will be worth the squeeze.

chilled flesh
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It is unseasonably cold, even for Michigan.
I don't mind really, as i like winter and the cold.
The drawback is that it has a paralyzing affect on every aspect of my life.
Schoolwork, personal relationships, motivation in general.
I've needed to do laundry for about a week now. >_>

Everything has a muted quality about it.
Nothing seems quite substantial. I have a general idea about what to do to fix it, though. I'm at least getting part of it to work. It's really hilarious that most of it is positive affirmations, and letting go. Things that sound so easy, but require quite a bit of work on my end.

I keep going in and out of a psychic drift, too.
Lately my "holy shit, i predicted/knew that was going to happen/happening" has been skyrocketing uncontrollably. It keeps clicking me into weird places.
Serendipity is surrounding me in a very big way.
Whenever this happens in my life, something huge is on it's way.
I have actual data to back me up. With pie charts. O_o

Anyway, things are going alright overall.
Little annoyances here and there, but I'll live.(i'm assuming)
I'm still wrestling with my heart on a few things, but eventually I'll win it over.
I won't like it; but then again, no one likes telling themselves "no.".
There's so much loss in life, where there could be so much gain.
It's frustrating, but if it were any other way, we wouldn't live in this world. Still not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, yet.

wooden earrings mean nothing
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My clay is thick and unwieldy
What used to flow so easily in the past
Is now dull and unmoving
My efforts are doubled,
my results are nil
inspiration isn't lacking
but expression is ignored

there was a time
when all was easy
age has made me
realize what should have been
so goddamn easy to see in the past
but my optimism kept it at bay
youthful fires burning

i can feel the chill of winter
surrounding me and seeping in through the cracks
it could have been prevented
maybe not
but i'll keep feeling out
even if i'm ignored or pushed aside
for what i am

my warmth is fading
but not gone
my chest is tightening
but not collapsing

and i'll pray for you
to twitch a finger
just once
in my direction
anything to let me know
that i'm not wrong

private and severe
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That's how i've been feeling lately.
Outwardly I've been making a conscious effort to expand my friend circle, become better at japanese, become better at handling everything. いつも、とても元気。。ね?
But internally, i've been something of a torrent.

When i close my eyes, they hurt.
My once vivid mind replaced with a dull darkness, and a need to just crawl into myself.
I haven't gone a sleeping period without some form of nightmare, usually just intense emotion, or something i'm trying to ignore, but failing at.

I sometimes think that I'd want to cut out pieces of my heart, or mind.
Just so i can stop feeling.
Who knows, maybe i'll actually succeed some day.
Anything i might have had left to give, swept away like it was nothing.
Which is exactly what it was in the first place.
Misplaced nothing.
And i'm tired of it.


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